Tag Archives: Repentance

August 25, 2025 · 8:14 pm

When it bursts, then what?

I have to admit something. I struggle, as you have probably guessed. The Angry Orange Lunatic and his sycophants have cost me tremendously over the years in real life. And he hasn’t cost me near as much as he has cost our brown brothers and sisters, our trans friends, our gay friends – those who live in fear every day.

I watch men dragged away from their wives in tears. I hear the unfounded accusations, the blatant lies and false witness. I weep with all of the young women who have been raped by white men in power without any recourse, crying out for justice on this earth and seeing none.

I see beautiful cities run over by humvees and SS troops dragging homeless men and women out to die.

And worst of all, I see the evangelical and Reformed churches cheering and celebrating cruelty, lies, assault, groping, concentration camps…

And honestly, I struggle with hatred. I pray for the destruction of the enemies of humanity.

And it bothers me, because I really don’t want to become like them. I want beauty and harmony and peace. I want love and gentleness and safety – not just for me, but for all of God’s creatures.

Even the mouse that I told you about yesterday broke my heart and I couldn’t put out another glue strip since.

And I think of humans in God’s image locked in cages, fed almost nothing, no privacy, no dignity, no safety – and I see former friends and family that cheer on this administration, not in spite of the atrocities, but BECAUSE of the atrocities.

See. My blood starts to boil again. What do I do? I don’t want to live with rage. But I don’t want what is happening in the country to keep happening.

But what is even worse is this – it isn’t one man. It isn’t one group of men. It is the whole history of this country that this country is trying so desperately to whitewash.
It is the millions of Africans that we enslaved without hope, picking cotton year after year, generation after generation, without any agency, free will, value, dignity – and still lifting their heads up through it all and crying out for freedom. The image of God in them still bursting through the hell that the white church put them through.

It is millions of natives slaughtered, lands stolen, massacred – men, women and children. All of them living through trauma I will never know.

It millions of Latinos and Latinas fleeing death sentences working hunched over melon fields and lettuce fields to scrape a living, and now fleeing for their lives, hated and pursued like animals.

And it is knowing that I will be crucified online for being “woke” for saying it.

Fred Rogers was too soft for the adults in my childhood. They hated him, Bob Ross and men like him for being weak, and called out for “men to rise up and lead!!” The fruits of the spirit were never seen. Only strength, domination, control. Anything else was giving in to the hippies.

Orange Taco isn’t an anomaly. He’s the pustulous cancer that the rot of white supremacy pushed to a head. The pus started about the time of the first slave ship was brought over by the puritan and congregational landowners who couldn’t be assed to pick their own damn cotton. That pus has grown and grown, and now he’s about to burst, and then what? His followers will crawl into obscurity like every single other one of his sycophants, dressing like a chicken and singing for a few bucks like Rudy Giuliani. Selling one’s soul is never cheap, but there are still takers.
And when that pustule has burst, then what?

Will we see national repentance? Will we finally admit that people with melanin, and non-hetero or non-cis people, or people from other nations or other genders or other histories or other cultures or other religions are human beings in God’s image, loved as his creatures, redeemed as his creation and worthy of dignity, honor, freedom and love as much as we are?

Will we finally embrace the catholicity of God? Beyond race, beyond color, beyond culture, the creator and sustainer of all life, not just white males?

Or will we continue to shrivel up into ourselves like C S Lewis’s dwarves – “The Dwarves are for the Dwarves!” – refusing redemption, refusing beauty, refusing love and holding our damnable pride. Mowing over roses of hope and joy to erect concrete structures to beat the wicked heads against? Softness and beauty and subtlety gives way to power, and the rot that is left continues to destroy the soul.

I can’t make that choice for you. I know what I will do. I will take the rose that God gives as his gift to men. I will take beauty and gentleness. I will take courage and color and truth – and I will humbly leave God to judge the world, for he knows far better than I do how to go about it without destroying it.

I will try to deal with my anger the best I know how, and long for a better day when love prevails and I no longer have to watch such gleeful cruelty on my screen every day.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus. How we need you.

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July 26, 2024 · 7:30 am

Abuse, divorce, denial and authoritarian men

Many years ago, back when I was first beginning to learn and write about the problem of assault in conservative marriages, I was in a conversation with another minister in my denomination.

He thanked me for my study and my work on assault, agreed with me that there was much work that needed to be done and asked what more could be done.

I mentioned that oftentimes the church has a very poor response to accusations of domestic assault and will force the woman back into the marriage over and over again, putting her life and the lives of her children in danger. He made all of the appropriate spiritual humming noises. “Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm.” You know how it goes.

I thought I was making progress.

He said, “What about repentance? Can’t an abuser repent?”

I said, “In most cases, repentance is a matter of saying some words, crying some tears, and other manipulative tactics to coerce the victim to put herself back under the power of the abuser. This is why” I continued “I never counsel or even suggest that an abused spouse return to the marriage. I always emphasize their safety above everything else.”

After making more appropriate spiritual humming noises, the minister responded, “We had a case just a few months ago. The wife would come to church year after year. We all knew that she was being abused. She had bruises and wore sunglasses. We could all see it. It went on for about 20 years. Finally she decided she had enough and moved out. We supported her.

“But then he came to the elders, and I’m telling you, Sam, I have never seen anyone as repentant as that guy was. He was really broken up about all his failings. He confessed them all and asked her forgiveness. But her heart was so hard and bitter towards him that she refused to take him back. We finally had to excommunicate her for refusing to forgive.”

