Complementarianism and Abuse

In which I come out as fully egalitarian and plead with you. In which I make the case that abuse and complementarianism necessarily go hand in hand. And a plea to men to finally begin to listen to their wives.

I used to consider myself in the complementarian camp. I even attempted to make an argument that women cannot serve as pastors or elders in a church – which I regret. I am now fully egalitarian.

The main reason that I am fully egalitarian is that I do not find any of the scriptures used by complementarianism to subjugate women to be compelling. (If you take this as permission to mansplain to me why I am wrong, save your writing. I’ve heard all the arguments and the exegesis is poor, the hermeneutic is poorer and the scholarship is poorer still.)

Quite simply, the gospel makes no distinction between male and female – neither ontologically, as image-bearers of God, nor in “role”. But that isn’t why I’m posting this.

I’m posting this for the SECOND reason why I am fully egalitarian. Jesus said that you will know false teaching by the fruit. And the fruit of complementarianism is ugly and rotten to the core. A simple glance at the response of the complementarianism to Bishop Budde, or simply listening to what our sisters have endured in complementarian churches is enough to demonstrate the stench of the rotten fruit.

Abuse, degradation, silencing, ridicule, threats, bullying, excommunications and other forms of spiritual and physical abuse have been thoroughly documented in complementarian churches for those who wish to see it.

At this point, I know that there are many of you who will say, “not my church” – and if that is actually the case, I am thankful.

But there is a deeper problem. Before I get there, I want to define complementarianism:

Complementarianism and egalitarianism are theological views on the relationship between men and women, especially in marriage and in ministry. Complementarianism stresses that although men and women are equal in personhood, they are created for different roles. Egalitarianism also agrees that men and women are equal in personhood but holds that there are no gender-based limitations on the roles of men and women (Christianity.com)

If you are complementarian, you need to define what those “roles” are, and that is where it gets sticky. One role is “silence in church.” Complementarians believe that women are forbidden by God to teach or govern in the church.

And then they need to justify that belief. I know, I used to be there myself. Some soft complementarians, like I was, believe that women and men are equally gifted, equally human, but for reasons inscrutable, God has forbidden women from holding office. But, if they are like me, they cannot hold that position for long because it is troublesome. I can only say, “ummm – for reasons…” for so long before I have to abandon that position.

Others come up with reasons for positing different roles using poor exegesis and analytical skills. They say,

“Women are more emotional than men”

“Women are called to stay home and submit to their husbands”

“Women simply cause trouble and if you give them power, they want to take over everything”

“Someone has to be in charge, and God gave that position to men”

“Because men are rational, masculine, god-like, non-emotional – and…reasons”

These are all the arguments I heard growing up. I never accepted any of them. It just took me years to realize that my rejection of those arguments were really a rejection of complementarianism.

So this is my “coming out” if you will.

I ask all of your forgiveness for my previous statements that women cannot hold office in the church. There is nothing either in the scripture or in the confessions of the church that mandate such a position.

But why is it that holding a complementarian position is not only unbiblical, but dangerous to women? Why is the almost universal climate in complementarian churches an unsafe climate for women?

And here is the answer: When a man abuses, degrades, or assaults a woman, he never does it in front of witnesses.

And complementarianism teaches that women are unreliable, untrustworthy and too emotional to witness the truth – at least not to the extent that a MAN can.

Any argument that one uses to keep women out of the pulpit ALSO keeps them out of the discussion as reliable witnesses.

Bishop Budde was rejected, ridiculed and shut down by Denny Burk simply BECAUSE she is a woman, NOT because she was wrong, and this is important for us men to understand.

When a woman seeks to complain that a sermon made her uncomfortable, that she feels unsafe at church, that something about the pastor is off – complementarian husbands generally will listen – if they love their wives – but deep inside there is a place where they will discount her experience because she is emotional, irrational, of just didn’t hear it right. Just as Burk and so many others shut down the Bishop – she is wrong because she is a woman, and women cannot teach men – so also even good men in a complementarian environment tend to shut down their wives. If they listen, then they have been taught by a woman. And everything that they hear in church is that it is WRONG for a woman to teach a man, especially her husband.

My wife went to the hardware store to buy a water heater this week. She did the research and asked the man at the store if he could explain the difference between the 45000 BTU and the 30000 BTU heater. He gaped at her. Patted the machine and said, “This is a WATER HEATER” in his best mansplaining voice.

Expected in a hardware store. An absolute crisis when it happens in the church.

Barak was only given one choice. Listen to the woman or die.

Josiah only had one choice. Listen to Huldah or die.

The wise woman who threw Sheba’s head over the wall saved the city – Joab listened to her.

Abraham was commanded to listen to his wife.

Lydia brought the gospel to Philippi.

The women brought the good news of the gospel to the men.

And we wouldn’t know anything about the virgin birth if we do not hear Mary’s voice.

We wouldn’t have Romans if Phoebe wasn’t a brave, capable godly woman.

Because when it comes down to it, whether the voice is male or female doesn’t matter. Is it true? is the only question that matters.

Brothers, your sisters have been telling you for decades that they are not safe in complementarian churches.

They are telling you that they are not safe in complementarian circles.

They are not safe in the current political climate.

We haven’t listened, and we are being overrun by the chariots of Sisera. Baal worship is filling the temple of God and we have erected our orange idol in the Holy of Holies, because he promised us power.

The state of the evangelical church is dismal. It is buried under the bones of our sisters, as was every temple of Baal.

The victims are clawing at the threshold, dying at our doorsteps but our religion forbids us to hear them, to rescue them, to even listen to them. We would rather die and rot than be “taught by a woman”.

That is the fatal flaw in complementarianism. In order to protect ourselves from the imaginary witch of feminism, we have thrown Jesus outside the church and made it a safe place for the worst sort of scum and villainy. In order to make ourselves “safe” from the opinions and thoughts of women, we threw them out of the Holy Place and into the kitchen and when they tried to be heard over our self-congratulations, we called them “Jezebels” and cast them out completely.

And now the sheep are gone, and only the wolves remain.

The church has become a den of thieves, a safe-haven for criminals.

We were warned. And the women who warned us over and over again were cast out.

So forgive me if you say, “Not all complementarian churches”. If you WERE a danger to women, how would you know when you won’t allow them to speak except to a room full of abusive men who have already decided that women are too emotional, too deceived and too irrational to be believed?

For you men out there who truly love your wives and daughters, please ask them that question and be open to their responses:

When was the first time that they were sexualized at church?

When was the first time they didn’t feel safe in Sunday school?

When was the first time they were dismissed and silenced?

When was the first time they felt as if a man was shunning them as if they were unclean?

And ask them this question – if they were assaulted by a leader in your church, would she go to the pastor or to the other elders for help?

And please listen to her.

If she is not safe at church, it doesn’t matter how “orthodox” they are. You will know them by their fruit.