Category Archives: Abuse

May 9, 2024 · 7:38 pm

9 things about Marriage and Divorce in the Bible

1. The Bible was written in the context of a patriarchal culture. But everything that the Bible promises is the obliteration of the patriarchal culture in the kingdom of Christ, where there is no more male or female, rich or poor, bond or free, but all are one body in Christ.

2. The instructions on marriage and divorce in both the Old and the New Testaments were given to protect the weak – particularly the women and children – from the power of the strong. Redemption would only come from Jesus. But the law was designed to give a measure of protection from the worst abuses until Jesus came.

3. The Bible does not say or teach anything like “God hates divorce”.

4. The leaders of the Jews were in the middle of a debate about whether Deuteronomy 24 teaches that a man could kick his wife out for any reason . This is the background behind Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 5 and Matthew 19. It has nothing to do with a woman fleeing an abusive spouse.

5. There is no such thing as either an “ecclesiastical divorce” or a “marriage in the eyes of God”.

6. According to the Bible, if one is married, one is married. If one is divorced, one is divorced. There is no category for perpetual separation. It only breeds confusion. 1 Corinthians 7 is addressing another issue entirely.

7. There are no instructions anywhere about getting the permission of your church leaders before filing for divorce. Apparently this practice only began after the church took over the duties of the magistrate after the fall of Rome. Wherever it came from, there isn’t a whisper of it in the Bible. You don’t have to ask the elders’ permission to marry. You also don’t need their permission to divorce.

8. If you have fled a spouse, filed a divorce, separated from a spouse and are now convicted that your reasoning was indeed sinful, God has washed you completely clean, you have no stigma, no stained garment and no spoiled rose. Christ’s blood is powerful and effective against every stain. Make whatever amends you need to make, right whatever wrongs you need to right, and move on.

9. Any theology that one espouses that makes one the superior of another one of God’s children – no matter what language you use – is not from God. You can call it “loving leadership”, or “Covenant headship” or “leadership roles” or right of creation, or anything else you wish – the fact remains. No where, in all of scripture, does a person have a God-given right to rule over the body and soul of another human being. King James called it “The divine right of kings”; White southern Presbyterianism called it the “order of creation” for whites to rule over blacks. And modern theobros call it “gender roles”. It boils down to the same garbage. To be a Christian is to become the slave of all – (Phil. 2), just as Christ did, and love our neighbor, including our spouses, with the same love with which we love ourselves.

 

More to come. If you are in danger, or live with abuse – whether spiritual, physical, emotional, or sexual, please find safety. Please call 1-800-799-SAFE

God redeemed you, body and soul to be free. He did not redeem you to become the target of an angry spouse’s rage. He desires to set you free.

If you would like to talk these things over, please make an appointment with me at www.sampowellministries.com

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February 9, 2024 · 5:18 am

Getting the wrong answer

When I was a child, we had a teacher that believed in shaming and hurting children who did poorly on tests. If they missed a certain number of answers, they were called to the front of the class and told to “assume the position” and given a “swat”.

To us, it just seemed like normal childhood. As I grew up I realized how abusive that is.

Then I realized that so many churches, especially churches that should know better, have the same policy.

If you get the answer wrong, you will be “beaten” and shamed. And they will also follow you relentlessly to make sure that the proper beating is administered.

But a church is to be a community of fellowship. Where ideas can be shared without shame and fear, where we trust the power of the Holy Spirit and the blood of Christ. Where we listen to one another, bear with one another, share ideas with one another without fear and examine those ideas in a fellowship of communion and peace.

Far too often, men and women are terrified into silence. Men and women who diverge from the acceptable opinions are tried and found wanting, driven away, insulted, reviled, and shamed. And these acceptable opinions change with the times and whatever political wind happens to be blowing.

This could be why so many in Reformed churches get a “deer in the headlight” look at fellowship time when you ask a question – if they get the answer wrong, they will be ostracized, driven out, figuratively (or literally, if you are a woman in some circles) beaten.

There were pastors in my denomination that beat children who didn’t memorize the catechism correctly.

The catechism must be recited word for word. The acceptable answers grow continually each day and you had better know what the answer is.

I even wrote a series of the kinds of unspoken questions that you are expected to answer correctly, but I deleted them. I’m still afraid of the beating. (I know – childhood trauma raising its head).

And through it all, the unspoken doctrine was this: Jesus hates people who get the answers wrong.

And then one day I saw something astounding. Jesus’ disciples got the answers wrong a LOT. And he loved them, washed their feet, and loved them to the end.

And he patiently led them, taught them, bore with them, and commanded them to do the same.

And in 1 Corinthians 12, he reminded all of his disciples that there are many different parts in one body, so that we might learn to love people who answer the questions differently than we might.

It’s been a learning curve for me, and I’ve taken some beatings. But some beatings are worth it. I’ll take a beating for the gospel of peace anytime.