I died a little inside. I shared with him that what he described is a typical abuser strategy; that all of them do the exact same thing in order to get what they want.

I even shared with him our confession of faith – that repentance is the dying of the old man and the making alive of the new man. It isn’t words and tears.

There is a sorrow that leads to death. Even if his sorrow was genuine, like Esau’s, it isn’t the same as repentance.

And there is one more thing that is even more crucial than that. Even if it were possible to read the heart and determine that a man IS truly repentant, this does not change the fact that his covenant is broken, and that HE is the one who broke the covenant. She will have damage and triggers for the rest of her life.

She will remember the hymns she tried to sing after he broke her jaw. She will remember the smell of the aftershave when he raped her. She will remember what was cooking when he punched her.

She will remember the words. The mouth that kissed her and spoke sweet nothings to her that now say, “I hate you. You disgust me. You are fat and ugly, no one wants you.”

Those wounds don’t just go away with words.

After this conversation, I realized that we still had a massive amount of work to do. I started it until I finally had to part ways with my denomination.

I found out then that most ministers and elders are actually opposed to abuse. They will speak loftily and spiritually about the horrors of domestic violence…UNTIL it actually takes up space in THEIR congregations.

Then, by far the easiest option is to side with the abuser. It is far easier if she would just be quiet and quit making a fuss. If he would just say sorry and they could go back to everything being normal again.

And this is where we lose most of the officers of the church.

The deplore abuse – BUT

“I know that guy. He isn’t an abuser”

“It wasn’t really abuse. I’ve seen real abuse”

“He was really repentant”

“It wasn’t really abuse; she just pushed his buttons enough and he snapped. Could’ve happened to anyone”

No matter what you say, there is always a reason why what is happening in THEIR congregation isn’t abuse.

We hate abuse. We just never see real abuse…you’ve all heard it.

We just saw it when it made national news.

But this has been going on for decades.

The heart of the problem is here:

Why is it that they believe that a group of white, middle aged, conservative men have absolute infallibility over the lives of women? There can be no error, they are so sure of their infallibility that they will literally put a woman’s life on the line over it.

What on earth is an “ecclesiastical divorce”? If you are in these circles, you’ve heard the term. It is the idea that one must get divorced in the church BEFORE they are allowed to get a legal divorce.

Why do we continually talk about “grounds for divorce” rather than talk about safety and liberty?

Why does the liberty we are given in Christ only apply to men? Are not wives and daughters co-heirs of Christ? Are they not worth protecting?

What gives a small group of men the right to determine what does or does not constitute abuse? Did not Jesus say that even saying “You fool” or “Raca” is abusive and the equivalent of murder? (he was not sin-leveling, but that is a different subject)

One step further:

Where is this woman now to go? She has been branded an “adulteress”. She has been expelled from her friends and her faith. She most like will never set foot in a similar congregation again, or ANY congregation. If you have not gone through a public “church trial” you have no idea what it does to you.

She was abused by her husband and found safety. She was abused by her church, and finally found safety.

And now, the same people that demanded that she return to her husband are also demanding that she return to church and “stop disobeying God”.

Do you think that these things might be related?

Jesus has his people everywhere. He knows his own, he gathers his own together.

But maybe those who belong to Christ need to flee for a time. Maybe they will gather in homes or caves or coffee shops or online. Maybe God meets with them two or three at a time, binding up wounds, releasing the prisoner, healing the sick and bringing justice to the outliers.

And maybe the church needs to repent just as surely as the abusive husband needs to repent.

Something to think about, anyway.

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July 10, 2024 · 5:07 pm

Repentance or love?

A recent post by Shane Pruitt reads:

May be an image of 1 person and text that says 'ShanePruitt Shane Pruitt @shane_ @shane_pruitt78 pruitt78 In many churches today, you'll hear the word "love" a thousand times. before you hear the word "repent" one time. However, Elijah said repent. Isaiah said repent. Joel said repent. Jonah said repent. Jeremiah, Micah, Amos, and Malachi all preached repentance. John the Baptist said repent. Jesus said repent. The Disciples said repent. The message has not changed.'

Here’s the difficulty – when you pit love and repentance against each other like this, you don’t understand either one. Repentance becomes hard like iron, ruthless like fire, and as relentless as death.

Trying to define repentance over against love makes one cruel and hateful, as those who know this author can attest.

In the bible, repentance is turning away from your hateful, hard hearts and turning towards the love of God and his free invitation of redemption. The result of true repentance is a heart that loves God and loves one’s neighbor.

This is the same spirit that seeks to define holiness over against love and mercy, when God is not so divided. Holiness IS perfect love, perfect beauty, perfect goodness. Repentance is turning from our hateful, stone gods and to the God of love.

Repentance is turning away from the attempt of self-salvation, with its iron clad, man-made rules, making one censorious, judgmental, proud and contemptuous and turning towards love, compassion, mercy and humility.

In other words, repentance is the b-side of love. God’s love is the beautiful magnet that draws us to his bosom (which is what repentance IS) and away from the world that the modern evangelical preacher inhabits.

The modern preacher’s call to repentance is simply a call to remain in the slavery of Egypt, working harder and harder to make more and bricks of our own self-righteousness. The Love of God calls us out, and to the land of his love, resting in the joy of the Lord. This is Repentance.

