Category Archives: Abuse

September 9, 2025 · 9:26 pm

Zero Tolerance

When Dear Leader bemoaned domestic assault as a little fight that is bringing down his crime statistics, most of the world was appalled.

But I’ve been hearing that for decades in the church. I’ve heard the same sentiment from so many pastors and elders I’ve lost track. Here are just a few:

“He just knocked her around a little. It wasn’t real abuse.”

“He just gets frustrated sometimes and mouths off. Doesn’t everyone?”

“Sometimes she just pushes his buttons and he loses control.”

Most of you have heard all of this before.

My view hasn’t changed. I’ve been speaking against the epidemic of abuse in the church since 2012. I’ve heard so many pastors and elders tell me that they hate abuse, they are against abuse, they appreciate abuse – they’ve just never seen abuse.

One man (an elder) told me that “everyone knew that she would wear long sleeves to cover the bruises, and sometimes her eyes would be black. But what can you do? We spoke to him and he apologized. Eventually we had to excommunicate her because she wouldn’t forgive.”

So in the Reformed and Evangelical churches it isn’t that they don’t believe the women. They just don’t care.

When Donald Tr#mp won the primary in 2016, I changed my political party. It was a very difficult thing to get used to. Up until then, I thought abuse, degradation, racism, misogyny and rape were fringe and we stood a chance fighting against it.

When he won, my heart sank and all the spirit went out of me. The spirit of abuse and assault that I had been speaking out against for years became incarnate in an ugly, despicable orange ball of sleaze and won the votes of millions. Even those who had been allies and friends in standing against abuse – they turned their backs on everything they stood for, knowing full well what a troll they were putting in office.

It was as if every child rapist, and every abusive husband, and every covenant-breaking cheat, and every thief and con man became one man – and he painted himself orange and hated everyone.

And all of my friends ate it up. I’ve spent more nights awake than I care to remember.

And it didn’t stop. He stopped even pretending to be anything remotely moral in 2024 and ran on a platform of revenge and spite – and everyone still voted for him.

And now, even if he dies tomorrow, we have a far larger problem in America. The millions that knowingly drank the orange Kool-Aid are still there.

But I think that even worse than Donald being Donald is the spirit that just refuses to see it, refuses to stand up, refuses to say enough.

I don’t want war. I don’t want tanks in the cities. I don’t want violence. Becoming like the Religious Right isn’t the solution.

So how can we, who are disgusted by the whole thing, fight back in a way that is honoring to God?

And I think it is here: Zero tolerance.

We have sat too long in sermons where teenage girls are portrayed as sex object, and didn’t object. Where women are objectified. Where foreigners are mocked.

We have spent too much money on the big evangelical machine that put that same money into electing an evil, twisted human.

We have put too much money in the pockets of James Dobson and followers of Wilson. We have tolerated racial slurs, degradation of humans. We have sat quietly while members of our church talk loudly about F*gg*ts, libtards, feminazis.

We have tolerated Doug Wilson’s books in our book tables. We have filled conferences with the worst sort of people.

We allowed MacArthur and Piper to thrive while our wives and daughters shriveled and died. We gave our money to the worst sorts of humans because they pretended to have a holy calling. We were duped. No more.

We listened to our friends tell us how George Floyd and Emmitt Till should have listened to their betters. We have forgotten about Central Park, Oscarville, Tulsa, Clearlake, Trail of Tears, so many others.

We quit talking about justice for black and brown neighbors. We listen to our friends do their locker talk and pretend it is normal.

We listen quietly disapproving while our colleagues mock the disabled, mock the weak, mock the poor. We listen to the blowhard gripe about the women using SNAP to buy a birthday cake while pouring the concrete for his new summer patio.

I think enough is enough, don’t you?

Zero tolerance. Write your checks to women’s shelters instead of big ticket conference tickets. Let’s put an end to the big evangelical machine. Enough is enough and it isn’t even Christian anyway. Give your money to food banks, sexual assault advocates, domestic violence advocates – but not if they have a fish on their advertisements. Only give if they serve all humans as humans.

When your pastor objectifies his wife, or speaks of teenage girls showing shoulders, walk out. Any mention of hemlines, or clavicles, or purity rings, or tempting men…walk out. We know where it leads now. A little leaven leavens the whole lump. Purge it out.

When he talks about “leadership roles for men” get up and leave. We know where it leads now.

When he values women only because of their ability to make babies, walk out.

If you are able, bring a charge. It won’t go anywhere. Patriarchy is too enmeshed. But don’t tolerate that leaven for another second. It leavens everything.

Remember Phillies Karen? I wish we had the same energy when it came to alienating and exposing the worst men among us. The CEO at the Coldplay concert? That’s what I’m talking about. Zero tolerance.

Expose the darkness. The crude, racist jokes; the sexual innuendo; the misogynistic banter; the “boys will be boys” talk. The ridicule of the poor; the rounding up of the foreigner, the chaining of the Asians – if you are going to support that, I’m going to call you on it. I’m done.

Say out loud – Enough. You won’t talk like that around me. You won’t call your wife that around me. You won’t joke about how that black man deserved what he got around me. You won’t degrade or contemn someone’s humanity around me. You won’t involve yourself in their sexual or gender choices. You won’t use slurs in the line and the grocery store. I’m done. If you want to act like a horrible person, I’m going to call you on it. You can call me woke, SJW, or whatever you want. I’ve been called worse.

But it ends here. No more.

If you want to fight back with whatever power you have, join me. Make it really uncomfortable for people

to be horrible around you.

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May 14, 2025 · 2:53 pm

I grieve

I am grieving, and have been for years.

In 2010, I had my world shattered with the reality of abuse, and the apparent inability of the Reformed world to address it.

I thought it was an anomaly; I thought that my colleagues would love to be trauma-informed and study with me how to better serve their neighbor.