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April 22, 2023 · 4:42 pm

But Can’t God Change an Abuser’s Heart?

This question comes up a lot. It is no secret that I have taught frequently that abuse is grounds for divorce. I believe that even ONE time of physical violence or expression of hatred is a breaking of the vows (or the covenant, if you prefer) of marriage. The innocent party has every right to get whatever legal assistance she (or he) needs, up to and including divorce.

I also believe that the one who has been harmed is able to judge their safety far better than I can, and I will support whatever they decide to do.

But when I say that, it is almost certain the someone will quote 1 Peter 3 to me.

3 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. (1 Pet. 3:1–2.)

But understanding the context of a passage is crucial to understanding the passage. Peter is speaking of women newly converted, learning about their freedom in Christ, and asking what to do about their husbands who do not believe.

It isn’t about abusive husbands in the 21st century. If a man (or a woman) breaks their vows, and divorce is possible, that is another subject.

In this passage, Peter is addressing newly converted wives. Just as with male converts, the greatest witness one can have is to shine the meekness and restfulness in heart to a restless and proud world.

But maybe that would be another blog.

For now, I would like to answer the question, “But can’t God convert my abusive husband?”

Or the pastor tells you to stick in your marriage, even if you are in danger, because God can change a man’s heart.

Abusers know that this is the hope of the believer, because they use it to keep their victims in bondage. “I know I’ve been a bad husband, but I am changing. God is working in me. I am going to be better. I know I’ve hurt you but I’m really going to try to stop.”

So let’s look at that question.

Can God change an abuser. Of course he can.

But now let’s talk about wisdom. We know, first of all, that the change of a man’s heart (or a woman’s heart) takes the almighty power of God, the same power that created the world and raised Jesus from the dead. Apart from God’s almighty, supernatural power, there is no redemption or salvation. It is nothing less than a re-creation from the shambles of the ruined one.

In other words, regeneration is a miracle of God’s power. It is not natural. It is not a part of the order of creation. It is God reaching into history and breaking the power of sin and death by the death and resurrection of his begotten son, and the indwelling of the Spirit of Life.

Jesus changing water to wine was also a miracle by the almighty power of the Creator. So was his walking on the water.

Jesus enabled Peter to walk on water. He gave the apostles the power to cast out demons and heal the sick.

But that is not in the ordinary order of creation. WE, as humans, do not have an audience in the throne room of God, and are not privy to the roll sealed inside and out. We don’t know what God is going to do. But we CAN act according to wisdom.

Knowledge of God’s power teaches us that Jesus can enable us to walk on water. Wisdom teaches us to build bridges. This also is honoring to God and his creative power.

Knowledge of God’s power teaches us that Jesus can turn water into wine. Wisdom teaches us to get a job and find a good wine vendor.

Knowledge of God’s power teaches us that Jesus can heal the sick. Wisdom teaches us to get vaccinated and go to a doctor.

And here is the pertinent one. Knowledge of God’s power teaches us that God can take the vilest sinner, even an abusive man, and make him a servant, giving him a new heart and a new spirit.

But wisdom teaches us that as a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly (Proverbs 26:11).

We are not to tempt God, placing our lives in danger in the hopes that he will work a miracle. We are to live in wisdom, according to the natural order of creation.

A fool remains a fool.

Wisdom teaches us that a man who abuses an animal will also abuse his wife.

Wisdom teaches us that a man who strangles his lover has an extremely high probability of killing her eventually.

Wisdom teaches us that an angry man with a gun will eventually shoot someone in rage.

Wisdom teaches us that a man with no control over his anger will continue to have no control over his anger.

Wisdom teaches us that a woman who enjoys manipulation and control will continue to enjoy manipulation and control.

And wisdom teaches us that a man who enjoys manipulation, power, control, and inflicting pain and terror will continue to enjoy manipulation, power, control and inflicting pain and terror.

Let these words sink into your head. Your love won’t change him. Your pleas won’t change him. Your begging won’t change him.

You can’t convince him to live as a decent human being because he doesn’t want to and you can’t shame him into it.

The only hope for him is if God changes his heart.

And the wind blows where it will; God has mercy on whom he will have mercy and whom he will he hardens.

Hard truths, but that is how we are called to live.

Walk in love, live in kindness, expect the gospel to work in the hearts of men and women. But live in wisdom. Let God be God. The softening of the proud heart is too hard for you.

It is OK for you to free yourself of that burden.

One final note – wisdom lives according to the order of the created universe. Faith lives according to the promises. If you are a believer and love the Lord Jesus, he has promised you that he will complete that work in you. It IS a supernatural work and therefore not according to the order of the universe, but it is a promise of our almighty father. He WILL complete that work, because he has promised. So you can certainly rest in him. 


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March 18, 2023 · 8:11 am

Husbands, love your wives

I received this comment on one of my blogs. I appreciate that Jon took the time to write, as it gives me an opportunity to draw a distinction between two different religions – modern patriarchy and Christianity. They are not the same, as we will see.