The result of resting in God’s bosom is that our life and our words and our hearts begin to reflect the beautiful light of God revealed in Jesus Christ, as we become more and more like him in love.

Don’t pit repentance against love. You don’t know what you are talking about.

 

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March 8, 2024 · 8:34 am

In the desert

I’m reading Henri Nouwen. The part of me that has Reformed Dogmatics running through my blood sometimes recoils, but then I remind myself that the Holy Spirit is greater than Reformed Dogmatics.

Nouwen talks about the Desert Fathers and the beginnings of withdrawal from the world at the beginning of the Christian era.

His insights in the pull of our greed and anger from the love of the world really speaks to me.

Whenever I think of “the love of the world” I hear the voice of a childhood elder teaching our Sunday School classes. Love of the world meant listening to Rock music, wearing jewelry, turning the music up loud, going to the malls and dressing like hippies…

But the love of the world is far more insidious.

I long to be drawn deeper into fellowship with God. I want to know him as he is, which means that I need to know Jesus and his sufferings, temptations, victories. What did it mean to Jesus to withdraw from the world?

When he was led into the wilderness and tested of the devil, there were three temptations. Nouwen got me thinking about them in a different light.

1. Stones to bread – Jesus was tempted with security, safety, significance. If he can turn stones to bread, he will never be hungry again.

But man does not live by bread only. The bread that fills the belly is a poor substitute for the living bread, where Jesus gives us himself.

2. “Throw yourself off the temple”. When the angels charge down, think of the reputation you will get. Just like Moses at the Red Sea. Everyone will listen to you. Everyone will fear you. When you speak, everyone will listen.

“But “You shall not put Jehovah to the test.” We live by his word, not by shows of power. We live by his life and his promises, not by circuses and pomp and the glories of this world.

3. I will give you all these kingdoms”. What could a good man do with unlimited power? What good could he accomplish! No need for a cross, or suffering, or taking the lowest place! What the world needs is a strong leader, not another wimp.

But you can worship power, or you can worship Jehovah. You cannot do both. The Baals of old were cruel taskmasters, but the power was alluring. Unfortunately, that power also takes your children and your children’s children.

“You shall worship the Lord your God”.

And today, we (myself included) continually fall for the same temptations.

If only we had financial security. If only we had a bit more recognition for my accomplishments and worth. If only people would respect my leadership.

We thought that the country could be saved with the power to make laws, but what has increased is not love and joy and kindness. We got the power, but we sold our souls to hatred, greed, envy, sexual assault, rape, murder, blasphemy, heresy, witchcraft and destruction.

We had to worship the wrong God for the power we thought we could do good with, and now we carry the dead corpse of the culture on our backs.

We poured our money into earthly glory. Fountains, and carpets, private jets and large buildings, celebrities and conferences and book deals…and lost our souls.

Maybe we need some time in the desert. In silence. exposing our greed and anger before the God of grace.

Maybe its time we shut ourselves in our closets and grieved our own sins.

It is why I haven’t written much lately. It is why I haven’t done a podcast lately.

Before I can speak, I first need to learn how to be silent.

That’s what repentance is, isn’t it? It is turning away from the significance, glory and power of this world, and facing God naked and silent.

That’s a new one for me.

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August 16, 2022 · 12:50 pm

Here’s to the ones who fail…

We like to watch certain contest type shows. America’s Got Talent; Chopped – that sort of show. People arrive and show off their skills for the judges. They are fun to watch, and fun to see what gifts God has given to people.

There is a running theme in all of these. Contestants will almost invariably say a variation of the following.

“They might have more experience …. but no one works harder than I do”

“I just want to show my (daughter, son, nephew, niece) that you can achieve your dreams if you work hard and set your mind on it.”

“I’ve had some sort of adversity, but I overcame and showed myself strong…”

“I didn’t let obstacles keep me from my dreams…”

These sorts of statements warm the hearts of the audience and judges. I don’t really want to cut down those who have worked hard and achieved their dreams, nor do I want to belittle hard work. Hard work is better than idleness; dreaming is better than hopeless despair. Trying is better than not trying at all.

But several decades of adversity tend to bring something else out about life.

The strong don’t always win.

The ones that work the hardest don’t always succeed.

The talented don’t always get the record deals.

Sometimes a virus travels up into your brain and eats holes there. Sometimes the joints degenerate.

Sometimes, you are a fighter and  work hard and are determined to beat the cancer, but it wins anyway.

Sometimes, the world doesn’t work the way that it is supposed to.

11 I returned and saw under the sun that—

The race is not to the swift,
Nor the battle to the strong,
Nor bread to the wise,
Nor riches to men of understanding,
Nor favor to men of skill;
But time and chance happen to them all.
12      For man also does not know his time:
Like fish taken in a cruel net,
Like birds caught in a snare,
So the sons of men are snared in an evil time,
When it falls suddenly upon them. (Ecclesiastes 9:11-12)

This is actually a comfort, because I know how often we beat ourselves up with guilt.

If my illness overcomes me, does that mean I have failed morally?
If I didn’t win, is it because I didn’t work hard enough?
If my dreams didn’t come true, is it because I didn’t visualize them enough and strive enough?

What if I am just ordinary. What if I just write a few things from time to time, plant some tomatoes that never seem to grow, and never leave any kind of name or spectacular achievement behind?

