Tag Archives: Jesus

The white light and a STEMI

I finally pieced together what happened to me.
My office is secure, so I was in there alone and the door was locked. I had just picked up a sandwich from Jimmy Johns and it was on my desk. I hadn’t even opened it.

I remember an immense pain in my chest and an inability to get off the floor. I remember dreaming that I was home in bed with my wife, and then I woke up again. I couldn’t get my breath. The pain was unimaginable. I couldn’t get up, so I started kicking my door from the floor. A co-worker heard me. I passed out again.

When I came to again, the school nursing staff was there with me and the ambulance was on the way. At this point I was in and out of it. I remember unlocking my phone so the nurse could call Susan.

Susan met us at the ER in Faribault. I was in and out, but I woke up for a second and told her that she could have my sandwich. I didn’t get around to it.

They needed to get me to Abbot Northwestern – which is one of the top four heart hospitals in the country. But the storm coming in was too dangerous for the helicopters. So they loaded me into another ambulance. I remember the drivers being very kind but somewhere along the way, I lost consciousness and didn’t regain it again for over 24 hours. I woke with a tube in my throat, and Susan telling me I was going to be OK.

Very soon after that, my pastor came in and read Psalm 27 and prayed with me.

Much later, I found out what had happened. I had a STEMI, (Acute ST elevation myocardial infarction of the inferior wall) which is nicknamed the widow-maker because of the horrible mortality rate. This kind doesn’t sneak up and take you from behind, It is a full assault. When I was 8, my grandpa died of this kind of heart attack. He was only 55.

The doctor told me that often the first symptom is death.

While I was under, I was told that I flat-lined and had to be put on life support. I was on two machines – an ecmo and an impella for something less than 24 hours keeping me alive and the blood oxygenated and flowing. At this point, the doctor told Susan to be prepared for palliative care.

Technically, it is called cardiogenic shock. When they heart goes into cardiogenic shock because of a STEMI, the mortality rate is around 80 percent.

But God had other plans. Because there were so many hundreds of you praying, my heart was ready to go on its own. Yes, I believe that God used the skill of the surgeons and the EMTs and the nursing staff and so many other things to spare my life. God wasn’t ready for me to go yet. The surgeon was pretty astounded and took me off the machines.

I have no memory of any of that.

I have had questions about what I saw. The simple answer is nothing. I have no memories of that whole time.

After I woke, I had hallucinations behind by eyelids whenever I closed my eyes, but for the most part they were ugly and hateful.

I had one horribly ugly nightmare, so bad I talked to several doctors about it. The psychiatrist admits there is mystery, but told me it is most likely the mind trying to formulate and make sense of what the body has been through. That sounds good to me.

As for my view of the afterlife, yes, I believe that when I die I will see Jesus and be with him. But I don’t get my faith from dreams and visions, but from faith in his promises.

My dreams and visions during that time were mostly ugly and frightening.
My moments of calm and peace were from holding my wife’s hand; listening to my pastor read and pray, reading the notes from all of you

I will have some PTSD to work through. I’ll have some PT to do and heart rehab to do.

For those who believe they saw something of the afterlife having the same experience, I don’t judge. People are different. I can only say what my experience was.

I don’t find peace and joy through dreams, but through sitting with the ones who love me and whom I love, reminding each other of God’s promises and resting in our Savior, who promised to never let go of our hands, even in the valley of the shadow of death.

I don’t know what happened to my sandwich. Susan tells me I might have to eventually let it go.

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When it bursts, then what?

I have to admit something. I struggle, as you have probably guessed. The Angry Orange Lunatic and his sycophants have cost me tremendously over the years in real life. And he hasn’t cost me near as much as he has cost our brown brothers and sisters, our trans friends, our gay friends – those who live in fear every day.

I watch men dragged away from their wives in tears. I hear the unfounded accusations, the blatant lies and false witness. I weep with all of the young women who have been raped by white men in power without any recourse, crying out for justice on this earth and seeing none.

I see beautiful cities run over by humvees and SS troops dragging homeless men and women out to die.

And worst of all, I see the evangelical and Reformed churches cheering and celebrating cruelty, lies, assault, groping, concentration camps…

And honestly, I struggle with hatred. I pray for the destruction of the enemies of humanity.

And it bothers me, because I really don’t want to become like them. I want beauty and harmony and peace. I want love and gentleness and safety – not just for me, but for all of God’s creatures.

Even the mouse that I told you about yesterday broke my heart and I couldn’t put out another glue strip since.

And I think of humans in God’s image locked in cages, fed almost nothing, no privacy, no dignity, no safety – and I see former friends and family that cheer on this administration, not in spite of the atrocities, but BECAUSE of the atrocities.

See. My blood starts to boil again. What do I do? I don’t want to live with rage. But I don’t want what is happening in the country to keep happening.

But what is even worse is this – it isn’t one man. It isn’t one group of men. It is the whole history of this country that this country is trying so desperately to whitewash.
It is the millions of Africans that we enslaved without hope, picking cotton year after year, generation after generation, without any agency, free will, value, dignity – and still lifting their heads up through it all and crying out for freedom. The image of God in them still bursting through the hell that the white church put them through.

It is millions of natives slaughtered, lands stolen, massacred – men, women and children. All of them living through trauma I will never know.

It millions of Latinos and Latinas fleeing death sentences working hunched over melon fields and lettuce fields to scrape a living, and now fleeing for their lives, hated and pursued like animals.

And it is knowing that I will be crucified online for being “woke” for saying it.

Fred Rogers was too soft for the adults in my childhood. They hated him, Bob Ross and men like him for being weak, and called out for “men to rise up and lead!!” The fruits of the spirit were never seen. Only strength, domination, control. Anything else was giving in to the hippies.

Orange Taco isn’t an anomaly. He’s the pustulous cancer that the rot of white supremacy pushed to a head. The pus started about the time of the first slave ship was brought over by the puritan and congregational landowners who couldn’t be assed to pick their own damn cotton. That pus has grown and grown, and now he’s about to burst, and then what? His followers will crawl into obscurity like every single other one of his sycophants, dressing like a chicken and singing for a few bucks like Rudy Giuliani. Selling one’s soul is never cheap, but there are still takers.
And when that pustule has burst, then what?