Instead, they ignored me. They whispered their insults and names, and thought that I didn’t hear them. They started passing my blog around among themselves and shaking their head sadly.
I persisted.

In 2016, when Trump won the primary, I changed by party affiliation. I thought that the accusations that the GOP was racist, misogynist, abusive and greedy were simply slanders – and then they elected Trump and I realized that it wasn’t a slander. They said then “We’ll we don’t like a lot about him, but we can’t have Hilary, so we have to hold our nose of vote Trump.”

I watched my beautiful country and my beloved church become hard, contemptuous, hateful, divisive – and I realized that they didn’t vote Trump in spite of his revolting wickedness, but because of it. They liked it.

They liked his railing, his lies, his contempt, his hatred.

And then in 2020, on January 6th, I said, “Now they will see.” And they didn’t.

I watched my former friends and my former circles reject every single bit of morality that they preached about for years.

They twisted themselves into knots justifying everything he did.
“Let Trump be true, and every man a liar” became their motto.

He consistently and brazenly bragged about breaking every single commandment of God, and the evangelical, reformed world shouted AMEN.

I believed my church was concerned about morality. I was wrong.

I believed my country would wake up with the mountains of evidence piling up. I was wrong.

And here is why I am grieving now.

I now see that my country is Babylon. We used to side with the beautiful, the downtrodden and the oppressed.

Now America sides with the oppressor, the tormentors, the rich, the violent, the immoral, those who give and receive bribes.

We are no longer great. We are now Babylon, and the fall will be tremendous.

Every single characteristic of the beast and the false prophet given in the scripture matches our country and its religion to a tee.

And I am grieving the loss. I am weeping at the destruction to come.

And I can’t get over the fact that it was the “conservative church” that that enabled every step.

I grieve that what could have been such a powerful force for good sold its soul to an orange con man who can’t even string a complete sentence together coherently.

I grieve that the blindness is complete and now there is no one at the gate.

I grieve.

I grieve and I still write for the same reason that I started in 2010 – to give hope to the oppressed, that God sees and God judges and he will return in glory to bring back beauty once again.

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January 23, 2025 · 3:13 pm

Complementarianism and Abuse

In which I come out as fully egalitarian and plead with you. In which I make the case that abuse and complementarianism necessarily go hand in hand. And a plea to men to finally begin to listen to their wives.

I used to consider myself in the complementarian camp. I even attempted to make an argument that women cannot serve as pastors or elders in a church – which I regret. I am now fully egalitarian.

The main reason that I am fully egalitarian is that I do not find any of the scriptures used by complementarianism to subjugate women to be compelling. (If you take this as permission to mansplain to me why I am wrong, save your writing. I’ve heard all the arguments and the exegesis is poor, the hermeneutic is poorer and the scholarship is poorer still.)

Quite simply, the gospel makes no distinction between male and female – neither ontologically, as image-bearers of God, nor in “role”. But that isn’t why I’m posting this.

I’m posting this for the SECOND reason why I am fully egalitarian. Jesus said that you will know false teaching by the fruit. And the fruit of complementarianism is ugly and rotten to the core. A simple glance at the response of the complementarianism to Bishop Budde, or simply listening to what our sisters have endured in complementarian churches is enough to demonstrate the stench of the rotten fruit.

Abuse, degradation, silencing, ridicule, threats, bullying, excommunications and other forms of spiritual and physical abuse have been thoroughly documented in complementarian churches for those who wish to see it.

At this point, I know that there are many of you who will say, “not my church” – and if that is actually the case, I am thankful.

But there is a deeper problem. Before I get there, I want to define complementarianism:

Complementarianism and egalitarianism are theological views on the relationship between men and women, especially in marriage and in ministry. Complementarianism stresses that although men and women are equal in personhood, they are created for different roles. Egalitarianism also agrees that men and women are equal in personhood but holds that there are no gender-based limitations on the roles of men and women (Christianity.com)

If you are complementarian, you need to define what those “roles” are, and that is where it gets sticky. One role is “silence in church.” Complementarians believe that women are forbidden by God to teach or govern in the church.

And then they need to justify that belief. I know, I used to be there myself. Some soft complementarians, like I was, believe that women and men are equally gifted, equally human, but for reasons inscrutable, God has forbidden women from holding office. But, if they are like me, they cannot hold that position for long because it is troublesome. I can only say, “ummm – for reasons…” for so long before I have to abandon that position.

Others come up with reasons for positing different roles using poor exegesis and analytical skills. They say,

“Women are more emotional than men”

“Women are called to stay home and submit to their husbands”

“Women simply cause trouble and if you give them power, they want to take over everything”

“Someone has to be in charge, and God gave that position to men”

“Because men are rational, masculine, god-like, non-emotional – and…reasons”

These are all the arguments I heard growing up. I never accepted any of them. It just took me years to realize that my rejection of those arguments were really a rejection of complementarianism.

So this is my “coming out” if you will.

I ask all of your forgiveness for my previous statements that women cannot hold office in the church. There is nothing either in the scripture or in the confessions of the church that mandate such a position.

But why is it that holding a complementarian position is not only unbiblical, but dangerous to women? Why is the almost universal climate in complementarian churches an unsafe climate for women?

And here is the answer: When a man abuses, degrades, or assaults a woman, he never does it in front of witnesses.

And complementarianism teaches that women are unreliable, untrustworthy and too emotional to witness the truth – at least not to the extent that a MAN can.

Any argument that one uses to keep women out of the pulpit ALSO keeps them out of the discussion as reliable witnesses.

Bishop Budde was rejected, ridiculed and shut down by Denny Burk simply BECAUSE she is a woman, NOT because she was wrong, and this is important for us men to understand.