What if, like the vast majority of the human race, I die, go into the dust, and fade away and in 6 months no one remembers me, my loved ones have a hard time picturing my face, and the universe continues on?

To all of the ordinary ones like me, here’s to you!

Here’s to the one whose body is wracked with pain and getting up in the morning is a monumental task.

Here’s to the ones who can’t memorize their catechism, no matter how hard they try.

Here’s to the ones who lay awake at night sweating and trembling and not really quite able to conquer their anxieties all the time.

Here’s to the ones who just get tired and want to throw in the towel.

Here’s to the ones who work 9 to 5 on the same job their whole lives who have learned contentment.

Here’s to the ones who can’t get work because their bodies have betrayed them.

Here’s to the ones who have mastered running a 10k. And here’s to the ones who can’t walk across a Walmart without having to rest.

Whoever you are and whatever your struggle, here’s to you.

Jesus didn’t come just to save the strong, beautiful, talented. And sometimes the curse on the world is just too much.

Sometimes, you don’t get over grief, but carry it every single day.

Sometimes, you don’t wish your way into good health, but will limp every day.

Sometimes, you don’t succeed, no matter how hard you work at it.

Sometimes, your hidden talents remain hidden, because you are too busy trying to put food on the table.

Sometimes, people abandon you and the hardest battles are the ones you face alone.

Sometimes,

In fact, usually –

people are born. They do some things. They die.

And while they are doing some things, if they are sometimes overwhelmed by the futility of it all, overcome with despair and isolation, and sometimes crushed by the weight of it all – if they cry out to the Lord, they might find that he hears, that he cares, that he is faithful, and that he has flights and flights of angels waiting to bear us to his rest…

If we just call upon his name.

For the scripture says,

“Whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”

Not – “Whosoever has their lives together”

Nor – “Whosever works hard enough and dreams hard enough

Nor – “Whosoever contributes enough to society”

Nor – “He who has friends in high places

Nor – “He who gets the best invites…”

But whosoever calls.

Because if you count on your strength, you will probably trip.

If you count on your horses and riders, you might lose a nail.

If you count on your health, one microscopic virus could lay you in a chair the rest of your life.

If you count on your beauty, one fire, one accident, one bacterium…

You get the picture. The race isn’t too the swift…

BUT – whoever will call upon the name of the LORD will be saved.

This is repentance. It isn’t trying to work up enough energy to quit whatever sin you struggle with. It is turning from your trust in your will-power, the power of your dreams, the power of your love, the power of your determination – and realize the hopelessness and futility of all of it.

And call upon Jesus alone. He alone saves us. Turn away from the worship of self-reliance and lean upon him alone.

For whosoever will call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.

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July 11, 2022 · 5:34 pm

You’re doing it wrong

Several months ago, a friend who is very near to me asked me this question, “Why are unbelievers generally so much kinder and friendlier than Christians?”

And I thought about it. I gave her a pretty standard mumbling about “common grace”, and I do believe that is true.

I also believe that all humans are created in God’s image and have an understanding of kindness and friendship and love. We should be thankful for that.

But I thought about it.

I know this friend. I know that he was raised in the church, quite similar to my own circles and so his concerns echoed with me. I also have found that in general the people who treated me with the most contempt, rage, anger, and dismissal have been fellow professors of Christ. I have never had an unbeliever treat me as badly as one who broke bread with me at the Lord’s Table.

Why is that? If we are to be known by our love, why is it that we are mostly known by our contempt and anger against everyone?

And once again, you can deny it. I have had many believers try to prove that they aren’t bullies by threatening me, slandering me and cutting off all contact with me for saying that they were bullies.

You know what I am talking about. If you don’t, then maybe it would help you to learn to listen to those who have left the church. So many souls have been trampled on and abused by conservative evangelicals!

So I thought about it.

I think that there are two things that are deeply engrained in our evangelical culture.

First, fear is deeply engrained.  We were raised firmly in the belief that coming into contact with the “world” would destroy us. We were taught throughout the 70s and 80s and beyond that “secular humanists” were out to take away all of our rights, persecute us, change our way of life, and destroy churches.  “Left Behind”, Youth Camps, Bill Gothard – all of them painted quite the horrifying apocalypse if the unbelievers ever get power. If “these people” get their way, we will lose everything this country stands for! We will lose our place and our nation.

It actually was for this very reason that the leaders of the Jews delivered Jesus to be crucified. They thought that if he continued, the Romans would destroy their way of life and their positions of power (John 11:47-48).

So we react with the world through fear. We are terrified of everything. Rock music, Hollywood, Disney, ABC, Starbuck coffee, Harry Potter, women getting out of control! We need to be continually steadfast and vigilant!

We act as if God is just waiting for us to let our guards down and then punish us for not being vigilant enough.

(On a side note, this is why the teaching that Adam sinned by not guarding the garden from the invasion of the serpent bothers me so much. Not only is that nowhere in the text, but it puts an impossible standard on people that no one can meet. How could Adam have been everywhere at once? Should he have built a wall? Trained his sons to be armed border patrol?)

But I digress.

God has not called us to fear. We are complete in Christ and safe in him. God is not waiting for us to mess up so he can gleefully punish us. He delights in us as dear children and nothing can ever take us out of his hand.

2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

So quit being afraid of everything. If your gay neighbors get married, it won’t damage you or your relationship with God at all. Put the pickets down. Learn to delight in people and stop being afraid of them.

