Category Archives: Marriage

July 26, 2024 · 7:30 am

Abuse, divorce, denial and authoritarian men

Many years ago, back when I was first beginning to learn and write about the problem of assault in conservative marriages, I was in a conversation with another minister in my denomination.

He thanked me for my study and my work on assault, agreed with me that there was much work that needed to be done and asked what more could be done.

I mentioned that oftentimes the church has a very poor response to accusations of domestic assault and will force the woman back into the marriage over and over again, putting her life and the lives of her children in danger. He made all of the appropriate spiritual humming noises. “Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmm.” You know how it goes.

I thought I was making progress.

He said, “What about repentance? Can’t an abuser repent?”

I said, “In most cases, repentance is a matter of saying some words, crying some tears, and other manipulative tactics to coerce the victim to put herself back under the power of the abuser. This is why” I continued “I never counsel or even suggest that an abused spouse return to the marriage. I always emphasize their safety above everything else.”

After making more appropriate spiritual humming noises, the minister responded, “We had a case just a few months ago. The wife would come to church year after year. We all knew that she was being abused. She had bruises and wore sunglasses. We could all see it. It went on for about 20 years. Finally she decided she had enough and moved out. We supported her.

“But then he came to the elders, and I’m telling you, Sam, I have never seen anyone as repentant as that guy was. He was really broken up about all his failings. He confessed them all and asked her forgiveness. But her heart was so hard and bitter towards him that she refused to take him back. We finally had to excommunicate her for refusing to forgive.”

I died a little inside. I shared with him that what he described is a typical abuser strategy; that all of them do the exact same thing in order to get what they want.

I even shared with him our confession of faith – that repentance is the dying of the old man and the making alive of the new man. It isn’t words and tears.

There is a sorrow that leads to death. Even if his sorrow was genuine, like Esau’s, it isn’t the same as repentance.

And there is one more thing that is even more crucial than that. Even if it were possible to read the heart and determine that a man IS truly repentant, this does not change the fact that his covenant is broken, and that HE is the one who broke the covenant. She will have damage and triggers for the rest of her life.

She will remember the hymns she tried to sing after he broke her jaw. She will remember the smell of the aftershave when he raped her. She will remember what was cooking when he punched her.

She will remember the words. The mouth that kissed her and spoke sweet nothings to her that now say, “I hate you. You disgust me. You are fat and ugly, no one wants you.”

Those wounds don’t just go away with words.

After this conversation, I realized that we still had a massive amount of work to do. I started it until I finally had to part ways with my denomination.

I found out then that most ministers and elders are actually opposed to abuse. They will speak loftily and spiritually about the horrors of domestic violence…UNTIL it actually takes up space in THEIR congregations.

Then, by far the easiest option is to side with the abuser. It is far easier if she would just be quiet and quit making a fuss. If he would just say sorry and they could go back to everything being normal again.

And this is where we lose most of the officers of the church.

The deplore abuse – BUT

“I know that guy. He isn’t an abuser”

“It wasn’t really abuse. I’ve seen real abuse”

“He was really repentant”

“It wasn’t really abuse; she just pushed his buttons enough and he snapped. Could’ve happened to anyone”

No matter what you say, there is always a reason why what is happening in THEIR congregation isn’t abuse.

We hate abuse. We just never see real abuse…you’ve all heard it.

We just saw it when it made national news.

But this has been going on for decades.

The heart of the problem is here:

Why is it that they believe that a group of white, middle aged, conservative men have absolute infallibility over the lives of women? There can be no error, they are so sure of their infallibility that they will literally put a woman’s life on the line over it.

What on earth is an “ecclesiastical divorce”? If you are in these circles, you’ve heard the term. It is the idea that one must get divorced in the church BEFORE they are allowed to get a legal divorce.

Why do we continually talk about “grounds for divorce” rather than talk about safety and liberty?

Why does the liberty we are given in Christ only apply to men? Are not wives and daughters co-heirs of Christ? Are they not worth protecting?

What gives a small group of men the right to determine what does or does not constitute abuse? Did not Jesus say that even saying “You fool” or “Raca” is abusive and the equivalent of murder? (he was not sin-leveling, but that is a different subject)

One step further:

Where is this woman now to go? She has been branded an “adulteress”. She has been expelled from her friends and her faith. She most like will never set foot in a similar congregation again, or ANY congregation. If you have not gone through a public “church trial” you have no idea what it does to you.

She was abused by her husband and found safety. She was abused by her church, and finally found safety.

And now, the same people that demanded that she return to her husband are also demanding that she return to church and “stop disobeying God”.

Do you think that these things might be related?

Jesus has his people everywhere. He knows his own, he gathers his own together.

But maybe those who belong to Christ need to flee for a time. Maybe they will gather in homes or caves or coffee shops or online. Maybe God meets with them two or three at a time, binding up wounds, releasing the prisoner, healing the sick and bringing justice to the outliers.

And maybe the church needs to repent just as surely as the abusive husband needs to repent.

Something to think about, anyway.

