As complementarians continue to make up reasons why they shouldn’t have to make their own sandwiches, it seems that every day something new comes along, each one more ridiculous than the last.
Kevin DeYoung, for example, writes that “I am responsible for my wife’s holiness.”
This isn’t new. I have heard it for years. It is based on Ephesians 5:26. The argument is this: Since the husband is called to imitate Christ’s love for his bride, and since Christ sanctifies his bride, the husband is called also to sanctify his wife. It has caused the infantilizing of women, countless abuses, violations of free volition, and tyranny, and has nothing to do with holiness.
To sanctify means to make holy. Or, as DeYoung writes, “I am responsible for my wife’s holiness.”
This is far more deadly than it first appears. There is much more at stake than simply dysfunctional marriages, as heinous as those are.
What is at stake is the gospel itself. It shows a complete misunderstanding of what sanctification actually is. For this reason, Christians really should study some of the basics of theology.
Israel was set apart by God as a holy nation. They were called to be holy, for Jehovah is holy. They failed, and served other gods.
In writing about the New Covenant, Jeremiah says,
31 “Behold, the days are coming, says the LORD, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah—32 not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in the day that I took them by the hand to lead them out of the land of Egypt, My covenant which they broke, though I was a husband to them, says the LORD. 33 But this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, says the LORD: I will put My law in their minds, and write it on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. 34 No more shall every man teach his neighbor, and every man his brother, saying, ‘Know the LORD,’ for they all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them, says the LORD. For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” Jer. 31:31–34.
More will be revealed as time progresses. But the idea is that God himself will make his bride holy, by separating them from the world in writing the law on their hearts instead of on tables of stone. They will be clean and holy, for they will be forgiven and cleansed.
Similarly, Ezekiel writes,
23 And I will sanctify My great name, which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in their midst; and the nations shall know that I am the LORD,” says the Lord GOD, “when I am hallowed in you before their eyes. 24 For I will take you from among the nations, gather you out of all countries, and bring you into your own land. 25 Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them. 28 Then you shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers; you shall be My people, and I will be your God. 29 I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. (Ezek 36:23–29).
Read those passages carefully for an understanding of what sanctification is. The law was given so that Israel might dwell in God’s presence and God might dwell with them. Being holy is being in God’s presence. But the wicked shall not stand there.
So they must be cleansed from their evil ways and given a new heart – a heart that loves instead of a heart that hates; a heart that doesn’t dream of following idols or chasing after the neighbor’s wife, or stealing the neighbor’s cattle, because it is a changed heart, a new heart and a new spirit.
And how does it come? NOT by the law, for that can never make anyone holy. Not because it is defective, but because WE are defective.
For if there had been a law given which could have given life, truly righteousness would have been by the law. 22 But the Scripture has confined all under sin, that the promise by faith in Jesus Christ might be given to those who believe. (Gal. 3:21–22).
Because the law could never save, Jesus became flesh and joined himself to his people. He kept the law for his people, and took their curse upon himself.
And when he ascended into heaven with the blood of his sacrifice, just like the ancient priests brought the blood into the holy of holies, he received the promise of his Father.
“Ask of me” he said, “And I will give you the heathen for your inheritance.”
In Peter’s sermon on Pentecost, he shows us how this promise was fulfilled in the pouring out of the Holy Spirit.
Just as God’s presence filled the temple in Solomon’s day, so also the Spirit fills his church because Jesus has conquered death and was obedient to the Father even in his crucifixion.
So Jesus pours out his spirit. He gives the new heart and the new flesh. He causes us to love by conforming us to his image. He sanctifies us as his Holy Temple by joining us to himself as the head, and we are the body.
And so we are sanctified, because we are in him.
“You are already clean,” he said, “Because of the word that I have spoken to you.”
Jesus has the words of eternal life. He speaks and accomplishes all of his good pleasure. He said, “Lazarus, come forth!” – and the dead were raised.
He sanctifies by his word and by his spirit.
All that a human being can do is lay down the law, and enforce outward conformity. And this is NEVER what the bible means by holiness. If the inside of the cup isn’t clean, what good does it to to polish the outside. But if the inside IS clean, the outside will take care of itself.
How can a husband clean the inside of anyone? He cannot even make himself holy!
So, Mr. DeYoung, tell me again how husbands can usurp this place of Jesus?
As soon as you can speak and draw the dead out of the graves…
As soon as you can take the curse of the law upon yourself…
As soon as you can breathe and fill your wife with the Holy Spirit…
As soon as you can call down tongues of fire on your wife’s head…(without setting her hair on fire)
As soon as you can make her a living stone in the temple of the living God…
Then I will concede that you are responsible for your wife’s holiness.
Until that day, though, I will love my wife, pray with and for her, talk with her, listen to her, praise our Savior together, and walk through this valley of tears together, holding her hand and making our journey together a little more bearable, just as she does with mine.
But I’ll never pretend to be the Holy Spirit, nor will I usurp the place of the Groom in my home. He is perfectly capable of sanctifying my wife and doesn’t need a neo-pope to do it. I’ll point her to Jesus just as she points me to Jesus. And we will do this together.
I’ll be her companion and her lover and her friend. But I will never be her Redeemer and Savior.