When a woman seeks to complain that a sermon made her uncomfortable, that she feels unsafe at church, that something about the pastor is off – complementarian husbands generally will listen – if they love their wives – but deep inside there is a place where they will discount her experience because she is emotional, irrational, of just didn’t hear it right. Just as Burk and so many others shut down the Bishop – she is wrong because she is a woman, and women cannot teach men – so also even good men in a complementarian environment tend to shut down their wives. If they listen, then they have been taught by a woman. And everything that they hear in church is that it is WRONG for a woman to teach a man, especially her husband.

My wife went to the hardware store to buy a water heater this week. She did the research and asked the man at the store if he could explain the difference between the 45000 BTU and the 30000 BTU heater. He gaped at her. Patted the machine and said, “This is a WATER HEATER” in his best mansplaining voice.

Expected in a hardware store. An absolute crisis when it happens in the church.

Barak was only given one choice. Listen to the woman or die.

Josiah only had one choice. Listen to Huldah or die.

The wise woman who threw Sheba’s head over the wall saved the city – Joab listened to her.

Abraham was commanded to listen to his wife.

Lydia brought the gospel to Philippi.

The women brought the good news of the gospel to the men.

And we wouldn’t know anything about the virgin birth if we do not hear Mary’s voice.

We wouldn’t have Romans if Phoebe wasn’t a brave, capable godly woman.

Because when it comes down to it, whether the voice is male or female doesn’t matter. Is it true? is the only question that matters.

Brothers, your sisters have been telling you for decades that they are not safe in complementarian churches.

They are telling you that they are not safe in complementarian circles.

They are not safe in the current political climate.

We haven’t listened, and we are being overrun by the chariots of Sisera. Baal worship is filling the temple of God and we have erected our orange idol in the Holy of Holies, because he promised us power.

The state of the evangelical church is dismal. It is buried under the bones of our sisters, as was every temple of Baal.

The victims are clawing at the threshold, dying at our doorsteps but our religion forbids us to hear them, to rescue them, to even listen to them. We would rather die and rot than be “taught by a woman”.

That is the fatal flaw in complementarianism. In order to protect ourselves from the imaginary witch of feminism, we have thrown Jesus outside the church and made it a safe place for the worst sort of scum and villainy. In order to make ourselves “safe” from the opinions and thoughts of women, we threw them out of the Holy Place and into the kitchen and when they tried to be heard over our self-congratulations, we called them “Jezebels” and cast them out completely.

And now the sheep are gone, and only the wolves remain.

The church has become a den of thieves, a safe-haven for criminals.

We were warned. And the women who warned us over and over again were cast out.

So forgive me if you say, “Not all complementarian churches”. If you WERE a danger to women, how would you know when you won’t allow them to speak except to a room full of abusive men who have already decided that women are too emotional, too deceived and too irrational to be believed?

For you men out there who truly love your wives and daughters, please ask them that question and be open to their responses:

When was the first time that they were sexualized at church?

When was the first time they didn’t feel safe in Sunday school?

When was the first time they were dismissed and silenced?

When was the first time they felt as if a man was shunning them as if they were unclean?

And ask them this question – if they were assaulted by a leader in your church, would she go to the pastor or to the other elders for help?

And please listen to her.

If she is not safe at church, it doesn’t matter how “orthodox” they are. You will know them by their fruit.

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July 26, 2024 · 7:30 am

Abuse, divorce, denial and authoritarian men

Many years ago, back when I was first beginning to learn and write about the problem of assault in conservative marriages, I was in a conversation with another minister in my denomination.

He thanked me for my study and my work on assault, agreed with me that there was much work that needed to be done and asked what more could be done.

I mentioned that oftentimes the church has a very poor response to accusations of domestic assault and will force the woman back into the marriage over and over again, putting her life and the lives of her children in danger. He made all of the appropriate spiritual humming noises. “Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm.” You know how it goes.

I thought I was making progress.

He said, “What about repentance? Can’t an abuser repent?”

I said, “In most cases, repentance is a matter of saying some words, crying some tears, and other manipulative tactics to coerce the victim to put herself back under the power of the abuser. This is why” I continued “I never counsel or even suggest that an abused spouse return to the marriage. I always emphasize their safety above everything else.”

After making more appropriate spiritual humming noises, the minister responded, “We had a case just a few months ago. The wife would come to church year after year. We all knew that she was being abused. She had bruises and wore sunglasses. We could all see it. It went on for about 20 years. Finally she decided she had enough and moved out. We supported her.

“But then he came to the elders, and I’m telling you, Sam, I have never seen anyone as repentant as that guy was. He was really broken up about all his failings. He confessed them all and asked her forgiveness. But her heart was so hard and bitter towards him that she refused to take him back. We finally had to excommunicate her for refusing to forgive.”

I died a little inside. I shared with him that what he described is a typical abuser strategy; that all of them do the exact same thing in order to get what they want.

I even shared with him our confession of faith – that repentance is the dying of the old man and the making alive of the new man. It isn’t words and tears.

There is a sorrow that leads to death. Even if his sorrow was genuine, like Esau’s, it isn’t the same as repentance.

And there is one more thing that is even more crucial than that. Even if it were possible to read the heart and determine that a man IS truly repentant, this does not change the fact that his covenant is broken, and that HE is the one who broke the covenant. She will have damage and triggers for the rest of her life.

She will remember the hymns she tried to sing after he broke her jaw. She will remember the smell of the aftershave when he raped her. She will remember what was cooking when he punched her.

She will remember the words. The mouth that kissed her and spoke sweet nothings to her that now say, “I hate you. You disgust me. You are fat and ugly, no one wants you.”

Those wounds don’t just go away with words.

After this conversation, I realized that we still had a massive amount of work to do. I started it until I finally had to part ways with my denomination.

