4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does 1 Corinthians 7:4 (NRSV).
This is a popular verse for angry men to use, only they usually only quote the first phrase. They use it as a “gotcha” moment and insist that the wife can’t ever refuse her husband.
Many in the complementarian camp also insist that this is a primary reason for pornography among men. The wife won’t give him relief, so he has no option but to seek it outside the marriage.
In the complementarian scheme of things, made popular by MacArthur, Piper, Sproul Jr, Wilson and so many others, a woman is to submit at all times, including in the bedroom. The husband is the aggressor, the conqueror, the invader (in the words of the degenerate Doug Wilson), and the wife is the conquered and the invaded. May he reap what he has sown.
This theology creates a power imbalance in the marriage. The wife cannot say “no” without saying no to God. She is obligated, according to this scheme, to take whatever the husband wants to dish out or risk living in sin.
(The longer I am away from these circles, the weirder all of it sounds. Pick up a copy of “The Great Sex Rescue” by Sheila Wray Gregoire for thorough documentation. And pick up “The Well-Trained Wife” by Tia Levings for a first person account.)
To the uninitiated, this might sound fringe. But it is preached from thousands of pulpits across the country and has made it to the president’s cabinet as they seek to impose Project 2025. We need to pay attention. There are many in the highest offices of the country who believe that the 19th amendment should be repealed.
There are problems here. The first is that it is very bad exegesis. God did not create men and women in a hierarchy. He created them after his image. In the Holy Trinity, regardless of the spewing of Wayne Grudem and his complementarian theology, there is not a hierarchy of authority and submission, but a mutual love and unity. This is classical trinitarian theology. The church has always rejected subordination in the Trinity.
So also in marriage. Even in the passage above, where Paul is addressing redeemed men and women, he is not putting one in authority over the other. He is re-enforcing their humanity. Their bodies are their own, and in mutual authority and submission with one another. Practically speaking, this doesn’t work in an authority/submission scheme. The only way this works is through mutual love and unity – which is Paul’s point.
This is also the point of the whole of the Song of Songs. First the woman is the aggressor, then the man; The sexual relationship is instigated by the woman, and by the man in a holy, all-consuming, intimate joining of two bodies in perfect love and unity without a hint of any “roles” of subordination or authority. This pictures the relationship of Jesus and the church.
This is also Paul’s point in the entire book of Ephesians. We are one flesh with Jesus through the power of the Holy Spirit, pictured by the intercourse of a husband and wife “and they two shall become one flesh”. The sexual relationship is a mutual consenting agreement between two loving adults who give each other a holy Yes, just as the church gives Jesus a holy Yes, and Jesus responds in kind.
“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” the bride sings.
In the complementarian scheme, the wife cannot consent because she cannot say no. Her consent is unnecessary or “given when they got married”. She is simply the receptacle of his lust and his seed. She is merely a “penis home” in the revolting words of Mark Driscoll.
Because her personhood, her choice, and her voice are all but denied even in the “best” of complementarian churches, complementarianism is nothing less than an attack on the image of God in the woman. She is reduces to simply a body, rather than a fitting helper (ezer kenegdo).
It is the image of God in the daughters of Eve that made her the fitting helper. It is what separated her from the animals. She was like Adam in every way, except female.
When she is relegated to eternal subordination, her voice and her will are permanently silenced, which is what Satan seeks to do to God’s people.
The only sexual relationship she knows is assault, for since she cannot withdraw consent, she also cannot consent. Her voice doesn’t matter.
This is far more serious than we understand. The damage is immense. There are millions of women living in perpetual trauma because of this false teaching. The are commanded by unscrupulous church leaders to live in the same house as their rapist, and let him do whatever he wants.
This isn’t Christianity and it doesn’t represent Christ.
Husbands are to love their wives and Christ loved the church, and Jesus is not a rapist. Women were safe in his presence.
Husband, is your wife safe with you? Could she tell you if she wasn’t?
Look at it this way. If all social and religious stigma against divorce were removed, and she was independently wealthy, would she leave your sorry ass?
If the only reason she stays is because she would be destitute, or cast out of her church, or believed God would hate her – then you do not have a marriage. You have a hostage crisis.
Malachi 3:16 – If you hate her that much, let her go, says the Lord God of Israel. (Yes, that is the correct translation).
My Only Comfort 