Will we see national repentance? Will we finally admit that people with melanin, and non-hetero or non-cis people, or people from other nations or other genders or other histories or other cultures or other religions are human beings in God’s image, loved as his creatures, redeemed as his creation and worthy of dignity, honor, freedom and love as much as we are?

Will we finally embrace the catholicity of God? Beyond race, beyond color, beyond culture, the creator and sustainer of all life, not just white males?

Or will we continue to shrivel up into ourselves like C S Lewis’s dwarves – “The Dwarves are for the Dwarves!” – refusing redemption, refusing beauty, refusing love and holding our damnable pride. Mowing over roses of hope and joy to erect concrete structures to beat the wicked heads against? Softness and beauty and subtlety gives way to power, and the rot that is left continues to destroy the soul.

I can’t make that choice for you. I know what I will do. I will take the rose that God gives as his gift to men. I will take beauty and gentleness. I will take courage and color and truth – and I will humbly leave God to judge the world, for he knows far better than I do how to go about it without destroying it.

I will try to deal with my anger the best I know how, and long for a better day when love prevails and I no longer have to watch such gleeful cruelty on my screen every day.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus. How we need you.

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They believe the women,

They just don’t care.

I saw a poll yesterday that said 47 percent of republicans would not change their support of Trump even if his name IS in the Epstein files.

It confirmed what I suspected in the evangelical church for years. It isn’t that they don’t believe women. It’s that they don’t care.

Once we understand that, our approach changes. Instead of trying to convince them that the women are telling the truth, we need to understand that they are not Christian and don’t have an ethical system that has any point of connection with us.

Any ethical system built upon hate is at the root no different than Nazi Germany. They don’t care who their leaders destroy, as long as they hate the same people.

For all of those who are still trying to convince your Right Wing church that you were sexually assaulted, abused, raped or hurt in any other way, or that you have a right to divorce, I hope you will find peace in knowing that the proof won’t matter. It isn’t you.

They just don’t care.

It is like trying to convince a Baal-worshiper not to offer their firstborn child to the Iron Furnace of Molech.

Once you know that, you can do what you need to do to survive and heal and not give a fig what they think. They’ve lost the right to have an opinion about your divorce, your therapist, your choice to have children, your lifestyle, your dress or especially your relationship with Jesus.

To put it very practically in my life, they’ve lost the right to have an opinion about where I go to church, how I handled my “trial”, what I do for a living, what I believe about love and freedom, or what I do with my family.

Once you say that raping a child isn’t a deal-breaker, there is nothing that you have of value to say to me.

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Why I changed my mind…

This could also be called “more ammunition for my enemies to use against me…” if I cared, that is.

Interesting thing. When they have taken away everything that you thought you couldn’t live without, and you survived and are thriving, you no longer really care about their threats. Plus, I make liberal use of the block key, which is wonderful.

I changed my mind on the LGBTQ community. Most of you probably suspected that I was leaning that way. And, no, it isn’t because I suddenly abandoned the scripture. It is actually my love of God’s word that has led me to be gay affirming.

First, I don’t think that the handful of scripture used to condemn same sex attraction are about that at all. I changed my mind on that one. As I look at those passages, they are about abuse, degradation and idolatry.

Second, I also affirm that God created one man and one woman and brought them together. Before the fall. After the fall, everything got twisted around and men and women fled from God and tried to find their way home without him..

But the only hope of salvation is that God came looking for us. In fact, the heart of the gospel is that Jesus came to seek and to save that which was lost. You, me, the whole world.

And salvation never came through the law. All that the law can do is bring death. When you say, “Stop that behavior”, all that you are doing is increasing shame. And shame triggers hiding (what we call trauma response), and you cannot grow in love and peace and joy when you are hiding in terror from the face of God.

Nothing new here. I’ve been preaching that forever.

But the religious right is far more interested in the law. For some reason, they think that shouting at gay people will bring about peace on earth…

But I digress.

The only thing that will change a heart is love. Love without “yes, but I also find you repugnant.”

Or “Yes, but I’m going to need you to change”.

Or, “Yes, I love you, but hate your sin.”

You see, all of those responses are shame-based. Which bring guilt, fear, hiding and (you guessed it,) trauma.

Only when the brain is completely safe can it change and grow. But if you tell the brain to change and grow, it backfires, and you don’t get what you think you will get.

Paul calls that the “works of the flesh” and then he describes a whole list of things that we use to try to hide our shame from ourselves and from the world.

He could be describing the behavior of the religious right there.

So how can the brain grow and learn and bring the fruits of love?

Only by being implanted into Christ and his love, which absolutely MUST be free, unconditional, and without reproach, or it backfires.

And the love of Christ never, ever backfires.

Here’s what got me thinking:

I know personally, and I have heard the stories of others, many many times, of teenagers begging God to take away their gayness.

Every day new stories come. They have been told that they are going to hell. They know that their parents will abandon them if they “come out”.

And they are on their knees night after night begging God to take their gay away.

That leaves me with a problem theologically.

Either God doesn’t hear prayer.

OR God doesn’t hear prayer unless we muster up enough will-power to change our hearts.

OR God turns his back on people who truly and desperately are begging for help.

All of these scenarios are repugnant to me, not because I am suddenly “liberal”, but because I read the gospels.

Imagine a young man pursuing Jesus night after night. He finally gets up the courage to say, “Please, Jesus – take away my sin”

Or “make me clean”

Or “Love me, Lord. Please welcome me and help me.”

And Jesus saying, “Nah. I’m not going to help you. I hate your sin too much. But if you fix yourself up enough and save yourself, then I might not throw you into hell.”

This is not the Jesus who bore my sin and shame on the cross.

Does Jesus have the power to change “gayness”. He certainly does, if he desires.

Does Jesus ever send anyone away who comes to him for mercy? Never. “Whosoever comes to me, I will never, ever cast out.”

Do gay men and women beg Jesus for help? They do.

The only conclusion that I can come to is that Jesus doesn’t think about them the same way that the religious right thinks about them.

And that is why I changed my mind. Because I am really tired of young men and women killing themselves because all they have known is hatred for something they can do nothing about.

