Monthly Archives: March 2024

March 25, 2024 · 5:13 pm

What if I’m not wanted?

We all have those things that we carry around with us. One of my fears is to be kicked out, unwanted, excluded.

I say awkward things. I act weird. I am pretty sure that I smell strange.

I take several showers a day because I am afraid that I might be dirty.

I have never been to a party or a gathering where I didn’t spend hours afterwards wondering if I said something weird.

For this reason, I can’t imagine enjoying myself at anything, really. It’s too much work.

I would far rather be serving the table than to be served at a table.

The fear of being thrown out is so intense and pervasive that it colors everything.

I am afraid that I just take up space that I don’t belong in.

I am afraid that everyone would rather I didn’t come.

I’m afraid that they are just talking about me behind my back.

I’m afraid that my fears make me obnoxious.

I’m afraid that being afraid is really just being self-absorbed.

And then I’m afraid that being self-absorbed means that I don’t deserve to be at the table and that place really should just go somewhere else.

And by that time, my breathing increases, I start to sweat, I have to count my fingers and do my breathing exercises….

And it is far easier to just stay home. But then, it is lonely at home. So I force myself.

One of the examples of the kingdom of God is a banquet full of guests. “Blessed is the one who eats and drinks at the kingdom of God!”

I can’t imagine it. But at the same time I long for it.

Blessed is the one who rests in the bosom of the Almighty.

Rest in his arms? I can’t imagine it. My mind would go into overdrive. And yet, that I what I long for.

In other words, we aren’t going to be ready for the kingdom of God until God makes us ready for the kingdom of God. How can we take our impure, unclean selves into the presence of the pure and beautiful Lamb of God?

We all want to be back in Eden. We long to be in God’s arms again. We want to be known and loved and to know and to love.

And that terrifies us at the same time.

How can the marriage supper of the lamb be a joyful thing when we can’t stop our fears and anxieties and self-sabotage long enough to even have a drink with friends?

Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Deliver me from the body of this death!!

Make me ready, clothe me with your beautiful garments, hold me in your strong arms, protect me from myself, quiet my heart – let the peace of God rule my heart AND my mind.

Let me truly absorb that you took all of my fears and my ugliness and my filthiness upon yourself. Let me feel the waters of my baptism running down my body washing me clean. Anoint me with pure oil.

Fill me with your Breath. Breathe on me so I can breathe again.

Let me breathe with your breath of love. Shine in me so that I may receive your love and your beauty – that I might know grace and accept it.

For Father, I know this because you told me: You love me. You long for me to be in your presence. You want me there.

Lord Jesus, you came to take the curse away from me, putting death to death, and conquering the grave with its ugliness and fears.

And Holy Breath of God, Spirit of the Lord Jesus, fill me with your life that I might be one with the Lord Jesus, flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone. For then, I can truly rest.

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March 8, 2024 · 8:34 am

In the desert

I’m reading Henri Nouwen. The part of me that has Reformed Dogmatics running through my blood sometimes recoils, but then I remind myself that the Holy Spirit is greater than Reformed Dogmatics.

Nouwen talks about the Desert Fathers and the beginnings of withdrawal from the world at the beginning of the Christian era.

His insights in the pull of our greed and anger from the love of the world really speaks to me.

Whenever I think of “the love of the world” I hear the voice of a childhood elder teaching our Sunday School classes. Love of the world meant listening to Rock music, wearing jewelry, turning the music up loud, going to the malls and dressing like hippies…

But the love of the world is far more insidious.

I long to be drawn deeper into fellowship with God. I want to know him as he is, which means that I need to know Jesus and his sufferings, temptations, victories. What did it mean to Jesus to withdraw from the world?

When he was led into the wilderness and tested of the devil, there were three temptations. Nouwen got me thinking about them in a different light.

1. Stones to bread – Jesus was tempted with security, safety, significance. If he can turn stones to bread, he will never be hungry again.

But man does not live by bread only. The bread that fills the belly is a poor substitute for the living bread, where Jesus gives us himself.

2. “Throw yourself off the temple”. When the angels charge down, think of the reputation you will get. Just like Moses at the Red Sea. Everyone will listen to you. Everyone will fear you. When you speak, everyone will listen.

“But “You shall not put Jehovah to the test.” We live by his word, not by shows of power. We live by his life and his promises, not by circuses and pomp and the glories of this world.

3. I will give you all these kingdoms”. What could a good man do with unlimited power? What good could he accomplish! No need for a cross, or suffering, or taking the lowest place! What the world needs is a strong leader, not another wimp.

But you can worship power, or you can worship Jehovah. You cannot do both. The Baals of old were cruel taskmasters, but the power was alluring. Unfortunately, that power also takes your children and your children’s children.

“You shall worship the Lord your God”.

And today, we (myself included) continually fall for the same temptations.

If only we had financial security. If only we had a bit more recognition for my accomplishments and worth. If only people would respect my leadership.

We thought that the country could be saved with the power to make laws, but what has increased is not love and joy and kindness. We got the power, but we sold our souls to hatred, greed, envy, sexual assault, rape, murder, blasphemy, heresy, witchcraft and destruction.

We had to worship the wrong God for the power we thought we could do good with, and now we carry the dead corpse of the culture on our backs.

We poured our money into earthly glory. Fountains, and carpets, private jets and large buildings, celebrities and conferences and book deals…and lost our souls.

Maybe we need some time in the desert. In silence. exposing our greed and anger before the God of grace.

Maybe its time we shut ourselves in our closets and grieved our own sins.

It is why I haven’t written much lately. It is why I haven’t done a podcast lately.

Before I can speak, I first need to learn how to be silent.

That’s what repentance is, isn’t it? It is turning away from the significance, glory and power of this world, and facing God naked and silent.

That’s a new one for me.

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