I found out then that most ministers and elders are actually opposed to abuse. They will speak loftily and spiritually about the horrors of domestic violence…UNTIL it actually takes up space in THEIR congregations.

Then, by far the easiest option is to side with the abuser. It is far easier if she would just be quiet and quit making a fuss. If he would just say sorry and they could go back to everything being normal again.

And this is where we lose most of the officers of the church.

The deplore abuse – BUT

“I know that guy. He isn’t an abuser”

“It wasn’t really abuse. I’ve seen real abuse”

“He was really repentant”

“It wasn’t really abuse; she just pushed his buttons enough and he snapped. Could’ve happened to anyone”

No matter what you say, there is always a reason why what is happening in THEIR congregation isn’t abuse.

We hate abuse. We just never see real abuse…you’ve all heard it.

We just saw it when it made national news.

But this has been going on for decades.

The heart of the problem is here:

Why is it that they believe that a group of white, middle aged, conservative men have absolute infallibility over the lives of women? There can be no error, they are so sure of their infallibility that they will literally put a woman’s life on the line over it.

What on earth is an “ecclesiastical divorce”? If you are in these circles, you’ve heard the term. It is the idea that one must get divorced in the church BEFORE they are allowed to get a legal divorce.

Why do we continually talk about “grounds for divorce” rather than talk about safety and liberty?

Why does the liberty we are given in Christ only apply to men? Are not wives and daughters co-heirs of Christ? Are they not worth protecting?

What gives a small group of men the right to determine what does or does not constitute abuse? Did not Jesus say that even saying “You fool” or “Raca” is abusive and the equivalent of murder? (he was not sin-leveling, but that is a different subject)

One step further:

Where is this woman now to go? She has been branded an “adulteress”. She has been expelled from her friends and her faith. She most like will never set foot in a similar congregation again, or ANY congregation. If you have not gone through a public “church trial” you have no idea what it does to you.

She was abused by her husband and found safety. She was abused by her church, and finally found safety.

And now, the same people that demanded that she return to her husband are also demanding that she return to church and “stop disobeying God”.

Do you think that these things might be related?

Jesus has his people everywhere. He knows his own, he gathers his own together.

But maybe those who belong to Christ need to flee for a time. Maybe they will gather in homes or caves or coffee shops or online. Maybe God meets with them two or three at a time, binding up wounds, releasing the prisoner, healing the sick and bringing justice to the outliers.

And maybe the church needs to repent just as surely as the abusive husband needs to repent.

Something to think about, anyway.

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June 17, 2024 · 5:11 pm

Engaging a Muscovite

My goal is to bring peace to the soul. So I offer this suggestion for the furtherance of a quiet and peaceful spirit.

If you try to reason with a Doug Wilson supporter, it is not possible for you to succeed. The evidence of his wickedness in thought, word and deed is so ponderous at this point that the only way someone would continue to support him is if there is something drastically wrong with his (or her) soul.

If you quote something horrendous that Wilson has said, they will tell you that you are quoting it out of context.

If you accuse him of racism, bigotry, supporting white supremacists and child molesters, they will demand proof.

If you supply proof in the form of 100 quotes, publications, videos and blogs, they will accuse you of being on a witch hunt.

If you point out the volumes of proof on his plagiarism, they will throw someone else under the bus and defend their pope at all cost, even though Pope Wilson’s name is on the books. It will always be “someone else’s fault”.

If you accuse his fanboys of adultery, child rape, domestic abuse, or any other horrendous crimes, no matter what proof you have, it will always be the fault of the woman, the child or the wife.

They seduced him, they flaunted themselves at him, they wouldn’t obey him quick enough…

If you state his positions in his own words, and then quote the hundreds of churches and centuries of church history that have declared him wrong, you will get demands to provide your prooftexts.

If you disengage at this point, you will be accused of cowardice and false witness, as if you are throwing out accusations without evidence.

If you decide to engage, it will not matter how many passages you cite, they will change the definitions of words, twist your words, invent new doctrines out of cloth, misdirect and finally accuse you of hating the bible and being a liberal and “what is wrong with America”. They will take “Gaslighting” to staggering new levels.

If you say that he publicly called two women “c***s” they will accuse you of slander.

If you provide the evidence where in his own words on his own blog he called two women a couple of “c***s” they will accuse you of taking it out of context, justifying the language because of “culture wars” and say that he is a little “salty” at times but that doesn’t take away all the good that he is doing…

You will also be accused of being effeminate, against the gospel, a feminist, a communist, a troublemaker, a sower of strife. If you are a woman, you will be called a Jezebel with a Jezebel spirit.

When you have members of your congregation who support Wilson, or refuse to acknowledge his wickedness, they will eventually destroy your congregation. They always do.

I am close to sixty years old now. 30 years ago, I decided foolishly to engage a Wilson supporter. I will never do so again.

Sometimes, they trick you into thinking that you are engaging with them in an honest discussion in a Christlike way. But the point is not truth or love. The point is to suck you in and destroy your peace. They are not interested in discovering the truth. They only want to destroy you.

They speak of warfare, and they mean every word.

There is only one way to engage a Wilsonite. Click on their profile. Go to where it says, “Friends”, and select “Block.”

This will need to be repeated on all of your social media channels.

Be careful on Messenger, because they often use their wife’s profile to suck you back in.

It is always a trap.

It is for this reason that I will never, under any circumstances, join any sort of discussion group with the word “Reformed” or “Presbyterian” or “Calvinist” or “pub” in the title. Those places are their hives. It’s where the hornets live. They will sniff you out in minutes and go after you, your family, your kids, your friends.

It’s a shame, really, because there is much in Reformed theology that I still find quite edifying. But now Reformed and Presbyterian churches have a fatal flaw.