And now, the self-righteous among my readership are saying, “They CAN do something about it. They can choose not to act on it!”

So now Christianity is salvation by law?

Did you forget what the Bible says, “If righteousness comes by the law, then Christ died in vain.”?

If any of us could “choose not to act on it” or “choose to be better people” or “just stop…”

Then Christ came in vain.

But if Christ did not come in vain, but came in power, then he is powerful enough to have mercy to all who call upon him. And he will.

And he will change us into his glorious likeness.

But he will do it in such a way that we don’t lose the beautiful color, beautiful personhood, beautiful diversity of our wonderful, rainbow-filled humanity.

What does that look like? I have no idea. I live now in a world of death and misery. But how I long for that day.

Until then, I will let the Holy Spirit work on my AND work on my brothers and sisters and whatever other gender of those who walk this earth with me, all searching for their way home.

And you will now say, “Jesus loves us as we are, but he doesn’t leave us as we are.”

That is true. And yet when will we be like him? When will we be free of this body of death? What does that even look like?

Is it possible to rest in that love of Jesus if you are convinced that he hates you because you are still unclean in his eyes? How can you come to the Father’s embrace if you are sure that he will hate and reject you the minute you do?

No. It is the love that changes us in HIS time to be like HIM. Pure and holy, clean and beautiful in all of our glorious color and breadth of our beauty!

Through that love, which Jesus has promised he will never take away, we are safe. Safe in his arms, safe from rejection and death. Safe from being cast away forever.

And when we have psychological safety, the self is free to love and to grow and to change. And I will let the Holy Spirit decide what that looks like.

I promise you, though, that it won’t look like the abusive, power-hungry man that fills most of the pulpits of the religious right.

I will always reject covenant breakers, abusers, the unjust, the arrogant, the proud – those who cast the stones and then go home to hit their wives and abuse their slaves. Those who make and believe a lie. Those who trample the poor for new shoes and rob the houses of the widows. Those who make millions endorsing bibles and those who enrich themselves off the death of the poor.

That is a far different thing.

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Profit and loss

Last summer I was walking through a grocery store and overheard two elderly gentlemen in a discussion. They were talking about the felony convictions of 47. They didn’t doubt he was a criminal felon. They talked about his rapes and they didn’t doubt them. They talked about his narcissism and psychotic tendencies.

And then I overheard one of them saying something I won’t forget.

“Well,” he said, “I’ll probably still vote for him. In the end I reckon he’ll put more money in my pocket than the other guy.”

That made me sad, and I thought about it.

The argument resonated with me because I was born and raised in those circles, so I’ve heard it before.

Cut taxes. Lower prices. Leave more money for all of us.

We were eventually tricked into thinking that this was the whole of the human experience.

I’m all for cutting waste and spending money wisely, but I think we need to remember what Jesus said over and over again.

What shall it profit a man if he gain the whole world and lose his soul?

I don’t think he was thinking about Grecian metaphysics, with a dichotomy between spirit and body. That was a bit of a foreign concept to Jewish thinking.

Soul meant something more profound. It could be translated “life”, or “breath”. Jesus could have been talking about death. What will it profit a man to gain everything this world has to offer and then die.

And that is true. Solomon had the same insights in Ecclesiastes.

But I don’t think that even that exhausts what Jesus is talking about. Because to the mind of a first century Jew, psyche meant something even more than that. It means everything that makes a human a human. It means the self, the part of humanity that was created to reflect God.

Living through these days, I think I am starting to get a glimmer.

If your whole life is consumed by profit, and the whole of your morality is who will leave the most money in your pocket, soon you will lose your very soul.

The music and the dancing. The part that plays with the cat.

The song and the poetry. The art and the novel.

Empathy for the outcast. Love for the neighbor. joy in colors and art and expression.

The glint of a rainbow on the tear of a shepherd, the rapturous joy in the final moments of Beethoven’s fifth symphony.

The chills of the entrance of the trombone in Prokofieff’s third piano concerto; the astounding skill of Caravaggio and the brilliance of Poe.

The perfect pairing of wine with each course of dinner. The beauty and joy of the embrace of love.

The first kiss. The first time someone spoke to you with respect. Your first time making love. Your first embrace.

The first time you found someone and realized that you were wanted and loved.

Standing in the middle of a lonely highway in Wyoming singing Mahler at the top of your lungs after one too many…(not that I have EVER done this).

Growing your hair long, or cutting it short. Wearing an earring, getting a tattoo.

Or having a conversation and sharing a glimpse of your soul in safety, without fear. It took me too long to realize the joy of that. I longed for that and never knew it.

And we forget beauty and freedom and love and joy – because we are afraid.

Egg prices get high. Gas gets high. Somebody is different than I am and wants to come to my church.

And all of the sudden you are afraid that you won’t be good enough or pure enough or strict enough to earn God’s favor because you did something wrong somewhere, or you accepted and loved a sinner, or were friends with a sinner on social media, so now God is going to remove his blessing.

And somewhere along the line, you forgot – Your blessings, your “money in the pocket” doesn’t come from a politician or from making the right choices, or from working hard or running faster or having stronger will power…

It comes from the uncontrollable, unlimited, incredible love and goodness of God.

As my pastor said this morning, “It’s God’s party, and he can invite who he wants.”

And that blows the mind.

Because the love of God is free. His love and blessing for you aren’t dependent on how well you perform. He delights in you and delights in your personality and your dancing and singing. He created you to laugh and sing, even though there are times when we weep and mourn – the laughter will come again. If we don’t crush it out of fear.

And when you know and feel that love of God given so freely to you, suddenly love becomes far more important that how much money is in the pocket. And then you might see that God’s resources are unlimited. There is enough for everyone. But God is calling us to step away from our vaults and our counting machines and our investment portfolios and our fear and learn to dance again.

Cast your bread upon the waters, For you will find it after many days. Give a serving to seven, and also to eight, For you do not know what evil will be on the earth. (Ecclesiastes 11:1-2)

Paul and Silas sang in prison. We can sing with expensive eggs. Maybe that is the lesson God is showing us. That the price of eggs isn’t worth the price of the soul.

Sing, dance, paint, write a poem. And more importantly than even that –

Let your neighbor draw, sing, paint, write and dance. His enrichment might actually enrich you.

