Monthly Archives: October 2020

What if…?

What if I fail?

What if I’m not strong enough?

What if I’m not smart enough? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I pour everything I have into it and it isn’t enough?

Or worse, what if I just don’t want to? What if I get tired? What if I fall into sin one too many times?

What if everything is my fault? What if what they say about me is true? What if I can’t figure it all out?

What if those things that I thought were right were actually wrong? What if they lied to me? What if I made a decision that was foolish?

What if my health completely collapses and my anxiety and my fears smother me completely and all I can do is rock back and forth and cry out “Abba, Father”?

What if my good works were selfish? What if my gift of cold water wasn’t enough? What if I didn’t visit enough?

What if I just get tired and can’t read another dry theology text book? What if my words fail? What if I can’t tell the difference between finitude and sin? Between rest and laziness? What if I don’t do enough?

What if opportunity came knocking but I was just too tired, too exhausted, to discouraged and too disappointed to answer?

I can’t sort it. I look into the depths of my soul and all I can see are my failures and missed opportunities and careless words and –

What if I’m not sorry enough for my sins? What if my repentance isn’t good enough? What if my faith isn’t strong enough?

(Pro 12:25) Anxiety in a man’s heart weighs it down, But a good word makes it glad.

Is there a good word? Is there one little Word to fell the prince of darkness grim?

I can’t find rest in my soul. I can’t find rest in empty platitudes. I can’t even discern the thoughts and intentions of my own heart. I think I mean well, but what do I know?

But I know a Word that cannot lie, that cannot mislead, and that cannot deceive, and he says,

(Matt 11:28-30)  28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
  29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
  30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

And so, Lamb of God, I come again. I’m glad you don’t get tired of me. I’m glad for your perfect righteousness and holiness that you gave to me. I’m glad for your resurrection and the new life you give me again and again and again. Refresh me again, O Lamb of God.

I’m glad you lift me in your wings. I’m glad that you told me to come to you in the day of trouble.

And so, Lamb of God, I come to you again. For I’m in trouble. My heart is heavy. My foolishness and ignorance is weighing on me again. I’m tired and hurting. And so I come to you again.

I’m glad that you said, “the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out.” (Jn. 6:37)

Because I am coming again. I am coming because I believe your words. I am coming because you said you wouldn’t cast me out and I cannot bear the thought of being outcast. So here I am. Waiting. Wash me in your precious blood and take my sins away.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

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