My Only Comfort 
So thoughtful. I think a better way for these men to describe their relationship to their wives spiritual growth is to be great examples of gentle loving friendship, to lead in repentance, to cultivate the environment of the home of emotional safety, to initiate difficult conversations when there is a need for hard discussions and to NOT be a stumbling block with bent or twisted “gender role’ applications of Scripture. It sounds more like a business deal than a loving one flesh union. And really they should be the ultimate in doing for their wives what we all do for each other in the Body of Christ.
Could you please provide the source where Kevin DeYoung said this (i.e. blog, book, interview)? I am a long-time reader and respecter of your blog posts, Sam, but also respect DeYoung’s writings. I find it hard to believe he would say those exact words, which I agree are biblically inaccurate, at best.
“Men and Women in the Church”
The quote is also consistent with his view of holiness
Thank you for the source. I looked it up and his exact wording was, “I have a responsibility for my wife’s holiness.” This may be nitpicking, but his words do not match what you’ve written in this post. “I am responsible” is quite different from “I have a responsibility.” Husbands do have a responsibility, yet are not fully responsible. In the spirit of understanding context and intention in words, his statement cannot be counted as unscriptural.
Thank you for the comment. I appreciate accuracy. If DeYoung meant something else, he certainly has not communicated that to his male followers. They all believe that it is their job to sanctify their wives.
For this reason, there are even today long discussions on Twitter on the best way to monitor your wife’s reading. Since you are responsible for her holiness, and all.
I knew a family that left my congregation after four weeks. He found out that my wife reads whatever she wants at the library and I don’t vet them first.
We tend to whitewash things that these celebrities say, but the harm is very real.
I also don’t believe that I have a responsibility for my wife’s holiness, nor is that what Paul is teaching in Eph. 5.
Thanks for the comment
I couldn’t agree with you more that this is a severely abused doctrine. I also appreciate your willingness to shed light on the distortion and how it ruins God’s true heart in the roles He laid out for marriages.
Thanks for sharing. It made me feel more at ease. You know, as a couple, we can also inspire each other to grow spiritually. It’s like the saying goes, “Iron sharpens iron!” Let’s encourage and challenge each other to strengthen our faith and our connection with God.
Let’s continue to pray for each other and trust that God can do amazing things in our lives. His love and grace are beyond our understanding, and He can touch the hearts of those we love in ways we can’t even imagine.
“This is far more deadly than it first appears. There is much more at stake than simply dysfunctional marriages, as heinous as those are.
What is at stake is the gospel itself. It shows a complete misunderstanding of what sanctification actually is. For this reason, Christians really should study some of the basics of theology.
How can a husband clean the inside of anyone? He cannot even make himself holy!
But I’ll never pretend to be the Holy Spirit, nor will I usurp the place of the Groom in my home. He is perfectly capable of sanctifying my wife and doesn’t need a neo-pope to do it. I’ll point her to Jesus just as she points me to Jesus. And we will do this together.
I’ll be her companion and her lover and her friend. But I will never be her Redeemer and Savior.”
Took me forever to read this, but I just loved these lines! Sam does a WONDERFUL job of reminding and pointing us to the incredible profound, precious, potent freedom for which He died to give us. There is nothing it can be compared to, and there is no one except Him that can give it us. Anyone who tries to take even an iota of that away from us is not to be trusted, and obviously does not understand the what lays at the beating heart of the Gospel itself.
Sam also warns us of the evils and ugliness of idolatry. As intoxicating as it is to for husbands to be told to act like and treated as if they are “neo-popes,” encouraged to be “drunk” with power, idolatry sucks the life out of His people, and replaces it with the death that again, Christ paid a dear price to rescue us from!
Keep setting the fabulous example that you do, please! Husbands NEED the encouragement that you offer, as well as the support to keep looking to our mutual Savior for sanctification. It is certainly not to be found in anyone else but Him.
“This is far more deadly than it first appears. There is much more at stake than simply dysfunctional marriages, as heinous as those are.
What is at stake is the gospel itself. It shows a complete misunderstanding of what sanctification actually is. For this reason, Christians really should study some of the basics of theology.
How can a husband clean the inside of anyone? He cannot even make himself holy!
But I’ll never pretend to be the Holy Spirit, nor will I usurp the place of the Groom in my home. He is perfectly capable of sanctifying my wife and doesn’t need a neo-pope to do it. I’ll point her to Jesus just as she points me to Jesus. And we will do this together.
I’ll be her companion and her lover and her friend. But I will never be her Redeemer and Savior.”
Took me forever to read this, but I just loved these lines! Sam does a WONDERFUL job of reminding and pointing us to the incredible profound, precious, potent freedom for which He died to give us. There is nothing it can be compared to, and there is no one except Him that can give it us. Anyone who tries to take even an iota of that away from us is not to be trusted, and obviously does not understand the what lays at the beating heart of the Gospel itself.
Sam also warns us of the evils and ugliness of idolatry. As intoxicating as it is to for husbands to be told to act like and treated as if they are “neo-popes,” encouraged to be “drunk” with power, idolatry sucks the life out of His people, and replaces it with the death that again, Christ paid a dear price to rescue us from!
Keep setting the fabulous example that you do, please! Husbands NEED the encouragement that you offer, as well as the support to keep looking to our mutual Savior for sanctification. It is certainly not to be found in anyone else but Him.