Here is the comment:

It surprised me that this conversation went straight to divorce. I realized many years ago that my happiness does not depend on my wife and that the happiness of my wife does not depend upon me. Once I realized this I made decisions for the family without asking permission, but with giving guidance. As the leader I realized all that was needed was guidance and conviction that I was operating under the leadership of the Holy Spirit. I made decisions, informed my wife of those decisions and did not stop until the task was done. I protected my family as best I could from any tough repercussions from that decision and when the task was complete my family reaped the rewards and were happy.
This all meant that I had to be in lock step with the Spirit and I had to follow through with all my decisions to the end. The worst was having to deal with a wife who was against me for the decision I was making. Previously I would have surrendered my will to what my wife desired which was perceived safety and security. I fought through those issues and was prepared to face the challenges of the task at hand whether it be a business decision or a move or a remodel. Anything I chose to do brought initial kickback from my wife, but follow through and determination brought success and more willingness by my family to trust my decision making.
It is the man’s job in the family to lead. If he allows the fears of the wife to stop any progress, the the family will be stuck. There will be resentment towards the wife and then the man can do very hurtful things.
I am not blaming women. I am blaming men for not being leaders and following through, ignoring in many cases the fears of the wife. Weak men cannot lead a family to victory. Until I became strong I was resentful and hurtful. Now I lead and my family has never been happier and so very successful. My wife and children are honored in the church and community. They are blessed. It is because I quit blaming them and took responsibility for my own actions.
If I have any suggestions for wives, it is to submit to your husband and honor his decisions and hold him accountable to follow through and support him throughout the process. To be patient with the process because everything takes time to complete. Often longer than expected. Do not kill his spirit because once that happens, often to weak men, it will end up in an irreparable relationship.

Dear Jon. The essence of being human is being an image-bearer of God. We are created with the ability to discern between good and evil, to make decisions, to interpret the world, to think and feel and shine God’s beauty and love to the world around us.

We were created to have dominion over all creation and be the voice of praise to the creator, to rest in his presence and join our voices to his in saying, “Behold, it is very good.”

This image-bearing was gifted equally to the male as well as to the female (Genesis 1:27).

God’s beauty and wisdom and love and justice are infinite. Humans are not. But God shows his wisdom by the remarkable diversity in all of creation, including the wonderful different gifts and personalities in each human that he created, male or female.

Of course, when the fall entered, mankind lusted after dominating each other, rather than having dominion over creation and disharmony entered. Men and women became slaves to sin, and there was nothing they could do about it.

So instead of marvelous freedom and diverse gifts and beautiful harmony, there entered domination, slavery, control, and pride. Men and women became slaves to sin.

This was pictured beautifully in Egypt. The whole story of our redemption is painted on the background of the Exodus, where the nation of Israel was redeemed from their hard bondage in Egypt to be the people of God in liberty and joy. Their slavery was so strong that the strength of men could not deliver them. Men could not work up enough will power to deliver them. The husbands could not bring about deliverence through their manliness. They were enslaved and powerless. But God delivered them with his outstretched arm. Both Moses and Miriam sing at the destruction of Pharaoh’s army.

But that was just a picture. As you know from the story, the slavery in Egypt was broken, but the slavery to sin was as powerful as ever. God gave the law from Sinai, and within a few days, Israel was worshiping golden calves. With a golden calf, they believed that they could control Jehovah. A God who speaks, who enters covenants freely, who loves, is actually terrifying because of the bondage of sin. The God who is cannot be controlled. All we can do is rest in his love.

But in order to rest in Jehovah’s love, we have to give up control and believe in the name of the One who Saves.

You can worship control, or you can worship The God Who Saves. But you can’t do both.

On the cross, Jesus broke the bonds of sin and death and misery. The law couldn’t do it. Authority and submission couldn’t do it. If man could have been made righteous by the law, Christ died in vain.

The problem was slavery and powerlessness. We are all subject to death.

Christ delivered us from the fear of death and the power of sin that we might serve him without fear, with our full restored image of God, reflecting his tremendous beauty and wisdom as we were created to do.

When the Holy Spirit was poured out on the church (Acts 2), it was poured out on men and women, old men and maidens. And later that included rich and poor, Greek and Jew, bond and free.

Satan hates God and hates his image. He seeks to silence the voice, crush the will, destroy the spirit. But Jesus died to set his people free. He governs his church by his word and spirit, NOT by tables of stone. He writes the law on the heart.

This means that your wife has equal access to the spirit that you have. The spirit was not poured out on you alone. Throughout scripture, God spoke through holy men AND women and held his people accountable for listening to them.

God could have spoken directly to Barak. But he spoke to him through Deborah. Barak could listen to her and live. Or hold on to his masculine pride and die. Sisera wasn’t defeated by testosterone, but by the power of God.