So that’s the first thing.

The second problem is this one – we cannot resist the opportunity to inform someone that they are doing something wrong.

Are you grieving loss? You’re doing it wrong.

Are you trying to come to terms with your childhood? You’re doing it wrong.

Are you living in terror? You’re doing it wrong.

Are you ready to report your sexual assault? You’re doing it wrong.

Are you happy about a promotion? You’re doing it wrong.

Are you having a party to celebrate an accomplishment? You’re doing it wrong.

Are you proud of your family? Raising your children? Pregnant? Breastfeeding? Bottle feeding? educating your children? Disciplining your children?

You’re doing it wrong.

I can’t speak for everyone, but in my circles I know where this tendency comes from.

We have a long, long history of being told that only Christians are knowledgeable on every single subject. Only Christians have the TRUTH and so only Christians can rightly teach history, child-rearing, marriage and family, math, economics, healthcare – and we have found bible verses to prove it all.

We are the experts in trauma, depression, anxiety, discipline, raising children, marriage, ADHD, ADD, gender roles, constitutional law, statute law, common law, race, economics – and it is our sworn duty to explain to the whole world that YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!

Don’t you know that “There is not a square inch in the whole domain of our human existence over which Christ, who is Sovereign over all, does not cry, Mine!” (Kuyper). And this, of course, gives me the right as a Christian to explain to you again in all Christian love that YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!!

If we do not explain carefully how everything you are doing is wrong, how on earth can you possibly repent from doing it wrong? And if you don’t repent from doing it wrong, how can you expect God to bless you.

Just quit doing it wrong, do it the other way, and then you will know God’s blessing in your life and all of your problems will disappear.

And then it follows – if you don’t stop doing it wrong, we are going to have to force you somehow.

Whew. And if we miss one opportunity, then the devil gets in the garden, our wife goes out wandering, and next thing you know all hell breaks loose again.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

And then we discover that what we thought was right and good wasn’t Christianity at all. In fact, it wasn’t much different than any other autocratic religion.

I wonder what would happen if we just stopped…

What if we just assumed that people who are truly doing it wrong probably already know that and those that don’t are probably just different than you are and that is OK.

Or maybe it’s not OK and they really are doing it wrong.

I’m probably doing it wrong too.

I grieve wrong. I get anxious over things. I forget things. I grumble when I shouldn’t. I don’t love as I ought.

What I am doing is simply trying to make it from one day to the next day the best I can, walking in God’s love and limping along towards the heavenly city.

Or maybe Jesus is carrying me the whole way. Or maybe I’m limping.

What I know for certain is this – he won’t ever let me go, even when I do everything wrong. And he will lead me by his Spirit and gently guide me exactly where I need to go and so I can just stop.

I wonder what would happen if we just sat with the grieving?

I wonder what would happen if we just listened to the one trying to process trauma?

I wonder what would happen if we just rejoiced when our neighbor got married?

I wonder what would happen if we were proud that our friend was proud of their work and cracked a cold one with him in his garage?

I wonder what would happen if we just stopped that impulse to tell everyone that everything that they are doing is wrong?

Maybe then people wouldn’t ask, “Why are unbelievers so much kinder and gentler than believers?”

Maybe we should listen.

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March 25, 2019 · 11:41 am

Sex and sandwiches

3 But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;
4 Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks. (Eph 5:3-4)

This horrible meme has been floating around – about how a husband needs sex, sandwiches and submission.

I don’t want to link it because I don’t want to give the godless people who support it any more support, even by a click.

But it got me thinking about this false idea promoted by patriarchialists of every stripe. The idea is this: the cure for fornication is to get married.

The problem is that it is unbiblical. Now I know that many of you are thinking about 1 Corinthians 7:

Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. (1Co 7:2)

In fact, there are many false teachers that teach that it is the wife’s duty to make herself available at all times in order to keep her husband from committing adultery or watching porn.

I wish I could tell you how many times I have heard of pastors giving that counsel to wives whose husbands would rather use porn. “Well, are you making yourself available to him?”

We have to do better. All of scripture is inspired by God. There are no contradictions. There is only one route to purity, and it isn’t taking your fornicating heart into the marriage bed. “Let the marriage bed be undefiled”, the scripture says (Heb. 13:4).

What does Paul mean? As a Reformed pastor, I hold to historical/grammatical exegesis. In order to understand any portion of scripture, you have to look at it in the historical context to see what it is addressing. Paul is addressing a specific situation, which he summarizes in 1 Corinthians 7:1. There were those who were teaching that marriage was not good, and a man should just avoid it all together.

But then what about those young couples in love? Do you remember those years when the bloom of spring is upon you and young hearts are turning to love? Do you remember not being able to keep your hands off of each other?

And now some false teacher is forbidding you to marry. Paul says, “What do you think you will accomplish?” God created sexuality and called it “very good”. Let them marry. Let them rejoice in the wife of their youth. Let them give thanks to a good God who created them and who rejoices at their union (Song of Songs 5:1).

In a twist of self-contradictory thinking, many patriarchialists also throw so many obstacles in the way of their sons and daughters dating and getting married that fornication increases ten-fold in those kinds of circles…This is exactly what Paul is addressing to the church at Corinth.

 

Paul is most certainly NOT teaching that the cure for a fornicating and adulterous heart is to inflict yourself upon your wife. He is not teaching spousal rape, sexual abuse and domination – no matter what you call it.