They have never used hornet spray. Yes, they have said, “Now, don’t be nasty, hornets. Now stop being that way, hornets. But they have never gotten out the spray and run them out. They have sacrificed the people of God in order to provide a hive for the hornets. And now the nests have taken over and will destroy everything they touch.

And I know that now the hornets will come out demanding proof and scripture and writings, and hours and hours of work from me, which I will decline. It has been documented far, far more than anything Dahmer did, anything Bundy did, or anything that any criminal has done. The amount of documentation is staggering. The only way to pretend to not know it is to be purposefully closing your eyes. So excuse me if I don’t engage.

Again, only one way to further peace. “Block.” “Delete”; “repeat.”

I always imagined that the False Prophet would be way cooler and far more seductive than that guy.

 

If you have been stung one too many times by the hornets and don’t think you will ever find peace, book some time with me at www.sampowellministries.com

 

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May 9, 2024 · 7:38 pm

9 things about Marriage and Divorce in the Bible

1. The Bible was written in the context of a patriarchal culture. But everything that the Bible promises is the obliteration of the patriarchal culture in the kingdom of Christ, where there is no more male or female, rich or poor, bond or free, but all are one body in Christ.

2. The instructions on marriage and divorce in both the Old and the New Testaments were given to protect the weak – particularly the women and children – from the power of the strong. Redemption would only come from Jesus. But the law was designed to give a measure of protection from the worst abuses until Jesus came.

3. The Bible does not say or teach anything like “God hates divorce”.

4. The leaders of the Jews were in the middle of a debate about whether Deuteronomy 24 teaches that a man could kick his wife out for any reason . This is the background behind Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 5 and Matthew 19. It has nothing to do with a woman fleeing an abusive spouse.

5. There is no such thing as either an “ecclesiastical divorce” or a “marriage in the eyes of God”.

6. According to the Bible, if one is married, one is married. If one is divorced, one is divorced. There is no category for perpetual separation. It only breeds confusion. 1 Corinthians 7 is addressing another issue entirely.

7. There are no instructions anywhere about getting the permission of your church leaders before filing for divorce. Apparently this practice only began after the church took over the duties of the magistrate after the fall of Rome. Wherever it came from, there isn’t a whisper of it in the Bible. You don’t have to ask the elders’ permission to marry. You also don’t need their permission to divorce.

8. If you have fled a spouse, filed a divorce, separated from a spouse and are now convicted that your reasoning was indeed sinful, God has washed you completely clean, you have no stigma, no stained garment and no spoiled rose. Christ’s blood is powerful and effective against every stain. Make whatever amends you need to make, right whatever wrongs you need to right, and move on.

9. Any theology that one espouses that makes one the superior of another one of God’s children – no matter what language you use – is not from God. You can call it “loving leadership”, or “Covenant headship” or “leadership roles” or right of creation, or anything else you wish – the fact remains. No where, in all of scripture, does a person have a God-given right to rule over the body and soul of another human being. King James called it “The divine right of kings”; White southern Presbyterianism called it the “order of creation” for whites to rule over blacks. And modern theobros call it “gender roles”. It boils down to the same garbage. To be a Christian is to become the slave of all – (Phil. 2), just as Christ did, and love our neighbor, including our spouses, with the same love with which we love ourselves.

 

More to come. If you are in danger, or live with abuse – whether spiritual, physical, emotional, or sexual, please find safety. Please call 1-800-799-SAFE

God redeemed you, body and soul to be free. He did not redeem you to become the target of an angry spouse’s rage. He desires to set you free.

If you would like to talk these things over, please make an appointment with me at www.sampowellministries.com

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February 9, 2024 · 5:18 am

Getting the wrong answer

When I was a child, we had a teacher that believed in shaming and hurting children who did poorly on tests. If they missed a certain number of answers, they were called to the front of the class and told to “assume the position” and given a “swat”.

To us, it just seemed like normal childhood. As I grew up I realized how abusive that is.

Then I realized that so many churches, especially churches that should know better, have the same policy.

If you get the answer wrong, you will be “beaten” and shamed. And they will also follow you relentlessly to make sure that the proper beating is administered.

But a church is to be a community of fellowship. Where ideas can be shared without shame and fear, where we trust the power of the Holy Spirit and the blood of Christ. Where we listen to one another, bear with one another, share ideas with one another without fear and examine those ideas in a fellowship of communion and peace.

Far too often, men and women are terrified into silence. Men and women who diverge from the acceptable opinions are tried and found wanting, driven away, insulted, reviled, and shamed. And these acceptable opinions change with the times and whatever political wind happens to be blowing.

This could be why so many in Reformed churches get a “deer in the headlight” look at fellowship time when you ask a question – if they get the answer wrong, they will be ostracized, driven out, figuratively (or literally, if you are a woman in some circles) beaten.

There were pastors in my denomination that beat children who didn’t memorize the catechism correctly.

The catechism must be recited word for word. The acceptable answers grow continually each day and you had better know what the answer is.

I even wrote a series of the kinds of unspoken questions that you are expected to answer correctly, but I deleted them. I’m still afraid of the beating. (I know – childhood trauma raising its head).

And through it all, the unspoken doctrine was this: Jesus hates people who get the answers wrong.

And then one day I saw something astounding. Jesus’ disciples got the answers wrong a LOT. And he loved them, washed their feet, and loved them to the end.

And he patiently led them, taught them, bore with them, and commanded them to do the same.

And in 1 Corinthians 12, he reminded all of his disciples that there are many different parts in one body, so that we might learn to love people who answer the questions differently than we might.

It’s been a learning curve for me, and I’ve taken some beatings. But some beatings are worth it. I’ll take a beating for the gospel of peace anytime.

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April 22, 2023 · 4:42 pm

But Can’t God Change an Abuser’s Heart?

