Mercy and Goodness are relentless

I was on the verge of a thought the other day…

Last September, as many of you know, I was very close to death. Against all the odds and all the science, I survived it.

I didn’t have any epiphanies. I had some strange visions and some bad dreams, that were most likely my body trying to process the trauma that I went through.

But I didn’t have any “I have a newfound lease on life!!” moments. I was happy to get hope. I’m happy that I’m pretty healthy. I’m happy that I don’t have any lasting damage to my heart.

But those really weren’t any epiphanies. I mostly wanted to get back to work because I thought they might be missing me (turns out they weren’t…but that’s another story).

But no “life is fragile, grab every moment” moments. I’ve never been a seize the day kind of guy. I just kind of try to get through without the day noticing me very much.

And that didn’t really change in September.

Another thing that didn’t change was the driving thought that I’m supposed to be doing something grand. That somehow God expects me to be doing something but I’m not sure what that is.

My STEMI just made that worse. “God spared my life. What am I supposed to be doing with it?”

I asked my pastor about it, and he said, “What about just accepting it as a gift?”

I thought about that. And I still think about it.

Maybe I don’t have to earn it. Maybe God isn’t expecting me to do anything to pay him back. Maybe he doesn’t have a “I’ve done so much for you. What have you done for me lately” thoughts like so many preachers thinks he has.

Maybe he just wants me to breathe the spring air. And swirl the scotch around my tongue.

Maybe he wants me to really enjoy the smell of lavender, or the petichor after a warm rain.

Maybe just go for a walk or buy some blueberries.

Or eat an ice cream cone and stop feeling guilty about it.

Maybe he just wants me to kiss my wife and hug my kids and send my grandkids silly postcards and remind them how much they are loved.

And maybe he wants me to want those same things for my neighbor.

Where he also can go for a walk without fear. Or kiss his loved ones without worrying what the neighbors think.

Or have a full belly when they put their kids down.

Maybe we should want them to not have to be afraid of getting medical care because they might be terrorized by the government or lose their homes because they can’t pay.

How wonderful would it be if everyone could just “sit under their own vine and own fig tree”, knowing that it wasn’t because they magically lifted themselves up by their bootstraps (which is impossible) but because a good God loves them and provides for them.

And maybe God wants me to want my neighbor to thrive and blossom and smell the lavender without fear, or hug their kids without wondering when they’ll be taken away.

Maybe God just wants us to stop. Stop the fighting and the wars and the bombs and the meddling and the moral busyness.

And just smile. Wave at our neighbors. Invite them to sit on the porch for a bit and have some tea. And just, for the love of God, quit fussing over how they dress, how they look or where they come from.

I digressed. Sorry.

My thought that I was on the verge of having was this one.

I’m so tired of trying to prove that I’m worthy of love or deserving of life. And maybe God doesn’t expect me to.

Maybe I just need to accept his love and my life as a gift that he isn’t expecting any payment for…

It flits around my head looking for a place to land…but it has a hard time finding a roost. So it flits away, and for a while I go back trying to earn the gift.

But idea flits in again. Mercy and goodness are stubborn and they pursue relentlessly.

I wish I could truly learn how to just stop running.