It certainly won’t make you poorer.

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What does God require?

      8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
          And what does the LORD require of you?
          To act justly and to love mercy
          and to walk humbly with your God.

The New International Version (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2011), Mic 6:8.

As I moved farther and farther away from the conservative evangelical and reformed culture of my youth, I am frequently accused of “antinomianism.”

Literally, antinomianism means “against law”. It is generally used to attack those who question the rigid rules of those in power. The law of God is interpreted and if one disagrees with that interpretation, they are accused of being “antinomian”.

It is also used to attack those who show too much love and deference to sinners, especially the “sinners” who are considered outside the camp of the acceptable ones. In Jesus’ day, it would be prostitutes and tax collectors. In our day, it would be LGBTQ+ folks and Democrats. If you would like to test the theory, mention sometime that Christ’s love for the gay community compelled him to come into the world to redeem and bring them to himself. They might still be gay or trans after Christ calls them, because the Holy Spirit is not bound to our political opinion.

This is what got me tried and found guilty of being a false teacher, and today you might see the pejorative term “antinomian” attached to my name, perhaps with some spittle or other forms of rage.

Like the Pharisees disdainfully said of the “rabble”  – They don’t know the law.

I don’t really want to critique again. I actually want to write something more positive. God is clear about what he loves and what he hates.

He has given us the Ten Commandments, which summarize our duties to God and to man. But Moses and later Jesus summarized that duty by saying,

“You shall love the Lord your God. And you shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

Paul said that love is the fulfilling of the law. If you love as God loves, you don’t need laws written on stone. You aren’t dreaming of stabbing your boss in his sleep or cheating on your wife if you only had a chance. A man made perfect in love is a perfect man. A man without love can only keep the outward form of the Ten Commandments, but he cannot fool God, and the world will eventually see what kind of a man he actually is.

This shouldn’t come as a surprise, for this is the teaching of Jesus all through the gospels. “Clean the inside of the cup” he said, “And the whole cup will be clean.”

In our age as in every age, there are new questions about morality. What do you do if your teenager announces that he is trans and wants to change his name and his pronouns? What do you do if your daughter says she is gay and wants to marry her girlfriend? How do you help your children navigate a difficult world?

They see the contradictions in the conservative church – they went through the purity classes and wore the ring and vowed to be pure then watched their parents and their religions leaders slavishly follow a rapist and a serial adulterer as the savior of our nation – yes, our children are watching that.

They’ve had the ten commandments pounded into their heads from their youth, about honoring parents and all in authority, and then watched you scream at government officials about wearing masks or paying taxes.

They watched you drive the abused woman out of your fellowship because she refused to live with the man who beats her every night.

And they watched their while their friends were forced to stand in front of the church and confess their sin of getting pregnant while their leaders were raping children, committing adultery and other forms of spiritual abuse and receiving standing ovations at the next church service.

The kids have watched us meticulously strive for cleaning the outside of the cups and whitewashing the tombs, while the rot and filth on the inside is destroying the church.

So maybe they aren’t listening when we talk about the “sins” of others.

I would suggest that rather than trying to shame them and casting them out for their struggles trying to navigate a very complicated subject of sexuality and gender, let’s leave that work to the Holy Spirit, to complete in his time and in his way.

And instead, let’s summarize the law the way that Moses, Jesus and Micah all did.

Micah used slightly different words, but the concepts are the same. He gives three things that the Lord requires of Adam (human).

Do justice

First, practice justice. Do justice. Mishpat (justice) is the practice of doing that which is right, being impartial, good to all, and striving – as far as our place allows – for a just and equitable society. African American theologians today and yesterday have written volumes on what a just and equitable society looks like. Perhaps take a look at some of the writings of Dr. Martin Luther King, who puts it far more eloquently than I can.

The prophets of the Old Testament also dealt with injustice. The rich trample the poor, destroy their houses to build bigger estates for themselves. Take food from widows and children in order to get richer.

The judges take bribes and those who don’t have the money to pay don’t get justice. Bribes are still taken that pervert justice, but in different forms. I’ll contribute to your campaign; I’ll sign that bill for your zoning, if you condemn that widow’s house. All the deal making that we see every day cries out to the Lord of Justice.

Every time a man is pulled over simply because he is black, the Lord sees.

Every time a woman is bullied into silence or called a “gold-digging whore” for accusing “such an outstanding man”, the Lord sees.

Micah is telling us what the Lord asks of us. He asks us to see as well. Not only to see, but to do.

DO justice, he says.

Love “mercy”

I put “mercy” into quotes because that is how most people memorized this verse, but it isn’t really exactly what the Hebrew says.

The Hebrew is hesed, which doesn’t really have an English equivalent. It has to do with loyalty in relationship. It is a defining characteristic of God. His “hesed” is everlasting, is repeated in every verse of Psalm 136.

It has so many different angles. At a minimum, it means that you keep your contracts. You fulfill your vows. You follow up on promises.

It is translated “mercy” because God is merciful to us because he made a promise to his Son – through Abraham, through David, through Jesus. And he cannot break that promise because his hesed is everlasting. Hence, mercy.

The King James version, knowing the uniqueness of this word, translated it loving-kindness, to distinguish it from other words, such as love, kindness, mercy, loyalty, faithfulness – it is all this and more.

Let me try to explain.

God created us in community. Our decisions and our actions affect our families, our neighbors and our communities. If you decide to drive drunk and put your neighbor’s life in danger, you are not acting according to “hesed”. You are acting treacherously.

There are unspoken rules about living in society. Don’t curse people. Don’t spit on people. Don’t hit your brother. Don’t rape your neighbor’s wife. Some are written down. Some are solemn vows, like marriage vows or business contracts.

A person who loves hesed is one who will make a vow and keep it even if it means loss for himself. A person who loves hesed is reliable, faithful, he keeps his vows to his wife. He honors and cherishes her, even when no one is watching.

A person who loves hesed is someone who will never use the body or the house or the possessions of another for his own gain, but always treats a human with dignity and honor, honoring their possessions and their home.

He helps his neighbor’s donkey out of the ditch, even if that neighbor isn’t a very nice person, because he is hesed, just like his God is hesed.