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May 9, 2024 · 7:38 pm

9 things about Marriage and Divorce in the Bible

1. The Bible was written in the context of a patriarchal culture. But everything that the Bible promises is the obliteration of the patriarchal culture in the kingdom of Christ, where there is no more male or female, rich or poor, bond or free, but all are one body in Christ.

2. The instructions on marriage and divorce in both the Old and the New Testaments were given to protect the weak – particularly the women and children – from the power of the strong. Redemption would only come from Jesus. But the law was designed to give a measure of protection from the worst abuses until Jesus came.

3. The Bible does not say or teach anything like “God hates divorce”.

4. The leaders of the Jews were in the middle of a debate about whether Deuteronomy 24 teaches that a man could kick his wife out for any reason . This is the background behind Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 5 and Matthew 19. It has nothing to do with a woman fleeing an abusive spouse.

5. There is no such thing as either an “ecclesiastical divorce” or a “marriage in the eyes of God”.

6. According to the Bible, if one is married, one is married. If one is divorced, one is divorced. There is no category for perpetual separation. It only breeds confusion. 1 Corinthians 7 is addressing another issue entirely.

7. There are no instructions anywhere about getting the permission of your church leaders before filing for divorce. Apparently this practice only began after the church took over the duties of the magistrate after the fall of Rome. Wherever it came from, there isn’t a whisper of it in the Bible. You don’t have to ask the elders’ permission to marry. You also don’t need their permission to divorce.

8. If you have fled a spouse, filed a divorce, separated from a spouse and are now convicted that your reasoning was indeed sinful, God has washed you completely clean, you have no stigma, no stained garment and no spoiled rose. Christ’s blood is powerful and effective against every stain. Make whatever amends you need to make, right whatever wrongs you need to right, and move on.

9. Any theology that one espouses that makes one the superior of another one of God’s children – no matter what language you use – is not from God. You can call it “loving leadership”, or “Covenant headship” or “leadership roles” or right of creation, or anything else you wish – the fact remains. No where, in all of scripture, does a person have a God-given right to rule over the body and soul of another human being. King James called it “The divine right of kings”; White southern Presbyterianism called it the “order of creation” for whites to rule over blacks. And modern theobros call it “gender roles”. It boils down to the same garbage. To be a Christian is to become the slave of all – (Phil. 2), just as Christ did, and love our neighbor, including our spouses, with the same love with which we love ourselves.

 

More to come. If you are in danger, or live with abuse – whether spiritual, physical, emotional, or sexual, please find safety. Please call 1-800-799-SAFE

God redeemed you, body and soul to be free. He did not redeem you to become the target of an angry spouse’s rage. He desires to set you free.

If you would like to talk these things over, please make an appointment with me at www.sampowellministries.com

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February 8, 2024 · 12:02 pm

Husbands, Love Your Wives

Guys, read this carefully a few times:

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. (Eph 5:25-28)

Now notice this: Husbands are to love their wives, taking Christ as their example.

Verse 26 refers to Christ, not the husband. The husband in no way acts as the savior, cleanser, or sanctifier of the wife.

I thought this was obvious until I ran into some extreme patriarchal guys who believed that the husband is the one who is supposed to sanctify his wife just like Jesus sanctifies him.

Nope. Sorry. Not what that says. Read it again.

Christ sanctifies. He alone is the savior of the church, including the wives.

Keep yourselves from idols, people.

Verse 25 – love applies to the husband and to Christ.

Gave himself – refers to Christ as an example of his love.

Verse 26 – all of it refers to Christ alone.

Verse 27 – all of it refers to Christ alone.

Verse 28 – now we are back to husbands.

Scripture never contradicts itself. One thing that scripture is very, very clear on is that there is only one savior and only one redeemer. There is only one who sanctifies and only one who cleanses us a makes us fit for heaven.

And, guys, that One is not you.

I, even I, am the LORD; and beside me there is no saviour. (Isa 43:11)

Thank you for listening.

So let’s talk about “washing with water through the word”, as Paul refers to what Jesus does for his church out of love in Ephesians 5.

I have read countless comments that this means, “The husband is supposed to read the Bible to her.”

Hm. That seems odd. First of all, complete nonsense to a first century Christian in Ephesus. Where would they get a household copy?

Second, if this is what God meant, why didn’t he ever just say, “Husbands, make sure you are leading your family in worship.” But he never does. (I’m not opposed to husbands leading their family in prayer and scripture reading, I just don’t think that reading the Bible is a gender based activity).

So what is Paul’s point? Jesus prayed, “Father sanctify them through the truth. Your word is truth.” John 17:17

Jesus is the Word of God; the Holy Spirit is the Breath of God. They both go together. At the risk of over-simplifying, the work of sanctification (making beautiful, clean, pure) is the work of Father, Son and Holy Spirit. The Son is the revelation of God, the Word, made flesh, and this word breathes out the Spirit and regenerates his people.

The Spirit unites the people of God to Christ, making them one flesh, equipping them for service, unifying them as one, until they all grow in the unity of the stature of Christ (Ephesians 4).

