Category Archives: rest

What if I’m not wanted?

We all have those things that we carry around with us. One of my fears is to be kicked out, unwanted, excluded.

I say awkward things. I act weird. I am pretty sure that I smell strange.

I take several showers a day because I am afraid that I might be dirty.

I have never been to a party or a gathering where I didn’t spend hours afterwards wondering if I said something weird.

For this reason, I can’t imagine enjoying myself at anything, really. It’s too much work.

I would far rather be serving the table than to be served at a table.

The fear of being thrown out is so intense and pervasive that it colors everything.

I am afraid that I just take up space that I don’t belong in.

I am afraid that everyone would rather I didn’t come.

I’m afraid that they are just talking about me behind my back.

I’m afraid that my fears make me obnoxious.

I’m afraid that being afraid is really just being self-absorbed.

And then I’m afraid that being self-absorbed means that I don’t deserve to be at the table and that place really should just go somewhere else.

And by that time, my breathing increases, I start to sweat, I have to count my fingers and do my breathing exercises….

And it is far easier to just stay home. But then, it is lonely at home. So I force myself.

One of the examples of the kingdom of God is a banquet full of guests. “Blessed is the one who eats and drinks at the kingdom of God!”

I can’t imagine it. But at the same time I long for it.

Blessed is the one who rests in the bosom of the Almighty.

Rest in his arms? I can’t imagine it. My mind would go into overdrive. And yet, that I what I long for.

In other words, we aren’t going to be ready for the kingdom of God until God makes us ready for the kingdom of God. How can we take our impure, unclean selves into the presence of the pure and beautiful Lamb of God?

We all want to be back in Eden. We long to be in God’s arms again. We want to be known and loved and to know and to love.

And that terrifies us at the same time.

How can the marriage supper of the lamb be a joyful thing when we can’t stop our fears and anxieties and self-sabotage long enough to even have a drink with friends?

Come quickly, Lord Jesus. Deliver me from the body of this death!!

Make me ready, clothe me with your beautiful garments, hold me in your strong arms, protect me from myself, quiet my heart – let the peace of God rule my heart AND my mind.

Let me truly absorb that you took all of my fears and my ugliness and my filthiness upon yourself. Let me feel the waters of my baptism running down my body washing me clean. Anoint me with pure oil.

Fill me with your Breath. Breathe on me so I can breathe again.

Let me breathe with your breath of love. Shine in me so that I may receive your love and your beauty – that I might know grace and accept it.

For Father, I know this because you told me: You love me. You long for me to be in your presence. You want me there.

Lord Jesus, you came to take the curse away from me, putting death to death, and conquering the grave with its ugliness and fears.

And Holy Breath of God, Spirit of the Lord Jesus, fill me with your life that I might be one with the Lord Jesus, flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone. For then, I can truly rest.

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Filed under redemption, rest

Here I am

Therefore thus says the Lord God, “Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone, a tested stone, A costly cornerstone for the foundation, firmly placed. He who believes in it will not be disturbed.” (Isa. 28:16 NASB)

As I was studying this passage, I saw something I had never seen before. The speaker is the Lord God. But there is an odd anomaly in the quote. The subject and the verb don’t seem to match.

The first word in Hebrew is “hineni”. It means, roughly, “Behold I”. It is used when one is summoned to announce his presence. Abraham says it to the Lord when the Lord calls him. Samuel says it to Eli, when he thought that Eli called him. It is often translated “Here am I”.

God also uses it for his own activity to announce his own presence. “Here am I.” He announces when he is coming in judgment, when he is making a covenant, when he is working redemption and righteousness and judgment in the earth.

Isaiah emphasized the “hineni” with the next word, which is a verb. But the verb is in the third person, when you are expecting the first person. “He is establishing”. It doesn’t fit the “Behold, I.” The Hebrew says, “Behold I he is establishing a foundation in Zion.”

Most translations and most commenters assume that there is a mistake in the verb, and that it should be pointed as a participle, translated, “Behold, I am the one who is laying a foundation”. Not too bad, except that I don’t like “fixing” the vowels in the Bible. And I think we are missing some poetic beauty. The meaning is there, but the emphasis is missing.

After Ephraim has finally rejected the Lord completely, mocking the prophet and dismissing the promised rest, ridiculing the promise of a redeemer, God could have easily dismissed his people entirely. He is scattering Israel in judgment. The Assyrian army will come and will carry the northern tribes away. They have made a covenant with death and therefore they will suffer the consequences of that unbelief.

But God will not cast off his people forever. He will gather together his church in a way that no one could ever see. Israel, Judah and all the nations together have become corrupt, unprofitable, cast away. They have all become “not my people”.

But God will lay a cornerstone, a stone of testing. True Israel, our Lord Jesus. He who believes in him will not be disturbed, restless, fearful – fleeing from one abyss to another abyss. But they will learn to rest.

How do we know? for God has announced his presence. Hineni. Here I am.

You have rejected me. But here I am.

 

I would translate the verse like this:

Therefore thus says the Lord God, “Here I am.”
He is laying in Zion a stone, a stone of testing, a costly cornerstone, a foundation firmly placed. He who believes will not be hasty.

Isaiah 28:16

It is hard to capture in the English. But it is the announcement of God’s mercy in Christ. Here I am.

He has not left us with the covenant of death that we have willingly made, but has announced his presence. Here am I.

The covenant of death was broken because God took upon himself the flesh of Abraham in the womb of the virgin Mary. He paid that covenant and suffered the penalty of the broken covenant, that we might live. 