Because Paul wasn’t a fool, who said one thing in one place and another thing in another place. The opposite of fornication, according to Ephesians 5, is thanksgiving.

The opposite of fornication is NOT marriage. It is thanksgiving. “But rather, giving of thanks,” God says.

God created men and women and filled the earth with wonderful, beautiful things. He created beautiful things, things with color, shape, form, texture. He gave men and women bodies and made them beautiful. Sin twisted that beauty. Fornication lashes out at beauty, consuming and devouring it for our own twisted lusts. God, who created men and women, created them to be “one flesh”, with sex and touch and sight and smell and taste all rolled into the relationship. Spirit and matter united in a holy bond of love and unity.

And we made it hateful – possession and conquest, lust and demand, devouring and destroying…

The heart of fornication is this: God isn’t good. His gifts aren’t good. I need to reach out and grab the fruit for myself on my own terms. God will not give me every good thing. When you see the heart of the issue, you see that ingratitude and fornication are different sides of the same coin.

Instead of rejoicing at the beauty of the world, the unthankful heart says, “God just created all sorts of beautiful women and then said, “Don’t touch”. But I’ll show HIM!”

It isn’t enough to have EVERY OTHER tree in the garden. I must have them ALL!

THAT is what fornication is, and that is how it has twisted and devoured beauty as God created it. The powerful seduce and devour and consume the weaker like a rich man roasts and eats a lamb (2 Sam. 12:1-4)

And the cure is not to take your twisted, hateful self and inflict it on your spouse. The cure is to take your naked, sinful self to Christ and throw yourself on his mercy. Listen to the accusation of God’s prophet: “THOU are the man!” and then follow David in repentance and faith.

Then you will know what love is. Then you will see what it means that “Christ loved the church and gave himself for her”.

And that is when you are ready to learn how to love a woman (or a man, as the case may be. I do want to be “gender inclusive” in the call of the gospel).

 

In the Heidelberg Catechism, written over 450 years ago, the Reformers understood that. In the exposition of the 7th commandment, they wrote:

108. What does the seventh Commandment teach us?

That all unchastity is accursed of God, and that we should therefore loathe it with our whole heart, and live chastely and modestly, whether in holy wedlock or in single life.

You CAN be unchaste, unholy, ungodly in wedlock. If you treat your wife like an object to be used, a thing to be broken and discarded, if you refuse to learn what makes her rejoice , then you certainly do not have the heart of Jesus Christ.

Before you can even begin to understand the problem with “Sex, sandwiches and submission”, you must first understand that no one who knows Christ can possibly say such a thing. You are in great danger. Flee the wrath to come.

This is not the heart of a thankful man or woman. This is the heart of fornication – I demand to be served. I demand my own way. I demand that this woman take up the cross and follow ME. I demand sex now…

You have no idea what love is. And you also have no idea what sex is. You understand rape and murder, you understand lies and reviling. But you do not know what love is.

Go and learn what love is at the foot of the cross. Until then, please keep your hands to yourself.

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May 23, 2017 · 9:02 am

How Shame Drives Us From Christ

This story came up in my newsfeed today. I am taking a sick day today, but there is so much wrong here, and it is so prevalent, that I wanted to make a few comments.

For some reason, Evangelical America has decided that shame is an effective way to battle sin. My whole life, I have heard that “Israel forgot how to blush” (Jer. 6:15) which led to their destruction. Therefore (so it is taught) when we catch someone in some kind of sin, the best thing we can do for them is publicly shame them so that they won’t sin any more.

This is actually practiced in so many churches, but it seems to always be selectively applied. The only people I have ever heard of being publicly shamed like this – forced to stand before the whole church, or the whole school, and confess their sins – are teenage girls who are found to be pregnant. I find it abhorrent, and contrary to the gospel of  Christ. And yet, it still seems to be the consistent practice of Evangelical America.

The article linked above does an excellent job in its critique and how it actually encourages abortion. But there are a few theological issues as well.

First, to clarify the Jeremiah passage, the prophet was not addressing those with tender consciences who needed comfort and hope, already plagued with guilt. He was speaking to the hardened, oppressive, idolatrous leaders who were casting their children into the fire, crushing the poor and the widows, and abusing and destroying without any twinges of conscience whatsoever. Jeremiah is rebuking their hardness of heart and was not expecting any repentance from them. It was not written to teach us that shame is an appropriate corrective to sin but to warn us of those with “seared consciences”. There are those who can do the most horrific things and feel no pains of guilt whatever. To apply this passage solely to teenagers found pregnant is simply abusive.

There is no biblical warrant for public confession of private sins. And, no, sex before marriage is not a sin against the whole school – or the whole church, for that matter.

Even in the Old Covenant, before the Gospel of Jesus Christ was fully revealed, two kids who got pregnant before marriage was not considered the worst imaginable sin that must be publicly exposed and shamed. The boy was either to provide a dowry and marry the girl. Or if the father thought that marriage was a bad idea, the boy was to provide a dowry and leave town.  Neither one was stoned or publicly shamed.

That being said, it might be good for us to remember our first parents after their first sin. Shame drove them into the bushes, hiding from the face of God. It was the voice of God that lovingly drew them out of the bushes. “Adam, where are you?”