These two are the heart of what God expects of us with respect to other humans. The Good Samaritan acted with hesed; the priest and the Levite did not.

The examples in scripture can be multiplied again and again.

We might boast about the “art of the deal”, but God calls it treachery, and he sees it.

Because he is just, he will set things in order in his time.

Walk humbly with our God

There is so much that we don’t know. So much that we have not seen.

Where were we when God laid the foundations of the earth?

And yet, he loves us.

We want to pry into his counsels and into his decrees. We want to say that God hates the same people that we hate and that God loves the same people that we love.

We want answers to everything. We draw a circle around ourselves and our tribes. We are the chosen ones, the smart ones.

My mother asked me the other day what the difference was between the Reformed churches I grew up in and the church I attend now.

I had been thinking about it for a while. I think it comes down to “distinctives”. If you belong to a NAPARC congregation, you know what I am talking about.

Every conservative Reformed denomination has what they call “distinctives”

Some have two services on Sunday

Some don’t allow women to vote in congregational meetings

Some only sing Psalms

Some never use instruments

And on and on it goes.

Having been brought up with it, I can attest that these are far more than simply preferences. These are lines in the sand. They are circles around the tribe. Really good, godly faithful people only sing Psalms. The rest of you cannot be called a true church.

And yes, at every meeting where a minister is being examined, they will ask about the “true church”. Can you be a true church if you only have one service on Sunday?

Can you be a true church if you do not force every family to baptize their infants?

These are the people who are “in”. Everyone else is “out”.

Where I attend now, we spend almost no time at all drawing lines in the sand. It is refreshing. And you can give me all the arguments about truth and error, and I won’t answer you because I’ve tried before and it was a worthless waste of time.

And you can share this with your buddies and laugh or sadly shake your head and pat yourself on the back for  driving me out of your pure church, and it won’t hurt me anymore.

Nor will I change my mind, because I have confessed since childhood, “I believe in the Holy Spirit.”

He is far more capable of correcting where correcting needs to happen than I am.

This is what it means to walk humbly with God.

You don’t have to go to the mat on everything. You don’t have to fight to the death over wine or grape juice. You don’t even have to drive you kid out of your home because his preferred pronoun isn’t the one you think he ought to have.

There is so much about the human brain that we don’t understand. But the one who created the brain knows, and sees, and cares.

Teach that to your kids.

Do you know what is far, far more important than your pronoun?

Fight for justice. Love Hesed and tolerate nothing less.

And leave God’s work in God’s hands. He knows. He cares. He can handle it.

This isn’t antinomianism. It is understanding how God works in the world. It is what the law really means.

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Exchanging Jesus for Barabbas

Imagine a man who is a sinner. The particular sin isn’t relevant. Perhaps he is a tax collector for Rome with sketchy morals. Perhaps a woman who sells her body to put food on the table. Perhaps a man seeking life in the arms of many different women, using them and never speaking to them again. Perhaps a thief, a reviler, a blasphemer.

Sinners cause grief in society. They are at war with nature, at war with themselves, at war with their neighbor. Every time God’s moral code is broken, someone gets hurt.

So we want to do something about it. We don’t want prostitutes on the corner of our neighborhood. We don’t want the government getting rich on the backs of the poor. We don’t want to be cursed out when we are in the market. We don’t want thieves running the cash registers.

So far, nothing too controversial. So with those images in mind, ask yourself – what should be done about it?

There are really only two things that can be done. First, is to make the sinner stop sinning. If you have a strong enough king, you can put a stop to an adulterous man. You can eventually lock him up and never let him out. If he has no access to people, he can’t commit a sexual sin against people. Depending on the severity of the situation, this might need to be done. A man who rapes children, for example, needs to be removed from children, whatever it takes to do so. The damage is too great.

But the fact is, this doesn’t actually stop the sinning, because the man still has his heart with him. He still takes his fantasies and his greed and his hatred and his envy, even into prison.

The second problem is this one: If you seek to purify society by removing all the sinners, where do you stop?

Who purifies the ones purifying? The oppressed class rises up and purifies themselves from the oppressors and the oppressors become the new oppressed class.

Revenge is a vicious cycle without an end.

Which brings me to the second way to do something about it.

David cried out, “Oh that salvation were come out of Zion!”

David was the king at the time, and Zion was his palace. He knew that as the king, the salvation he was seeking wasn’t forthcoming. A different kind of king would be needed.

What if a heart could be changed and the adulterous man no longer had any desire to use and abuse the bodies of others?

What if the thief got a job because he wanted to have enough to give to the poor rather than making the problem worse?

What if the racist could see with new eyes the perspective of people different than he is, and actually spend time listening to the struggles and desires and difficulties of the refugee?

What if the greedy government official found security somewhere else rather than in his bank account?

In other words, what if the heart was freed from fear and filled with love?

This, of course, can never be done by laws, by education, by religion, by philosophy, or by anything under the sun. Under the sun is only death and vanity.’

In order for the heart to be changed, a savior must come from another realm with power that doesn’t belong to the realm of death and misery.

It can only come from God himself.

The laws of men can never be strong enough to change a heart or purify sinners. They can’t even agree on what “sin” is!

One problem with the ruling class seeking to purge sinners is that they first have to classify what a sinner is. The next problem is that they have to propose a solution to those that they have deemed sinners.

This is why seeking to eradicate “sin” by the law always ends up multiplying atrocities and never actually solving any problems. You declare a certain type or class of people to be the problem with society (sinners) and then you seek to put a stop to it.

But where do you stop?

You can’t build enough prison camps. You can’t have enough Guantanamo Bays, or Gulags, you can’t have enough Auschwitzes. And not only have you not corrected any problem, you have only made society worse. Death and misery will never cure death and misery.

And death and misery are in this world under the sun because we are alienated from the God of life, fearful of those who are different than we are, and seeking to cover shame and fear and guilt by adultery, murder, anger, reviling, drugs, alcohol, suicides, theft, and the list continues.

In order to truly change behavior, guilt, shame and fear must be removed.

But God doesn’t just zap us and make us perfect. He created us after his image, with personhood, personalities, will, culture, and all of those things that Jesus called “talents”.