This question comes up a lot. It is no secret that I have taught frequently that abuse is grounds for divorce. I believe that even ONE time of physical violence or expression of hatred is a breaking of the vows (or the covenant, if you prefer) of marriage. The innocent party has every right to get whatever legal assistance she (or he) needs, up to and including divorce.

I also believe that the one who has been harmed is able to judge their safety far better than I can, and I will support whatever they decide to do.

But when I say that, it is almost certain the someone will quote 1 Peter 3 to me.

3 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear. (1 Pet. 3:1–2.)

But understanding the context of a passage is crucial to understanding the passage. Peter is speaking of women newly converted, learning about their freedom in Christ, and asking what to do about their husbands who do not believe.

It isn’t about abusive husbands in the 21st century. If a man (or a woman) breaks their vows, and divorce is possible, that is another subject.

In this passage, Peter is addressing newly converted wives. Just as with male converts, the greatest witness one can have is to shine the meekness and restfulness in heart to a restless and proud world.

But maybe that would be another blog.

For now, I would like to answer the question, “But can’t God convert my abusive husband?”

Or the pastor tells you to stick in your marriage, even if you are in danger, because God can change a man’s heart.

Abusers know that this is the hope of the believer, because they use it to keep their victims in bondage. “I know I’ve been a bad husband, but I am changing. God is working in me. I am going to be better. I know I’ve hurt you but I’m really going to try to stop.”

So let’s look at that question.

Can God change an abuser. Of course he can.

But now let’s talk about wisdom. We know, first of all, that the change of a man’s heart (or a woman’s heart) takes the almighty power of God, the same power that created the world and raised Jesus from the dead. Apart from God’s almighty, supernatural power, there is no redemption or salvation. It is nothing less than a re-creation from the shambles of the ruined one.

In other words, regeneration is a miracle of God’s power. It is not natural. It is not a part of the order of creation. It is God reaching into history and breaking the power of sin and death by the death and resurrection of his begotten son, and the indwelling of the Spirit of Life.

Jesus changing water to wine was also a miracle by the almighty power of the Creator. So was his walking on the water.

Jesus enabled Peter to walk on water. He gave the apostles the power to cast out demons and heal the sick.

But that is not in the ordinary order of creation. WE, as humans, do not have an audience in the throne room of God, and are not privy to the roll sealed inside and out. We don’t know what God is going to do. But we CAN act according to wisdom.

Knowledge of God’s power teaches us that Jesus can enable us to walk on water. Wisdom teaches us to build bridges. This also is honoring to God and his creative power.

Knowledge of God’s power teaches us that Jesus can turn water into wine. Wisdom teaches us to get a job and find a good wine vendor.

Knowledge of God’s power teaches us that Jesus can heal the sick. Wisdom teaches us to get vaccinated and go to a doctor.

And here is the pertinent one. Knowledge of God’s power teaches us that God can take the vilest sinner, even an abusive man, and make him a servant, giving him a new heart and a new spirit.

But wisdom teaches us that as a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly (Proverbs 26:11).

We are not to tempt God, placing our lives in danger in the hopes that he will work a miracle. We are to live in wisdom, according to the natural order of creation.

A fool remains a fool.

Wisdom teaches us that a man who abuses an animal will also abuse his wife.

Wisdom teaches us that a man who strangles his lover has an extremely high probability of killing her eventually.

Wisdom teaches us that an angry man with a gun will eventually shoot someone in rage.

Wisdom teaches us that a man with no control over his anger will continue to have no control over his anger.

Wisdom teaches us that a woman who enjoys manipulation and control will continue to enjoy manipulation and control.

And wisdom teaches us that a man who enjoys manipulation, power, control, and inflicting pain and terror will continue to enjoy manipulation, power, control and inflicting pain and terror.

Let these words sink into your head. Your love won’t change him. Your pleas won’t change him. Your begging won’t change him.

You can’t convince him to live as a decent human being because he doesn’t want to and you can’t shame him into it.

The only hope for him is if God changes his heart.

And the wind blows where it will; God has mercy on whom he will have mercy and whom he will he hardens.

Hard truths, but that is how we are called to live.

Walk in love, live in kindness, expect the gospel to work in the hearts of men and women. But live in wisdom. Let God be God. The softening of the proud heart is too hard for you.

It is OK for you to free yourself of that burden.

One final note – wisdom lives according to the order of the created universe. Faith lives according to the promises. If you are a believer and love the Lord Jesus, he has promised you that he will complete that work in you. It IS a supernatural work and therefore not according to the order of the universe, but it is a promise of our almighty father. He WILL complete that work, because he has promised. So you can certainly rest in him. 


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March 18, 2023 · 8:11 am

Husbands, love your wives

I received this comment on one of my blogs. I appreciate that Jon took the time to write, as it gives me an opportunity to draw a distinction between two different religions – modern patriarchy and Christianity. They are not the same, as we will see.

Here is the comment:

It surprised me that this conversation went straight to divorce. I realized many years ago that my happiness does not depend on my wife and that the happiness of my wife does not depend upon me. Once I realized this I made decisions for the family without asking permission, but with giving guidance. As the leader I realized all that was needed was guidance and conviction that I was operating under the leadership of the Holy Spirit. I made decisions, informed my wife of those decisions and did not stop until the task was done. I protected my family as best I could from any tough repercussions from that decision and when the task was complete my family reaped the rewards and were happy.
This all meant that I had to be in lock step with the Spirit and I had to follow through with all my decisions to the end. The worst was having to deal with a wife who was against me for the decision I was making. Previously I would have surrendered my will to what my wife desired which was perceived safety and security. I fought through those issues and was prepared to face the challenges of the task at hand whether it be a business decision or a move or a remodel. Anything I chose to do brought initial kickback from my wife, but follow through and determination brought success and more willingness by my family to trust my decision making.
It is the man’s job in the family to lead. If he allows the fears of the wife to stop any progress, the the family will be stuck. There will be resentment towards the wife and then the man can do very hurtful things.
I am not blaming women. I am blaming men for not being leaders and following through, ignoring in many cases the fears of the wife. Weak men cannot lead a family to victory. Until I became strong I was resentful and hurtful. Now I lead and my family has never been happier and so very successful. My wife and children are honored in the church and community. They are blessed. It is because I quit blaming them and took responsibility for my own actions.
If I have any suggestions for wives, it is to submit to your husband and honor his decisions and hold him accountable to follow through and support him throughout the process. To be patient with the process because everything takes time to complete. Often longer than expected. Do not kill his spirit because once that happens, often to weak men, it will end up in an irreparable relationship.