They didn’t die. God told them the truth, but he didn’t shame them. Rather, he provided for them coverings, pointing to the perfect sacrifice of His Son, to be revealed in due time. Now that the gospel has been revealed to us, we know that the perfect righteousness of Jesus Christ covers our sin and our shame and brings us out of hiding. That is what being a Christian is. We live openly and honestly, not seeking to cover our shame by shaming others, but by coming again and again to the cross. Why an organization that calls itself Christian would drive sinners into the bushes is beyond my understanding.

The kind of “Christianity” practiced by so many, which publically shames young girls for sin, is not the Christianity of the Bible. Shame is intolerable to the human spirit and must be covered. We have only two options: Cover with fig leaves of our own making, or come to Christ for what he has offered us. When we come to Christ, shame is taken away so that we might stand before God and one another. When we try to cover our own shame, we increase it. We may temporarily feel better, but eventually, the shame returns.

The worst part of what happened to this young woman is that she learned about a false Christ – a Jesus who shames sinners, who turns an angry and harsh face on those who confess and repent, who demands his pound of flesh before he offers peace. She was taught that Jesus first ridicules and gleefully watches us weep before he grudgingly offers forgiveness. She was taught that even after she goes through all of that, Jesus is still ashamed to be seen in public with her. She was taught that Jesus was ashamed to be her God, ashamed of her and her baby!

No wonder the young people are leaving the church in droves! They aren’t leaving the Church of Jesus Christ, they are leaving the Church of the Blind Leaders of the Blind.

Jesus came to call us out of hiding. To offer covering for our shame by taking it upon himself. He came, not to ridicule and mock us, but to bear all of that shame and guilt and take it out of the way, nailing it to the cross.

For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers, (Heb 2:11 ESV)

Jesus offers salvation, not shame, to all who come to him in faith. Shame is reserved for those who refuse to come, who refuse to repent. Shame is reserved for the Day of Judgment, but it has no place in the Gospel.

How should the church respond then when a young girl is found to be pregnant?

First, reach out with love and support. Do not pretend that sin is not sin, but respond to it honestly according to scripture. I would hope that the pastor and elders have forged an open relationship with this girl before this happened, so that she will feel safe with them, because there are some important questions. Was this assault? Who is the father? Did she feel compelled? Was there a power imbalance?

If this is simply a boyfriend/girlfriend situation that got out of hand, they will need counseling and help to deal with the shame and guilt that they already feel. Otherwise, if they get married, they will carry that shame and guilt into their marriage bed, which will be damaging to the “one-flesh” relationship. But those are topics that are far bigger than can be addressed here.

But more importantly than all of this, they need to know again the gospel of Jesus Christ. He offers his perfect righteousness without shame, without reproach, without grudging, to all who come to him. No strings, no penance, no public ridicule. This is what the free offer of the gospel IS. It’s about time we got it right.

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June 12, 2015 · 8:26 am

The Pastor’s Great Struggle

13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. (Pro 18:13)

I have had fellowship with many pastors. I also am a pastor. I have had lunch with pastors, talked with pastors, and have even at times tried to reason with pastors as pastors have also tried to reason with me.

There is one particular sin that I see in myself and continually fight against. I think it is probably endemic among pastors, to our shame.

We don’t listen.

We think we do. We nod and go Mmmhmmm a lot. But if the story goes on to long, we want to finish it. If the problem is clear in the first three words, we want to give the answer and get on with things. This is also  my great shame, for which I continuously repent.

We thought we were validated by the early nouthetic counselors: The problem is sin; the solution is repentance. There. Don’t waste any more of my time. I already told you what to do.

But we never listened. It took me years of repentance to begin to understand that most people don’t actually get to the real problem the first time they meet with the pastor. They are simply testing the water to see if we listen.

We usually fail that test and the sheep scurry away. We then wonder why no one talks to us. They don’t talk because we don’t listen.

Reformed pastors, to which tribe I belong,  seem to struggle with this to a greater extent. I don’t know why, but I think I might have a few clues. We are usually well-read, full of book-knowledge, and love to see the inner workings of the great truths of scripture. We are usually well-acquainted with original languages, and have a high regard for the authority and inspiration of scripture. All of these things are great and to be greatly desired. But the devil never rests and sin turns our strengths into folly.

We already know everything, so we don’t need to listen. We already know what the problem is, so we don’t need to hear.

But the Bible doesn’t call this “an area to work on.” Nor does it call this “a weakness”.  It calls this folly and a shame to us.

Shame on us every time we fail to listen. Shame on us every time we don’t hear.

We fail to hear in so many ways: The language of a childhood victim of sexual abuse goes beyond words, but we usually don’t stick around long enough to hear.

We silence the voice of the victims of domestic abuse by repeating the mantra, “God hates divorce.”

The voice of the abuser is decidedly different, for it comes disguised as a sheep.

The voice of those who are hurting and poor and in trouble shout at us all around. We would far rather stand on the corner and shout gospel platitudes than actually listen to them.

If we would open our ears to hear, we would begin to make some sense to the cacophony around us. The voice of the proud, saying, “I am, and there is none like me.”

The voice of the hurt, building barriers around her heart to stop any more pain.

The voice of the oppressed, whispering in the corner.

We don’t hear the matter because we don’t want to. It rattles our windows and shakes our floors and makes our house unsteady. It is an unwanted visitor brought to us by sin and the power of the devil and we think that if we shut our eyes and stop our ears and ignore it perhaps it will politely go away and let us get back to our books.