And like a skilled surgeon removing a cancer but keeping the patient alive, God removes the fear and the shame and the bent nature and leaves our humanness intact, because God loves his creation and does not desire the “death of the wicked”. Jesus came to redeem a cursed world, not to condemn a cursed world.

But redemption takes time and can’t be rushed. In fact, it takes a whole lifetime and is only complete at the resurrection.

And we are impatient. We want the problem taken care of right now. Our pride tells us that the problem is those others who are sinning.

The problem is that prostitutes are on the corner. Greed is in the government. Refugees are stealing jobs. Politicians are lying. Women are having abortions. Men are sleeping with men.

And if we just had a righteous, powerful king to rid society of these menaces, then the price of eggs would go down, inflation would be over, and we could make Israel Great Again.

And this is where Barabbas comes in.

John’s gospel tells us that Barabbas took part in an uprising.

He thought just like Peter did. Just like Judas did. Just like the crowds did when they welcomed the Son of David into Jerusalem.

FINALLY – God is acting. Jesus is going to rid the world of these Romans. Prostitutes and tax collectors and religious zealots and Herodians and Essenes will finally be put in their place. We will rise up with the king and finally have the peace and security that we deserve!

But then Jesus just rode in to Jerusalem, looked around, and then left!

The Romans didn’t even pay him any mind!

Day after day went by, and nothing.

He let a woman pour a years worth of money out on his feet!! Think of what he could have done with that!

And after Jesus told Judas to leave the woman alone because it was for his burial, Judas finally got it.

He wasn’t going to do anything about Rome at all! He’s just another loser sitting around and doing nothing.

I’m going to join the winning side. Maybe Barabbas can get something going. At least he tried to do something.

And by Friday morning, when the crowds finally realized that Jesus wasn’t going to overthrow Pilate, their shouts of Hosanna quickly turned to shouts of “Crucify, crucify”.

And they exchanged the Lord of life for Barabbas.

He might be a murderer, a thief and an insurrectionist, but at least he tried to make us great again!

Peter was confused, but he tried to keep up with what Jesus was doing. He even drew his sword in the garden.

But when Jesus rebuked him and healed the ear, even faithful Peter had enough.

He didn’t deny Christ because he was afraid. He denied Christ because Jesus didn’t do anything and just allowed himself to be arrested.

He was angry and disillusioned, not afraid.

They had that vision of David – the Great King, defeating the enemies. The time of Israel’s greatness.

But was it that great, really? There was death, corruption, continual war, plague, oppression, enforced slavery…and even David longed for a better salvation.

And now, 2,000 years later, it is easy to scoff at Peter’s faithlessness, Judas’ betrayal, the crowd’s fickleness…

But we still fall into the same trap, over and over again.

We still exchange Jesus for Barabbas. Jesus takes to long. He’s too soft on sin, we say.

We forget that if Jesus came to condemn the world, none of us would be here.

If Jesus came in judgment, the wheat would be thrown in the fire with the tares.

But we think we know better. We think that we can separate the wheat from the weeds and send the weeds off to Guantanamo, so the wheat can get on with growing, and it won’t stop ever.

The body count will get higher and higher. More and more prisons will need to be built. More soldiers and police will be needed until the whole nation is fearful, ashamed, hiding, turning on each other –

And there will still be prostitutes on the corner, greedy government officials,  women getting abortions, thieves, and murderers.

Righteousness will never come by the law. Only death and misery.

Shouldn’t we know this by now? It is literally what every single one of Paul’s letters is about. And history has shown us over and over and over.

When Barabbas is king, only misery can follow.

The duty of Christ’s people is NOT to shout for Barabbas to be king, but to take up the cross and follow Jesus. His cross and his resurrection, motivated by God’s love for the world, changed the world and is still changing the world.

But it isn’t on our time-table. We always kill the good while trying to purge the bad. Let Jesus do that. Let the Holy Spirit do that.

In the meantime, love your neighbor. The ones with brown skin who are being threatened. The trans kid with no place to go. The woman on the corner. The greedy government official.

And it might cost. In fact, I know it does. It will cost everything, because we are Christians – like Christ. So we take up our crosses and be willing to even lose our lives for the sake of our communities – and even our enemies.

Because we, of all people, should understand that resurrection only comes after death. Never before.

So we wait, we mourn, we dance, we sing, we take up our crosses, we give generously, and we refuse to give into fear and shame. It has no place here.

Here we will stand. We will crucify fear and shame to the cross of Jesus and stand with joy and peace, with infinite love to share from Jesus through us to the world.


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Gender and Creation

When you begin a discussion about transgenderism, with all of the various nuances of the science of “gender”, you should be aware of the knee jerk reactions that will inevitably take place. I fully expect threats, condemnations and even loss of friendship. I hope not. But I am used to it.

As a follower of Jesus, I believe that the bible alone is my ultimate authority both for faith and for practice. That, by itself, is meaningless, I know, without the filling of the Holy Spirit, for everyone claims the “bible alone” – even those who wouldn’t know what it taught even if it bit them.

I only mention the “bible alone” because I am not an expert on science, or on gender, or on biology or on constitutional law. But I do know a glimmer of what the bible says, even when that knowledge is only “in part”.

Most of those who are quick to condemn transgenderism will say that a transgender person is denying how God made them. Then they will quote Jesus saying, “He made them male and female.” This seems like a slam dunk – so much so that those who condemn a transgender person will use that same person as an example of the worst sort of immorality. In fact, the transgender debate played a large role in the last election. “People don’t even know what bathroom to use…” and so on.

In the list of sins normally presented in an evangelical church, you can be prepared to hear “sodomy, transgenderism, abortion” and almost no mention of racism, abuse, cruelty and assault. But that is another topic.

But if you look at the whole passage that Jesus is quoted in, you will see that it is not nearly the slam dunk that our opponents believe it is. Here is the passage in full:

3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ v 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
10 The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.”
11 Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”  Matt 19:3–12.

It is important to notice that the questioners were testing him. They were looking for something to either turn the people against him OR turn the Romans against him. “Yes or no? Is it lawful to get a divorce”.

For this reason, I am leery of questions that begin with “Yes or no??”

“Yes or no, is transgenderism a sin??”