Dear Jon. The essence of being human is being an image-bearer of God. We are created with the ability to discern between good and evil, to make decisions, to interpret the world, to think and feel and shine God’s beauty and love to the world around us.

We were created to have dominion over all creation and be the voice of praise to the creator, to rest in his presence and join our voices to his in saying, “Behold, it is very good.”

This image-bearing was gifted equally to the male as well as to the female (Genesis 1:27).

God’s beauty and wisdom and love and justice are infinite. Humans are not. But God shows his wisdom by the remarkable diversity in all of creation, including the wonderful different gifts and personalities in each human that he created, male or female.

Of course, when the fall entered, mankind lusted after dominating each other, rather than having dominion over creation and disharmony entered. Men and women became slaves to sin, and there was nothing they could do about it.

So instead of marvelous freedom and diverse gifts and beautiful harmony, there entered domination, slavery, control, and pride. Men and women became slaves to sin.

This was pictured beautifully in Egypt. The whole story of our redemption is painted on the background of the Exodus, where the nation of Israel was redeemed from their hard bondage in Egypt to be the people of God in liberty and joy. Their slavery was so strong that the strength of men could not deliver them. Men could not work up enough will power to deliver them. The husbands could not bring about deliverence through their manliness. They were enslaved and powerless. But God delivered them with his outstretched arm. Both Moses and Miriam sing at the destruction of Pharaoh’s army.

But that was just a picture. As you know from the story, the slavery in Egypt was broken, but the slavery to sin was as powerful as ever. God gave the law from Sinai, and within a few days, Israel was worshiping golden calves. With a golden calf, they believed that they could control Jehovah. A God who speaks, who enters covenants freely, who loves, is actually terrifying because of the bondage of sin. The God who is cannot be controlled. All we can do is rest in his love.

But in order to rest in Jehovah’s love, we have to give up control and believe in the name of the One who Saves.

You can worship control, or you can worship The God Who Saves. But you can’t do both.

On the cross, Jesus broke the bonds of sin and death and misery. The law couldn’t do it. Authority and submission couldn’t do it. If man could have been made righteous by the law, Christ died in vain.

The problem was slavery and powerlessness. We are all subject to death.

Christ delivered us from the fear of death and the power of sin that we might serve him without fear, with our full restored image of God, reflecting his tremendous beauty and wisdom as we were created to do.

When the Holy Spirit was poured out on the church (Acts 2), it was poured out on men and women, old men and maidens. And later that included rich and poor, Greek and Jew, bond and free.

Satan hates God and hates his image. He seeks to silence the voice, crush the will, destroy the spirit. But Jesus died to set his people free. He governs his church by his word and spirit, NOT by tables of stone. He writes the law on the heart.

This means that your wife has equal access to the spirit that you have. The spirit was not poured out on you alone. Throughout scripture, God spoke through holy men AND women and held his people accountable for listening to them.

God could have spoken directly to Barak. But he spoke to him through Deborah. Barak could listen to her and live. Or hold on to his masculine pride and die. Sisera wasn’t defeated by testosterone, but by the power of God.

The two central doctrines of Christianity, the virgin birth and the resurrection, were witnessed by the women. The men could listen to them and live. Or they could ignore them and die. By God’s grace, the apostle’s repented of their hardness of heart and listened to the women.

So one question to answer is this – how certain are you that YOU are the one being led by the spirit and not your wife?

It is not the Spirit of Christ that silences the voices of his people. I fear that you are unaware of the spirit that you are operating under. But Christ came to restore us to his image, not silence us and keep us in bondage.

You are treating your wife like Pharaoh treated the Israelites. This is NOT Christianity. Peter commanded YOU to treat your wife as a co-heir of eternal life, not like one who is still in bondage to sin and misery. You are taking one verse out of context and deriving a whole new religion.

Your religion is a religion of control, not peace. A religion of authority and submission, not rest. A religion of bondage, not freedom of conscience. A religion where YOU are the golden calf, seeking to control the power of God.

This is paganism, not Christianity. If the Holy Spirit is poured out on you, it is also poured out upon your wife, and you will answer to him about how you treated his sheep.

I pray fervently that you will either repent of your cruelty, or that God will provide freedom for you wife. Treating her like this is oppressive and wicked. You are not loving her as Christ loved the church and set her free.

The scripture does not say, “Love your wife as Ahasuerus loved Vashti.”

Nor does it say, “Love your wife and Nabal loved Abigail”.

Nor, “Love your wife and Pharaoh loved Israel”.

All of those examples are examples of wicked men seeking to control people, rather than watching them thrive in freedom.

Love your wife as Christ loved the church. And how did he love his church? Read Philippians 2 carefully. He took the lowest place. He became a slave to all. He gave himself that she might be free.

Assume that your wife is an image-bearer of God and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. Set her free. If you belong to Christ, it is what he has done for you. So how dare you use that liberty as an excuse to enslave your wife and crush her voice?

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February 24, 2023 · 5:57 pm

Believing her, and “false accusations”

This morning, on Facebook, I wrote this:

When someone has been abused, their abuser has also worked very hard to convince them and everyone else that they are liars.