But

13 Whoso stoppeth his ears at the cry of the poor, he also shall cry himself, but shall not be heard. (Pro 21:13)

That should stop us in our tracks. When we refuse to hear the cry of the ones without strength, God will eventually stop HIS ears when WE cry to Him!

Also implied is the great truth that we ourselves, we pastors who have “so much knowledge” (sarcasm alert), who have everything all together – are just as needy, just as poor, just as helpless as that poor and oppressed one – we ALSO will cry out, and we will be heard to the extent that we heard those who cried to us. This should strike fear into our hearts.

Fellow pastors, we don’t need to do better. We need to repent. We need to learn to hear the cry of the poor and repent of all the times we were too busy, too uncomfortable, too unsure, too occupied with “important things”, to hear.

When we have shut our mouths long enough to listen, then we must open our mouths to speak.

8 Open thy mouth for the dumb in the cause of all such as are appointed to destruction.
9 Open thy mouth, judge righteously, and plead the cause of the poor and needy.
(Pro 31:8-9 KJV)

The phrase translated “such as are appointed to die” is literally “children of vanishing.” They are the ones who are so easily ignored, the ones who suffer quietly because they have been unheard for so long. They are the ones who don’t meet your eye, withdraw into the corner, whisper so low they are hard to hear.

They vanish and are forgotten – except that their names are written in the Lamb’s book of life and He entrusted them to your care and commanded you to hear them and then open your mouth to defend them, to plead their cause.

Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Yes, it will rattle the very foundation of the nice and neat theological house that you built. Yes, the Enemy won’t give up without a fight.

But it is God’s fight, and He commanded you to fight it. And the day will come when you will stand before God and give an account of every idle word. You will be called to account for your listening skills. You will be called to account for your willingness to open your mouth.

Don’t delay. Learn to hear. Learn to speak. Learn to listen.

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June 4, 2015 · 8:43 am

Why we should have learned our catechism…

I don’t know the Duggars. Quite frankly, I’m a bit tired of hearing about them. Two weeks back, I had a vague notion about them having a bunch of kids and some kind of reality show. I wish that was still all that I knew.

But there is something quite disturbing in the air. I deal with it all the time. I have heard it repeated over and over again. It rears its ugly head every time a new scandal erupts. And it is utterly false.

It is the idea that repentance is the same thing as a carefully crafted statement accompanied by tears.

We forget that the first tears of remorse that we shed were by Cain. Esau wept tears of remorse.

In fact, Paul himself said that sorrow is NOT the same as repentance:

9 Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.
10 For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death. (2Co 7:9-10 KJV)

His prayer was that the sorrow of the Corinthians would LEAD to repentance. Sorrow is something quite different than repentance.

Of course, this is no new insight. It was first published in 1583 in the Heidelberg Catechism:

Q&A 88: In how many things does true repentance consist? In two things: the dying of the old man and the quickening of the new.

Q&A 89: What is the dying of the old man? Heartfelt sorrow for sin, causing us to hate and turn from it always more and more.

Q&A 90: What is the quickening of the new man? Heartfelt joy in God through Christ, causing us to take delight in living according to the will of God in all good works.

Notice how beautifully repentance restores life! It is not the same as manipulation in order to gain an earthly goal. It is not a carefully planned statement calculated to make the consequences of your sin to go away. It is heartfelt hatred of sin because it is sin and it is always coupled with a heartfelt joy in doing all of God’s will  – everything written in the law – because that law expresses the will of God, whom we love and serve.

Though we lose every earthly delight, though we are the offscouring of the world, though we are ridiculed and reproached – or worse, ignored – we will take immense joy in knowing that our God is glorified by our quiet and peaceable lives.

I can think of no greater waste of time, at this point, in the countless comments concerning whether or not Josh Duggar has truly repented or not. I don’t care, having never met him and not being given the responsibility to shepherd him.

My biggest concern is that the false doctrine surrounding him and the Village church and every single person that falls into sin be stopped.

Quit thinking that your carefully planned, or even spontaneous, tears are the same as repentance. To repent is to turn away from sin because it is sin and turn towards the living God, because He alone is worthy of worship and honor and obedience. He alone is beautiful and worthy of our adoration and love.

Wipe away your tears; quit blathering into the camera; quit trying to convince me just how sorry you are. Everyone is sorry. Adam and Eve were sorry, and hid in the bushes trying to hide themselves from God. You don’t need to be sorry. You need to repent. You don’t need to convince me, your elders, your pastor,or the world of how sorry you are. You need to repent. Repentance may or may not include tears, but it certainly isn’t the same thing.

Repentance is never a tool to get the victims of your heinous sins to quit calling you on it.

It isn’t a tool to get out of earthly consequences.

True repentance has only one object: to see the smiling face of our heavenly Father. Turn away from the rot and filth of every idol, and seek his face for we know that he is a God who abundantly pardons.

This is also why true repentance cannot ever be the work of natural man. Even David, when he finally understood this, cried out for the Holy Spirit to purge him, make him clean, create in him a new heart. The heart that we all have is ugly and hateful, no matter how many millions say how holy and wise we are. We don’t need the acclaim of men; we don’t need to convince the world. We need a new heart, because God is not mocked. All things are open in the eyes of the One with whom we have to do.

6 Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the LORD, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
(Isa 55:6-7 KJV)

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