“Yes or no, can you tell me what a woman is?”

“Yes or no, do you know what bathroom to use?”

When questions are put like this, they are rarely asked with good motives. In my experience, every time I am asked a question like this, there is a trap in play.

So let’s look at Jesus’ response.

I have written on the passage several times before: Here, for example.

But not specifically applying in to the transgender discussion.

Jesus did say, “He created them male and female”, but then he goes on to talking about the “hardness of heart” which God did NOT create.

God’s original, beautiful design was marred and corrupted and twisted by sin and death. Now, please do not stop here and think that I am saying that transgender persons are living in sin. That is not the point. Hold on for just a minute.

The fact is that sin is like a cancer, or a leprosy, that effects everything and every person. The brokenness of sin and shame and misery lie in every human heart. We are cast out of Eden and we all feel that in our very bones. We all long desperately for the beauty of God and the acceptance of our Shepherd.

Decades of Wesleyan perfection have infiltrated the church, though, including on the subject of transgender. Wesley, and more particularly his follower Charles Finney, taught that sin was merely a choice that someone makes. That you can choose to do good or choose to do evil. Like Pelagius, they thought that talking about sin as a cancer was just an excuse. That people could be moral if they just decided to be moral.

So when we talk about acceptance, our knee jerk reaction is that if we start choosing to do right, then God will accept us. And so we divide the whole world up into US – those who choose to do right. And THEM, those who make bad choices and deserve the outcome.

We sing about “only a sinner, saved by grace” but secretly harbor the sneaking suspicion that God accepted us because we are a little bit better than those drag queen who actually want to read to children.

But when you say, “The Bible alone”, you also need to condemn yourself, just as Paul wrote in Romans chapters 1-3. The “bible alone” leaves us all subject to sin and death.”

This is a deep subject. I am not simply saying “Yes, you are bad too”. That would be caving to Finney’s view of sin. Instead, look at it this way:

All of us are east of Eden, alienated from life. All of us have mental disorders, physical disorders, cancers, graying hairs. All of us are one car crash away from permanent brain damage. All of us are one accident away from living in a wheel chair. All of us have twisted views of God, twisted views of ourselves, twisted views of our neighbors.

Instead of viewing sin as a series of behaviors, the Bible views sin more as a cancer – the result of living outside of Eden, missing the mark of the glory of God, living outside of his embrace. Everything else is a RESULT of sin. Behavior, shame, guilt, terror, and everything that plagues mankind, up to and including death. We don’t need to make better choices. We need redemption. We live in a world of death and misery, in bondage to the kingdom of darkness and pain and misery.

And all of us try to manage the absurdity and brutality of life in destructive ways.

Some are drunk on alcohol.

Some are drunk on porn.

Some are drunk on their hetero-cis-genderism.

Some are drunk on pride

Some are drunk on their spiritual superiority.

Look deeper than “bad behavior.” Human behavior isn’t nearly as simplistic as you want it to be.

There is a spot in our brain, for example, that controls executive function. That is the function that we use to successfully organize, plan and execute a goal.

I know a person whose executive function was destroyed by a virus. She would be called lazy, unmotivated, and sinful by some – and has been. But human behavior is not that simple. Choice and will are not that simple.

There is a spot in our brain that gives us our identity as either male or female. We know ourselves as gendered persons because of a function of our brain.

And no, I am not talking about the soul right now. That mysterious self that lies beyond our science. I am not a materialist. But I believe that we are one, body and soul. One affects the other.

There is a place in our brain that floods our body with adrenaline. It is supposed to go off when we are attacked by bears or lions. It senses danger and prompts the body to act.

There are hormones, there are nerve endings – and all of this functioned perfectly when God created them male and female.

But then there was catastrophe. Sin entered the world. We became spiritually alienated from God and our bodies, our environment, our relationship to ourselves and our neighbor were all affected.

The brain started flooding the brain with danger signals when there was no danger. We became depressed, neurotic, prideful, even hateful, or contemptuous – as many different responses as their are types of persons.

People forgot who they were. We lost so much we can’t even fathom it. We can’t imagine a world without sin and death and pain and misery. We can’t imagine living without shame or guilt or fear. We can’t imagine living with a healed brain and a healed soul. We can long for it, but we can’t imagine in.

As I write this, my shoulder is cramping up and my knees hurt so badly I have to get up and stretch them out. I cannot imagine a day without pain.

If I believed in a simple “bible alone” response, I would say, “I can’t run the race. I can’t even walk across the store.”

And I know that there will be those who think I can be fixed by “their doctor” or by making better choices. Maybe. Maybe not. Life is far more complicated than better choices.

Sometimes the place in our brain that gives us our gender identity is messed up by abuse, by birth, by trauma, or simply by “I have no idea”. To me, it is simply a part of being a fallen human in a fallen world, longing for redemption and deliverence from the pain of existing.

So, is a transgender person sinning?

I cannot find even one passage in all of scripture that would apply. There is a relatively obscure verse in Deuteronomy that is pulled out like a weapon, but is it talking about a transgender person? Not really.

In fact, the church cannot be dogmatic about how to apply the law of God at all. Is it meant to be normative? Is all of the case law given in Deuteronomy supposed to be followed to the letter? What about that place in Numbers where a woman accused of adultery is supposed to drink water mixed with dust from the temple floor. We don’t have a temple any more. What are we supposed to do.

Here’s the verse I am referring to:

5 “A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment, for all who do so are an abomination to the LORD your God. Dt 22:5.

But what does it mean? The rest of the passage seems to deal with not mixing seeds, not mixing threads, and not mixing birds and eggs. Is Moses speaking of a thousand case laws, or is he teaching Israel that God has called a people for himself, and makes a difference between his seed and the serpent’s seed? I would lean to the latter, but what do I know? Do we need to throw away all of our garments that are made with mixed thread?

When Paul said, “Be anxious over nothing” was he speaking about those whose brain floods their body with adrenaline without a reason? Where someone is triggered by a smell, a sound, a phrase and goes into fight or flight mode? I think not.

I do know that Jesus said not to search the scriptures looking for a zillion rules, thinking that life would be found there. But look to scriptures as a testimony to Jesus.