The two central doctrines of Christianity, the virgin birth and the resurrection, were witnessed by the women. The men could listen to them and live. Or they could ignore them and die. By God’s grace, the apostle’s repented of their hardness of heart and listened to the women.

So one question to answer is this – how certain are you that YOU are the one being led by the spirit and not your wife?

It is not the Spirit of Christ that silences the voices of his people. I fear that you are unaware of the spirit that you are operating under. But Christ came to restore us to his image, not silence us and keep us in bondage.

You are treating your wife like Pharaoh treated the Israelites. This is NOT Christianity. Peter commanded YOU to treat your wife as a co-heir of eternal life, not like one who is still in bondage to sin and misery. You are taking one verse out of context and deriving a whole new religion.

Your religion is a religion of control, not peace. A religion of authority and submission, not rest. A religion of bondage, not freedom of conscience. A religion where YOU are the golden calf, seeking to control the power of God.

This is paganism, not Christianity. If the Holy Spirit is poured out on you, it is also poured out upon your wife, and you will answer to him about how you treated his sheep.

I pray fervently that you will either repent of your cruelty, or that God will provide freedom for you wife. Treating her like this is oppressive and wicked. You are not loving her as Christ loved the church and set her free.

The scripture does not say, “Love your wife as Ahasuerus loved Vashti.”

Nor does it say, “Love your wife and Nabal loved Abigail”.

Nor, “Love your wife and Pharaoh loved Israel”.

All of those examples are examples of wicked men seeking to control people, rather than watching them thrive in freedom.

Love your wife as Christ loved the church. And how did he love his church? Read Philippians 2 carefully. He took the lowest place. He became a slave to all. He gave himself that she might be free.

Assume that your wife is an image-bearer of God and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. Set her free. If you belong to Christ, it is what he has done for you. So how dare you use that liberty as an excuse to enslave your wife and crush her voice?

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February 24, 2023 · 5:57 pm

Believing her, and “false accusations”

This morning, on Facebook, I wrote this:

When someone has been abused, their abuser has also worked very hard to convince them and everyone else that they are liars.

You should be able to understand why.

The fact of human nature is that wicked people can do far worse things to one another than we can possibly imagine. Even people of your own tribe can do unspeakable things to one another.

When we say “I believe you” when someone shares their story, we have given them space to heal, space to breathe, and have gifted them with the first step to their healing and peace. We have borne their burden with them and told them that they are not alone. They are three of the most powerful words we can say.

“I believe you.”

Those words are like water in a desert land, food for a starving man; One spends their life hiding, fearing, silently hoping that she (or he) could speak and someone, anyone would believe them.

We don’t do so well with that. They finally get up the courage to speak up, and most of the time we try everything we can think of to not believe them.

“Are you sure?”

“People don’t act like that.”

“Were there witnesses?”

“We need to get both sides of the story.”

Because if they are lying, then we can continue to pretend that our lives are safe and normal and predictable. But if they are telling the truth, then our world flips over and everything we thought was true proves to be false. It is so much easier if they were just lying.

But they are almost never lying. In fact, it is usually far, far worse than they first tell you.

And so most people never speak. And because they never speak, they aren’t allowed to heal and grieve.

We should do better, even if it turns your world upside down.

“I believe you.”

The normal- albeit disturbing reaction – among certain ones in the church is something like, “What about false accusations, Like Potiphar’s wife?”

So here are a few thoughts on that.

On my original post, I was not speaking to judges, jurists, or anyone else whose business it is to determine the facts of crimes committed. For some reason, Christians have been trained to enter into “jurist” mode whenever a friend discloses abuse. No wonder so many people keep silent.

I am a pastor. When a woman discloses to me,  I listen, I empathize. I ask listening questions to make sure I am understanding right. If there are crimes committed and I am mandated to report, I report it to those who have the duty to investigate. If not, I protect her privacy, but encourage HER to report it to the ones trained in investigation. But I believe her.

For one thing, except for a few exceptions which I will mention later, the reporting victim has everything to lose and nothing to gain. When you look at what all of those who reported abuse in high-profile cases have endured, don’t you wonder why anyone would disclose anything – unless, of course, it was true.