You should be able to understand why.

The fact of human nature is that wicked people can do far worse things to one another than we can possibly imagine. Even people of your own tribe can do unspeakable things to one another.

When we say “I believe you” when someone shares their story, we have given them space to heal, space to breathe, and have gifted them with the first step to their healing and peace. We have borne their burden with them and told them that they are not alone. They are three of the most powerful words we can say.

“I believe you.”

Those words are like water in a desert land, food for a starving man; One spends their life hiding, fearing, silently hoping that she (or he) could speak and someone, anyone would believe them.

We don’t do so well with that. They finally get up the courage to speak up, and most of the time we try everything we can think of to not believe them.

“Are you sure?”

“People don’t act like that.”

“Were there witnesses?”

“We need to get both sides of the story.”

Because if they are lying, then we can continue to pretend that our lives are safe and normal and predictable. But if they are telling the truth, then our world flips over and everything we thought was true proves to be false. It is so much easier if they were just lying.

But they are almost never lying. In fact, it is usually far, far worse than they first tell you.

And so most people never speak. And because they never speak, they aren’t allowed to heal and grieve.

We should do better, even if it turns your world upside down.

“I believe you.”

The normal- albeit disturbing reaction – among certain ones in the church is something like, “What about false accusations, Like Potiphar’s wife?”

So here are a few thoughts on that.

On my original post, I was not speaking to judges, jurists, or anyone else whose business it is to determine the facts of crimes committed. For some reason, Christians have been trained to enter into “jurist” mode whenever a friend discloses abuse. No wonder so many people keep silent.

I am a pastor. When a woman discloses to me,  I listen, I empathize. I ask listening questions to make sure I am understanding right. If there are crimes committed and I am mandated to report, I report it to those who have the duty to investigate. If not, I protect her privacy, but encourage HER to report it to the ones trained in investigation. But I believe her.

For one thing, except for a few exceptions which I will mention later, the reporting victim has everything to lose and nothing to gain. When you look at what all of those who reported abuse in high-profile cases have endured, don’t you wonder why anyone would disclose anything – unless, of course, it was true.

I am trying to think of exceptions – but I can only think of one. Potiphar’s wife. Look at her case:

Now Joseph was handsome in form and appearance.
7 And it came to pass after these things that his master’s wife cast longing eyes on Joseph, and she said, “Lie with me.”
8 But he refused and said to his master’s wife, “Look, my master does not know what is with me in the house, and he has committed all that he has to my hand. 9 There is no one greater in this house than I, nor has he kept back anything from me but you, because you are his wife. How then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God?”
10 So it was, as she spoke to Joseph day by day, that he did not heed her, to lie with her or to be with her.
11 But it happened about this time, when Joseph went into the house to do his work, and none of the men of the house was inside, 12 that she caught him by his garment, saying, “Lie with me.” But he left his garment in her hand, and fled and ran outside. 13 And so it was, when she saw that he had left his garment in her hand and fled outside, 14 that she called to the men of her house and spoke to them, saying, “See, he has brought in to us a Hebrew to mock us. He came in to me to lie with me, and I cried out with a loud voice. 15 And it happened, when he heard that I lifted my voice and cried out, that he left his garment with me, and fled and went outside.”
16 So she kept his garment with her until his master came home. 17 Then she spoke to him with words like these, saying, “The Hebrew servant whom you brought to us came in to me to mock me; 18 so it happened, as I lifted my voice and cried out, that he left his garment with me and fled outside.”
19 So it was, when his master heard the words which his wife spoke to him, saying, “Your servant did to me after this manner,” that his anger was aroused. 20 Then Joseph’s master took him and put him into the prison, a place where the king’s prisoners were confined. And he was there in the prison
.

The New King James Version (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1982), Ge 39:6–20.

A few things to note – first, SHE was the abuser, not Joseph. The power was not on Joseph’s side. It was on hers. She sexually abused him for a long time and he resisted. She became angry at his resistance and was looking for vengeance. She had nothing to lose. She was the master’s wife. He was a slave with no rights at all.

My guess is that everyone (including Potiphar) knew what kind of a person she was, which could explain why Joseph was kept in prison instead of executed.

But everyone involved in the household knew that the woman was after the slave. He had to keep avoiding her and tried not to be alone with her. The other slaves weren’t stupid. They would all have known who was the victim and who was the aggressor.

The fact is that unless the woman has the upper hand with the power, the money, the privilege – she will NOT be believed. Look at how many witnesses it took to get anyone to listen about Harvey Weinstein, Larry Nassar, Jerry Sandusky, Bill Cosby.

Look at how many years it took to expose the wickedness in the Roman Catholic Church, the Sovereign Grace Ministries, and the Southern Baptist Convention – and the victims STILL are cast out, ridiculed, and threatened.

And then look at what all of the victims have had to go through. They have had the most private things about themselves revealed to the world. They have been mocked, disbelieved, ridiculed, thrown out of churches, they have lost their homes, their families, their friends, their safety –

Who on earth would go through that? – unless, of course, it was true.

Do false accusations exist? Sure. Which is why pastors MUST be trauma informed, trained in the dynamics of abuse and assault, and spend far, far more time listening then they do speaking. And they certainly are not trained investigators. Leave that to those trained in it. Just believe. Listen. Be a pastor.

And if you are a friend, just listen. Believe your friend. She (or he) has risked so, so much to reveal just a tiny bit of what she has endured.

If there are lies involved, they will be exposed. Don’t further wound the injured sheep with skepticism. They are only telling you the tip of the iceberg, in the hopes that they will be believed.

And perhaps, if we quit assuming that she is probably lying, maybe more people will talk to us, exposing the works of darkness. And as we humbly seek change in our own hearts, maybe we can become better at listening.


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