So here is what my pea brain offers.

Wherever you are, whatever your coping method is, whatever gender you identify with, whatever your sexuality, whatever your background…

Whether you can’t remember if you turned of the stove and it ruins your whole day

Whether your executive function is damaged and getting up to do the dishes is the hardest thing you’ve ever done

Whether your gender switch is different that mine and you truly don’t know which bathroom to use

Whether you don’t see yourself as either male or female and don’t even know how to answer that question

Whether your anxiety is through the roof for no reason

Whether you lose the battle against your sins today, yet again

Jesus came just for you.

He didn’t come to make you a good slave.

He didn’t come to make you straight, or cis, or male, or female, or white, or republican

He didn’t come because he is sick and tired of you screwing up all the time and you better get it right…

He came for only one reason. Because God loves you, and God hates that cancer that is making you miserable.

He is in the business of restoring everything and making you beautiful. And making me beautiful. And you have a glimpse of that beauty in you right now.

Exercise that beauty that is in you. Do justly. Love faithfulness, and walk humbly with God.

He is coming and everything will be restored. He is longing for your embrace even more than you long for his, believe it or not.

And in his arms, everything will be made right.

As for my part, I am so tired of the impulse to tell everyone what is wrong with them. It does not good. It solves nothing. And I am not nearly smart enough to act as a judge.

Unless you are hurting someone less powerful than you. Then I have a problem.

Be faithful; be just; be humble. That’s the whole of everything.

 

 

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The end of an era

It’s time for boldness as well as encouragement for the people of God. There are Christians like me all over the world who are grieving. They watch their Savior’s name being dragged through the mud by the worst sort of men – adulterers, liars, abusers, rapists, con-men – and these same men then take the name of God on to their filthy lips for the sake of power. It grieves my heart.

That being said – at the end of every era, By God’s design, wickedness becomes exposed as it grows more powerful and seemingly omnipotent. It is a terrifying time when an age ends.

But in God’s design, the exposure is necessary before judgment. First the exposure, then comes judgment.

Before God’s time, wickedness is restrained, hidden, in shadows and corners and down alleys. Those who have tried to speak are not believed, silenced, ridiculed, shut down – and wickedness grows and becomes more emboldened.

How many spoke up before Luther and died at the stake?

How many spoke in ancient Rome and died in the circuses?

How many were executed by wild beasts and furnaces BEFORE God brought judgment to Nebuchadnezzar?

But then the time of judgment and exposure comes.

The darkness bursts out in all it’s ugliness and hatefulness and power, crushing the soul and leaving the innocent crying out in agony. “Does anyone hear? Does anyone care?” But that is the sign that the end is near.

Follow me – God told Abraham that the iniquity of the Amorites was not yet complete. And we have followed this pattern ever since. Revelation speaks of Armageddon, when the forces of evil are at their most deceptive and most powerful.

And so the ages come and go.

One power is exposed and falls, the next rises and continues until its injustice and wickedness is complete, then it is exposed before all and destroyed by the breath of God, and another kingdom takes its place.

It is always darkest before the dawn.

We are, I believe, at the end of the age. We are in for a bit of darkness, but let’s take a look at it from the throne room of God:

This hatred and fear and contempt will grow worse and worse. The iniquity of American Evangelicalism is not yet complete. It has crushed the enslaved, destroyed humans in the Native genocides, crushed women and children in mines and factories, raped children in the Sunday School rooms and Bible camps, and has turned God’s house into a safe-haven for robbers, adulterers, and thieves.

God has sent prophets, but has not yet come in judgment, because the iniquity is not yet complete. But it is coming.

This facade of religiosity will soon be peeled back and we will be left with unmasked Baal – worship, throwing its victims into the furnaces and ghettos and death camps and will reach the height of its earthly power.

But do not fear. It is as it has always been as we approach the coming Day of the Lord.

God still has angels with swords. He still has the breath of his mouth. And when the time has come, and the evil is fully seen for what it is, it will tumble down in a moment.

Until then, my friends, do not fear.

There will be mouths to feed. Victims to sit with. Refugee families to house and hide. Neighbors to love. People to clothe. Escapees to sit with, and so so many left outside the camp.

Do not mistake what you see in the halls of Power as Christianity. It is not there. You have never found Christ in Christendom. It is a different kingdom with a different master. Jesus said that you will know his disciples by their love.

Look for it. Show it. Shine it out. Don’t be afraid.

Firing squads may come. It will be the organized church and the power-hungry religious leaders that lead the violence. This will not be where Christ’s people are.

Christ’s people will be following him. Outside the camp. On the cross. Taking the lowest place of all. Waiting for resurrection.

Hold on to that, and don’t be discouraged.

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Advent

I’ve been really sick lately. Just a seasonal cold, but it has knocked me out. So I don’t know if I my words come across.

But I know that there are so many that are suffering this advent. I wish I had paid more attention to advent when I was Reformed. It is a beautiful reminder to all who are hurting, lonely, hopeless – that God sees and knows and is coming to save.

Advent is hurting, and longing. Advent is wondering and waiting. Advent is screaming and crying and wondering when the pain will stop.

Advent is locked in, lonely, outcast, wandering – longing for home.

Advent is labor pains but not yet knowing the birth.

Advent is expectation – but not like a child excited for Christmas. It doesn’t always look like that. It is expectation that looks like hopelessness.

Like a dark night, like a barren field, like desert, like a wilderness – like stuck in an upper room with a ton of strangers about to give birth and having to sneak down to where the host keeps the animals to have some privacy.

It is asking “What is God doing? Does he care? Does he see? Does he know?”

And then the dawn breaks. Then the trumpet sounds. Then the angel choirs sing.

The first advent was in the dark. Announced to the shepherds and the foreigners and the outcasts. It was the first advent. It isn’t yet complete.

The next is coming. Advent reminds us of the next. Stay awake. Open wide your doors. Open your wallets.

Give to those who have none. Love those who don’t know what that is. Be present for those who have never had anyone present or anyone who cared.

Be the ear for those whose voices scream out unheard.

Be the eye for those who go unseen.

Shine the light of Jesus in the dark while we all wait for home.

The groom is coming. He is coming. Wait. The consummation is at hand.

 

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