I am trying to think of exceptions – but I can only think of one. Potiphar’s wife. Look at her case:

Now Joseph was handsome in form and appearance.
7 And it came to pass after these things that his master’s wife cast longing eyes on Joseph, and she said, “Lie with me.”
8 But he refused and said to his master’s wife, “Look, my master does not know what is with me in the house, and he has committed all that he has to my hand. 9 There is no one greater in this house than I, nor has he kept back anything from me but you, because you are his wife. How then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?”
10 So it was, as she spoke to Joseph day by day, that he did not heed her, to lie with her or to be with her.
11 But it happened about this time, when Joseph went into the house to do his work, and none of the men of the house was inside, 12 that she caught him by his garment, saying, “Lie with me.” But he left his garment in her hand, and fled and ran outside. 13 And so it was, when she saw that he had left his garment in her hand and fled outside, 14 that she called to the men of her house and spoke to them, saying, “See, he has brought in to us a Hebrew to mock us. He came in to me to lie with me, and I cried out with a loud voice. 15 And it happened, when he heard that I lifted my voice and cried out, that he left his garment with me, and fled and went outside.”
16 So she kept his garment with her until his master came home. 17 Then she spoke to him with words like these, saying, “The Hebrew servant whom you brought to us came in to me to mock me; 18 so it happened, as I lifted my voice and cried out, that he left his garment with me and fled outside.”
19 So it was, when his master heard the words which his wife spoke to him, saying, “Your servant did to me after this manner,” that his anger was aroused. 20 Then Joseph’s master took him and put him into the prison, a place where the king’s prisoners were confined. And he was there in the prison
.

The New King James Version (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1982), Ge 39:6–20.

A few things to note – first, SHE was the abuser, not Joseph. The power was not on Joseph’s side. It was on hers. She sexually abused him for a long time and he resisted. She became angry at his resistance and was looking for vengeance. She had nothing to lose. She was the master’s wife. He was a slave with no rights at all.

My guess is that everyone (including Potiphar) knew what kind of a person she was, which could explain why Joseph was kept in prison instead of executed.

But everyone involved in the household knew that the woman was after the slave. He had to keep avoiding her and tried not to be alone with her. The other slaves weren’t stupid. They would all have known who was the victim and who was the aggressor.

The fact is that unless the woman has the upper hand with the power, the money, the privilege – she will NOT be believed. Look at how many witnesses it took to get anyone to listen about Harvey Weinstein, Larry Nassar, Jerry Sandusky, Bill Cosby.

Look at how many years it took to expose the wickedness in the Roman Catholic Church, the Sovereign Grace Ministries, and the Southern Baptist Convention – and the victims STILL are cast out, ridiculed, and threatened.

And then look at what all of the victims have had to go through. They have had the most private things about themselves revealed to the world. They have been mocked, disbelieved, ridiculed, thrown out of churches, they have lost their homes, their families, their friends, their safety –

Who on earth would go through that? – unless, of course, it was true.

Do false accusations exist? Sure. Which is why pastors MUST be trauma informed, trained in the dynamics of abuse and assault, and spend far, far more time listening then they do speaking. And they certainly are not trained investigators. Leave that to those trained in it. Just believe. Listen. Be a pastor.

And if you are a friend, just listen. Believe your friend. She (or he) has risked so, so much to reveal just a tiny bit of what she has endured.

If there are lies involved, they will be exposed. Don’t further wound the injured sheep with skepticism. They are only telling you the tip of the iceberg, in the hopes that they will be believed.

And perhaps, if we quit assuming that she is probably lying, maybe more people will talk to us, exposing the works of darkness. And as we humbly seek change in our own hearts, maybe we can become better at listening.


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December 1, 2022 · 3:36 pm

Why didn’t she speak up?

What a remarkable, wonderful gift the gift of speech is! We were created wo commune with God and with each other with words. Think of it!!

God created us to bear his image, and that image is first seen when the first human named the animals. He used words and connected them to ideas and filled them with content. And thus he was able to receive the revelation of God.

Adam named the lamb, and when God became flesh and entered the world, he told mankind that he was the lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world.

Words. With words we pray. With words we speak the truth. With words we encourage. With words we say, “I love you” and “your hair is beautiful” and “I love the shape of you and how you fit with me and the way that your neck smells like I belong.”

But sin is now in the world, and that which was meant for beauty and truth was twisted into ugliness and lies and silence. Satan was a liar from the beginning.

Satan does not want the image of God reflected in words. He twists the words to make them ugly and hateful, and he silences the cries of the oppressed. For the darkness reigns when the dark places remain dark. It is for the advantage of the evil one that secrets remain secret and crimes remain hidden behind non-disclosure agreements.

When you read through the Psalms, you see godly men and women crying out, lifting up their voices to the Almighty One, whose Voice called them into existence.

They speak of praise and joy, pain and sorrow, laughter and anger, oppression and helplessness, despair and elation. And all of it is expressed in words.

He hurt me. He plowed my back. He is telling lies. He oppressed and afflicted me.

Because when the light is on, salvation is near. When the light is hidden under a bushel, bondage still reigns.

God would have us turn the lights on, and he calls us to use words.

But the church, which is to be the place where the light is on, is using her voice to silence the oppressed, the plowed-under, those who are crushed under unspeakable sorrow. Instead of using the voice to bring light into darkness, the voice is silenced by guilt and shame.

When one is buried by decades of silence and the heart has grown numb and buried by walls, the soul sinks into despair. But then, where the gloom has buried hope, a light finally arises and the curtains are pulled back.

