We all have those things that we carry around with us. One of my fears is to be kicked out, unwanted, excluded.
I say awkward things. I act weird. I am pretty sure that I smell strange.
I take several showers a day because I am afraid that I might be dirty.
I have never been to a party or a gathering where I didn’t spend hours afterwards wondering if I said something weird.
For this reason, I can’t imagine enjoying myself at anything, really. It’s too much work.
I would far rather be serving the table than to be served at a table.
The fear of being thrown out is so intense and pervasive that it colors everything.
I am afraid that I just take up space that I don’t belong in.
I am afraid that everyone would rather I didn’t come.
I’m afraid that they are just talking about me behind my back.
I’m afraid that my fears make me obnoxious.
I’m afraid that being afraid is really just being self-absorbed.
And then I’m afraid that being self-absorbed means that I don’t deserve to be at the table and that place really should just go somewhere else.
And by that time, my breathing increases, I start to sweat, I have to count my fingers and do my breathing exercises….
And it is far easier to just stay home. But then, it is lonely at home. So I force myself.
One of the examples of the kingdom of God is a banquet full of guests. “Blessed is the one who eats and drinks at the kingdom of God!”
I can’t imagine it. But at the same time I long for it.
Blessed is the one who rests in the bosom of the Almighty.
Rest in his arms? I can’t imagine it. My mind would go into overdrive. And yet, that I what I long for.
In other words, we aren’t going to be ready for the kingdom of God until God makes us ready for the kingdom of God. How can we take our impure, unclean selves into the presence of the pure and beautiful Lamb of God?
We all want to be back in Eden. We long to be in God’s arms again. We want to be known and loved and to know and to love.
And that terrifies us at the same time.
How can the marriage supper of the lamb be a joyful thing when we can’t stop our fears and anxieties and self-sabotage long enough to even have a drink with friends?
Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Deliver me from the body of this death!!
Make me ready, clothe me with your beautiful garments, hold me in your strong arms, protect me from myself, quiet my heart – let the peace of God rule my heart AND my mind.
Let me truly absorb that you took all of my fears and my ugliness and my filthiness upon yourself. Let me feel the waters of my baptism running down my body washing me clean. Anoint me with pure oil.
Fill me with your Breath. Breathe on me so I can breathe again.
Let me breathe with your breath of love. Shine in me so that I may receive your love and your beauty – that I might know grace and accept it.
For Father, I know this because you told me: You love me. You long for me to be in your presence. You want me there.
Lord Jesus, you came to take the curse away from me, putting death to death, and conquering the grave with its ugliness and fears.
And Holy Breath of God, Spirit of the Lord Jesus, fill me with your life that I might be one with the Lord Jesus, flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone. For then, I can truly rest.
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