He didn’t wait for us to find him, for we weren’t even looking. “There is none that seeketh me.” He didn’t wait for us to overcome the curse ourselves. He didn’t come to find the righteous. He came to seek and save that which was lost.

The sheep have gone astray. they have been scattered. They have run from the shepherd. they have rebelled. And then he announces his presence. Here I am.

What we have in this verse is the promise of Emmanuel. God with us. There is where we find our rest. If we believe the promise, we can finally lay down our weapons and rest, even in the presence of our enemies.

Here am I. Such beauty in one little word!

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Filed under Gospel, peace, rest

Maybe just a little more…

It was an exhausting day.  It wasn’t a bad day.  Just exhausting.

I washed the dust, sweat and grime of the day down the shower drain, put on pajamas and sat back in my lazy boy recliner.  I opened Biblical Theology and read until I could not keep my eyes open any longer.  Contentedly, I headed off to bed.

I climbed into my Sleep-number adjustable bed and settled down for the night.  That’s when the trouble started.

First, I sighed a deep relaxing sigh.  “I am as comfortable as I could be,” I said, relaxing into a light doze.

Then I said, “Maybe not quite.  There might be a small wrinkle right around where my knee is.”  No big deal.  I could ignore it.

No.  It grew larger and larger in my mind.  I knew that I would not be able to go to sleep on top of that huge mess that is wreaking havoc on my leg.  So I leaned forward and adjusted the wrinkle.  “Ahhhhh.”

Now my covers were messed up.  I had to arrange them again.  They were pressing down too hard on my foot.  That might cause me some pain in the morning.  So I kicked, trying to make a pocket for my feet.

Ahhhh.

Is that a crumb?  I think that there is a crumb in my bed.  How can I sleep with a crumb in my bed.  Where is it?  Where did it go?

Why is my pillow flat now?  I removed the crumb.  I fluffed the pillow.  I settled back down.

Now I’m hot and starting to sweat again.  I throw the covers off.

Now I’m cold. Why can’t the temperature be perfect?  Why is the crumb back?

I remove the imaginary crumb, fluff again.  Pull the covers back up.

Now there’s a wrinkle under my leg.

I never have this problem when I am camping.  I know that there is no way I am actually going to get comfortable, so I just go to sleep.

Eventually, I fluff and worry and toss and turn and fuss myself to sleep.  Other nights, I give up and get up before I wake my wife.

But the other night something came to me:

Isn’t this the heart of covetousness?

No matter what good gifts God gives us, no matter what we have, we always say to ourselves, “Do you know what I need?  Just a little more.  Then I will be content.”

If only I had a bigger truck, a bigger car, a better house.  Look at my neighbor’s house.  He sure is lucky.  If I had that house, then I would be happy.

Look at his wife.  Man, how’d he score a woman like that?  If I had his wife, then I’d be happy.  I wish my kids were like that guys kids.

This food doesn’t taste quite as good as it should.  This chair isn’t quite as comfortable as it could be. If I had one more gadget, a little more money, a little better friends.

If my preacher was a little more interesting, if my church was a little bit more attentive to my needs.

Then for sure I would be content.

This is the first thing Satan said to man,”Yea, hath God said you shall not eat of every tree of the garden?”

Is there really something that God didn’t let you have??  The nerve!

And so our sinful hearts are again revealed.  Covetous is the plaguing thought that you are not really getting everything that you are owed, that something is being held from you – something that you deserve. God owes you.  He really isn’t good.  He’s stingy and holding out on you.  Look at your neighbor; what’s he got that I don’t got?

Then we read what Paul writes.

11Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am,therewith to be content. 12I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.  (Phil. 4:11-13).

It would help us to remember that Paul was in prison in Rome when he wrote this.  He learned to be content in every situation.  He understood that the problem was not in the goodness of God.  God’s goodness is infinite.  He is our almighty Father, able to give us all things necessary for body and soul, and willing also, being a faithful Father.

The problem is our sinful heart.  Covetousness makes us restless.  Discontent drives our grumbling and murmuring.  And the heart of it is idolatry.  We worship and serve the creature, rather than the creator.  We look to things for our comfort, placing our trust in money, gadgets, friends, things, and wrinkle free sheets.

Notice also that Paul says he has learned contentment with nothing as well as contentment with abundance.  Contentment with abundance is frequently the harder of the two.  When you have nothing, you have very low expectations from your possessions.  But when you abound, it is very simple to turn those possessions into idols, and seek from them that which they can never provide.

Augustine prayed, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee.”

My wife says, “Why don’t you just go to sleep, you weirdo.”

And I am again reminded that this earth is not our home.  We are commanded to set our affections on things above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God.

As long as our minds are on this earth, there is always one more wrinkle, one more crumb, one more aching joint.  We can really get ourselves into a dither over nothing.

I know that there are many with problems far greater than a wrinkled sheet.  I have my own things over which I could fret, some huge, some smaller.  When it comes to the great big things: betrayal, slander, abuse, chronic illness, death, and so on, we immediately look to Jesus, saying to us, “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”

But we often don’t think of that when we get ourselves into a dither over wrinkled sheets.  But the wrinkled sheets expose our restless hearts every bit as much as the big things.  The things of the earth can never be your only comfort in life and in death.  They will never be a solid ground on which to place your trust.  But they can make you exhausted and restless, until you finally cry out to the Lord to cleanse you from your covetousness and teach you contentment.  This is what Paul means when he says that he can do all things through Christ who strengthens him.

 

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Filed under peace, rest, Uncategorized