And the helpless one finally finds her voice. She is finally able to speak of the atrocities done to her and bring them out into the light and look for healing.

And then those who are appointed as overseers of the soul speak.

“Did you follow Matthew 18?”

“Did you have two or three witnesses?”

“What were you wearing?”

“Where were you when this happened”

“Why didn’t you tell people earlier?”

“Why did you call the police?”

“Why didn’t you call the police?”

“What did you do to cause this?”

And here is the mistake that the oppressed make. They think that if they do everything right, say it just right, dot all of the eyes and cross all of the ts, then the shepherds will HAVE to listen. After all, they are the guardians of truth.

But here is why it is a mistake. If they believe you, their whole world must collapse. The reality of the brutality that you have experienced doesn’t fit their worldview, and therefore it cannot be real. In their worldview, those kinds of crimes happen to other people, outsiders, gentiles, not in our own camp.

If they believe you, then they have choices to make, investigations, confrontation, and cutting out a cancer. And it is far easier to ignore the cancer, pretend that it isn’t there, and go on with life than it is to do what has to be done with cancer. It is easier in the short term to silence the one who warns of cancer than to deal with the cancer.

So they don’t want to hear, and it won’t matter how it is said, they will find some reason not to believe you. They will twist words, they will pull out their verses, they will hire a PR firm, they will issue statements, they will do everything they can think of…

Except believe you.

And this is actually encouraging for the psalmist of every age, crying out for justice.

Listen closely: It isn’t you. It isn’t because you did something wrong, or said it wrong, or didn’t say it at the right time, or didn’t follow the right procedure or whatever other excuse the gatekeepers throw at you.

That isn’t it.

It is because they are of their father the devil and the works of their father they will do. He was a liar and a murderer from the beginning and the truth was not in him.

Speak anyway. Because when you speak, you shine a little light into the darkness.

But even more than that – you show yourself to be a child of the light.

Arise, shine, and Christ will give you light.

And the darkness hates the light. It always has because it loves the darkness. It is easier to hide in the darkness that to be exposed by the light.

Speak anyway. You will find that there are those who walk in the light who hear you. Who understand. Who see you.

Jesus sees you. He knows. He wants you to speak to him. He calls you to come down from the tree. Come out of hiding.

“Who touched me?” he says.

If that was you, tell him everything. He knows already, but he created you with a voice. Don’t let the Evil One silence that voice, because that voice is beautiful in your Father’s ears.

He hears you. He keeps your tears in his bottle, and every one of them will be avenged.

So speak. Write your own psalm. Speak your truth.

You won’t ever do it correct enough or have enough witnesses for the children of the devil to listen. They aren’t going to listen, not even if you sent an angel from heaven to thunder in their ears.

Speak anyway, because you are a child of light.

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November 17, 2022 · 8:07 am

An Abusive Man’s Toolbox

It is in the best interest of an abusive man to use religious coercion to hold onto access to his victims.

Godly sounding “christianese” sometimes serves that purpose very well.

One phrase that sticks in my craw is this one:

“God designed marriage to make you holy, not happy.”

I can’t explain how this one became so popular, except by the first sentence above. But it is wrong.

God instituted marriage before the fall, when Adam and Eve both walked in God’s presence in the temple of Eden.

Adam was already holy when God presented him with Eve. Even was given to Adam as a fitting helper, and Adam exclaimed with joy, “At last! Flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone!” And God saw it and said, “Behold, it is very good.”

Man’s lack of holiness came AFTER the fall, when he was driven from Eden, away from God’s presence. That holiness is only restored in the Second Adam.

By union with him, we are made what we are not. We are holy, because we are flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone. He has consecrated himself so that he might consecrate us and present us to God, a bride without blemish and without spot. If you belong to Christ, you ARE holy, and you will be MADE holy – whether you are married or single, widowed or divorced, male or female.

But the design of marriage is the same as it has always been. For the happiness and joy of the two entering into marriage.

So that brings me to compassion. We are called to enter into the suffering and pain of others, especially of the body of Christ. When one member hurts, all members hurt. We are called to hurt and suffer together as well as rejoice together. But that is costly.

It takes time to enter into someone’s pain. It may cause you to re-evaluate everything that you thought was solid. It may cause sleepless nights, wrestling in prayer. It may cause you to weep, which is always uncomfortable.

But it may also cause you to have to step out of your comfortable worldview, where “we are all nice Christians here” and into a worldview where wolves terrorize sheep and the sheep are often left scattered and alone and vulnerable.

And that is never a comfortable zone for anyone to be in.

So when a sister or brother tentatively reaches out about pain in marriage, about the abuse she is suffering at the hands of her husband, about the horrible things that human beings can do to each other, it is far safer and more comfortable for the hearer to bounce it back, put up a “I-am-so-not-interested” wall and say,

“Marriage is designed to make you holy, not happy.”

Then make some mmm, mmmm, mmmm sounds. Grasp her hands and make a sad face, and send her on her way.

That way you don’t have to disrupt your own life with uncomfortable truths.

But it is wrong.

As members of Christ, we are to be as he is. We enter into suffering as he does. We walk with the wounded as he does. We pay the cost to sit with the vulnerable and suffering, because Christ paid the ultimate cost and we are honored to take up his cross with him. He paid the cost so that we might be delivered from the hard bondage of sin and misery and the kingdom of the devil.

And it should be our greatest desire to lead others to the paths of liberty. What a great joy when a sheep escapes from the mouth of a wolf!

So listen to the uncomfortable stories. Tear down the wall that you think is keeping you safe and learn to walk with the wounded. Bear the reproach of Christ, and the insults.

It is tremendously costly. Ask anyone who has made a habit of it, and they’ll tell you.

But when you do so, you will have the honor of being more and more like Christ, reflecting his comfort, righteousness and beauty to a wounded and hurting world.

“Be ye holy”, he says. “For I am holy.”

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December 15, 2021 · 8:36 am

Where abuse thrives

For many years, I worked in the Food and Beverage industry. It has a way of creeping into your pores and into your vocabulary.

I’ve seen restaurants shut their doors because of foodborne illness. Little pathogens and toxins sometimes attach themselves to food and cause illness or even death. Very few restaurants can survive an outbreak.

I don’t know of any restauranteurs that will confess a love of germs. If asked, they will proclaim strongly how much effort and energy they put into the destruction of germs and how clean their establishments are. But the proof is seen in the washing of the hands, the monitoring of food temperatures, the cleanliness of the corners and the walk-in refrigerators, the labelling – in the routines.

Whether a restaurant is truly safe is not dependent upon whether they SAY they are opposed to foodborne illness; but in the environment they keep. Some environments give themselves wholly to the growth of germs and toxins. In order to be safe, good restauranteurs learn how to create an environment that is hostile to germs. It is that simple.

For 20 years, I taught restaurant employees how to create a hostile work environment. Not hostile towards health and goodness and nutrition and peace; but hostile to pathogens and illness and toxins.

Some got it. A few never did. It takes effort and intentionality, and not everyone is willing. They will eventually cause an outbreak.

I’ve been thinking about this lately. I don’t know of any pastors who will just say that they enjoy having pedophiles, revilers, and abusers destroy their ministry. Every one that I know will say, with varying degrees of skill, that they are opposed in the strongest way possible to those who would hurt a child, or revile their spouses.

But that really isn’t the question. The question is this – are they creating an environment where abuse thrives? A quick glance at the news will show us that there is something in the teaching of modern evangelicalism that causes abuse and revilers to thrive.

But in order for sheep to be safe in church, the environment must be “hostile” towards the wolves.

This is why I write what I do. It is for the same reason that I taught young restauranteurs how to protect against food-borne illness. We who have the power to do so must do whatever we can to protect life, to protect health. We must be people of life carrying the savor of life.

And that, very often, means the savor of death – to pathogens and to children of Belial.

In restaurants, the savor of life often smells like sanitizer.

In churches, the savor of life smells like the gospel – that in Christ, God is with us.

And if God is with us, children are safe. The weak are safe. The outcast are safe. And those who hurt and destroy are cast away, for none shall hurt or destroy “in all my holy mountain.”

When we are loyal to our brand first, and our people second, we allow wolves to thrive.

When we refuse to learn about the tactics of abusers, we allow them to thrive.

When we arrogantly assume that we know the Bible, so we know all there is to know about abuse, we allow abuse to thrive.

When we refuse to believe the victims unless they meet a burden of proof so enormous that no evidence actually qualifies….

When we force non-disclosure agreements…

When we teach that women’s bodies are created to serve men…

When we teach that all women are to submit to all men…

When we teach “sanctified testosterone” instead of meekness…

When we teach that “all boys experiment with young girls. It’s no big deal…”

When we normalize pornography…

When we call lust “every man’s battle…”

When we refuse to cooperate with the law when they are doing what they are supposed to be doing…

And I’m sure that we could all come up with more.

Please think about it like this. If you are a restaurant owner, and you believe that foodborne illness only happens to the others, that it can’t ever happen to you – and you take no precautions whatsoever to teach your people how to protect against it – then you will eventually close, after causing a lot of sickness and perhaps death. It takes vigilance to protect against germs.

So also, if you believe that abuse only happens to others, to the other denominations, the other people, the liberals, those who aren’t as clever as we are, God will eventually remove your candlestick. But I pray that you won’t continue to cause death and destruction to those who have come to you for rest.

It takes vigilance to protect the sheep. Sometimes you have to take up your cross to do it.

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April 2, 2021 · 7:45 pm

If she is telling the truth…

Another one.

A rich, powerful, mover and shaker.

A young girl. Lots of them, it turns out.

Each one of them is an image-bearer of God, used to satiate the lusts of another rich wolf.

Not only does she have to bear the scars of unspeakable trauma, she now has to hear the attacks and slanders on her name.

(Have you heard the one about the 9 year old girl that was “overly sexualized” and “seduced” her rapist? Yeah. That was what he said. And they believed him.)

The powerful man – whether minister, representative, president, judge, father, husband – MUST be innocent. If powerful men are this wicked, what hope do any of us have? She, therefore, must be lying.

Why are we so quick to condemn the innocent and acquit the guilty? Why is our gut reaction always, “She’s lying”

“Why didn’t she tell someone?”

Why did she wait?

What was she wearing?

What was she drinking?

Because if she is telling the truth, we live in a different world than the one we want to live in.

If she is telling the truth, then God was right when he said, “Their mouth is an open sepulcher, there is none righteous. No, not one…” and that is hard to swallow.

If she is telling the truth, then the world is ugly and dangerous. But we want it to be safe, at least for people like us.

If she is telling the truth, then “weep and howl, you rich men, for the miseries that shall come upon you” and the judgment of God is terrifying.

But if she is lying, we can go back to the conferences. If she is lying, we can vote for the guy again. He’s so good for our side. We can go on like we always do.

If she is lying, we can shake our heads sorrowfully and go back to the football game.

If she is lying, then our people are still OK and as long as we stay away from those others, we can be safe and happy and blissfully unaware of her hurt and pain and trauma. Our boat stays secure.

As long as she plays the part right. Submit. Keep quiet. Don’t rock the boat. And everything stays the same.

But God sees it. He warns us. It is very, very easy to believe the rich and powerful and influential. We want our heroes sparkling clean, so it is easy to believe that she is lying.

When one is without power, there is no gain in believing her. And if you do believe her, your world will turn upside down.

People will ask, “What happened to you?”

What happened was that I believed her. And my world turned upside down.

I believed her, and I was right. He did it. And the world is upside down. The only hope is the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

We need a resurrection, because death and destruction and hatred and ugliness is very, very real.

God sees it all. And he warns us about believing those from whom we can gain, and dismissing those who cannot profit us.

22 “You shall not afflict any widow or orphan.

23 “If you afflict him at all, and if he does cry out to Me, I will surely hear his cry;

24 and My anger will be kindled, and I will kill you with the sword; and your wives shall become widows and your children fatherless.

(Exod. 22:22-24)

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January 9, 2021 · 8:33 am

Helpful hints for men.

From Harvey Weinstein’s lawyer:

“The pendulum is swinging so far in the overly sensitive direction that men can’t really be men, and women can’t really be women, I feel that women may rue the day that all of this started when no one asks them out on a date, and no one holds the door open for them, and no one tells them that they look nice” (Donna Rotunno).

Since it is apparently needed, here is a helpful guide for men today.
It is OK to tell a woman she looks nice. It is not OK to leer at her and undress her in your mind.

It is OK to hold the door open for a woman. It is not OK to put drugs in her drink and rape her.

It is OK to ask a woman out on a date, assuming, of course, that both of you are single. If she says no, it is not OK to threaten her job, harass her, show up at her house at night, call and hang up, blacklist her from your company or spread horrible rumors about her.

Guide for men in special situations.
If you see a young woman passed out on the street, it is OK to call an ambulance, cover her with your coat, and wait for medical help to arrive. It is NOT OK to rape her while you are waiting.

If you are at a party, and a woman has been drinking to much and starts to flirt with you, it is OK to make sure she is safe and treat her with dignity as an image-bearer of God. It is NOT OK to take advantage of her and use her to satisfy your own godless lusts.

It is OK to go to lunch with a colleague at work, whether they are male or female. It is NOT OK to assault them. If you don’t know the difference between eating lunch with a friend and sexual assault, please do not ask me to lunch.

If you see a young woman on the side of the road and her car is broken down, it is OK to offer assistance. It is not OK to assault her.

If she needs a ride somewhere, it is OK to offer her a ride somewhere. This is NOT to be seen as permission to assault her.

With all of these points, if the woman is extremely attractive, and dressed extremely nicely, the rule still applies. Choice of clothing is NEVER an invitation, nor is it to be mistaken for consent.

When did we get to the point where we can’t tell the difference between manners and assault? What has happened?

So for men everywhere, if you treat women with dignity and honor, as image bearers of God, understanding that you will give an account to their creator who knows and sees the hidden actions and the thoughts of the heart, you should easily be able to tell the difference between sexual assault and acting like a dignified, respectable human.

If you still can’t tell the difference, maybe the proverbial rod for the fool’s back is more in order.

(Proverbs 26:1-3) Like snow in summer and like rain in harvest, So honor is not fitting for a fool.
2 Like a sparrow in its flitting, like a swallow in its flying, So a curse without cause does not alight.
3 A whip is for the horse, a bridle for the donkey, And a rod for the back of fools.

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