Paul certainly did not exalt the work of Christ for 4 1/2 chapters so that he could take away some of the glory of Christ and give it to the male of the species. Not his intention at all.

A human can read the Bible to another human. But only the Triune God can sanctify his bride by the washing of the word.

Why “washing”? This is ancient imagery of the sprinkling of water in the Old Covenant, signifying the pouring out of the Holy Spirit in the New Covenant. Ezekiel describes it in very blunt terms in Chapter 36.

“I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. 27 And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” Eze 36:25–27.

The washing signifies a new heart which responds a new way to the instructions and teaching of God. It responds with love and affection, rather than fear, guilt and shame. It is accomplished by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, which unites us to the crucified and risen Savior. All the impurities of sin will be finally taken away, as Jesus takes away leprosy with his touch.

Paul is tying the whole epistle together in a grand theme of union in Christ – husbands, love your wives. Yes, that is shameful in your pagan culture of conquest, dominion and power, and yes you will be mocked for it. But remember that Jesus loved HIS bride, including you. He is making you whole and complete and beautiful by his work on the cross, which resulted in the pouring out of his spirit which you received when the word was proclaimed to you. That is LOVE – so love your wives, and so follow the example of Christ.

And yes, this isn’t a gender role. Wives are also called to love their husbands, when Paul writes, Love one another fervently, with a pure heart.

So stop with denigrating Christ in order to sell your books and conferences to impotent and childish men who inflict their wives with their own spiritual immaturity.

Men, if you want to love your wives as Christ loved the church, don’t try to do what only HE can do, but put on an apron and wash her feet, do the dishes, mop the floor.

The lowliest position is what it means to be Christ-like, for both men and women.

 

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December 13, 2023 · 6:27 pm

Separation? or Divorce? Thoughts concerning Freedom in Christ.

Today there was a debate which reminded me of something…

Those who make an idol of marriage tend to stubbornly refuse to admit that sometimes abuse is so horrible that the spouse must flee from the home in order to protect her own life.

To them, divorce is the worst thing a person can do.
(Cue John Piper’s horrible statement about a wife “perhaps enduring being smacked around for an evening”).

But then it seems as if they grow a bit of a conscience and have a vague feeling of unease. The truth of the brutality of the depths of abuse tend to make us uncomfortable. You start to think that perhaps your tribe or your church or your people are a bit better than other tribes and other people and then the ugly reality of sin rears its head. It sometimes hits you hard upside the head to hear what evil things humans can do to those they profess to love.

And so when you are hit upside the head, but you cannot give up the “God hates divorce” mantra, you come up with something silly like “Sometimes separation is necessary, but divorce is never an option. Separate until he repents and then…” but really does it matter at this point?

So a couple of things.

First, separation is never a viable option in the scripture. You are either divorced or married. If you are married, live in love and respect and mutual honor and dignity. Love one another and put the other one first. When the covenant is broken and the situation has become treacherous, it is better to divorce than to live in hatred (See Malachi 2). For God would have us free, rather than in bondage to misery, death and hatred (1 Corinthians 7)

Speaking of 1 Corinthians, chapter 7 is speaking of a specific situation. Paul is showing the church how to apply the universal principle of godly love in a godless and cruel culture. It has nothing to do with a 21st century woman married to a son of Belial. That is the reason God gave us divorce to begin with.

Second, the idea seems to be that by separation the abuser will see the errors of his ways and repent. This belief is hopelessly naive and ultimately tempting God. I wrote about this here.

So the abused spouse is expected to remain alone, drive herself into poverty, and live in continuous fear of harm rather than accept the remedy that God has provided, simply because some preacher somewhere said that God hates divorce.

I’m not buying it, and it isn’t actually taught in the scripture.

When the law prescribes death for the adulterer, it is showing us how hateful it is in the eyes of God for the covenant of marriage to be broken. But it isn’t the one sinned against that was culpable. It was the one who broke the covenant.

Whether that covenant was broken through sexual sin, degradation, reviling, depravation of food, sleep, safety, or other actions of hate, God has provided a remedy for the one who has been sinned against (Exodus 21:9-10)

Because he hates her, let him send her away, says the Lord God of Israel. (Malachi 2:16)

Hope this helps.

 

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July 24, 2023 · 5:00 pm

Does the husband sanctify his wife?

As complementarians continue to make up reasons why they shouldn’t have to make their own sandwiches, it seems that every day something new comes along, each one more ridiculous than the last.

Kevin DeYoung, for example, writes that “I am responsible for my wife’s holiness.”

This isn’t new. I have heard it for years. It is based on Ephesians 5:26. The argument is this: Since the husband is called to imitate Christ’s love for his bride, and since Christ sanctifies his bride, the husband is called also to sanctify his wife. It has caused the infantilizing of women, countless abuses, violations of free volition, and tyranny, and has nothing to do with holiness.

To sanctify means to make holy. Or, as DeYoung writes, “I am responsible for my wife’s holiness.”

This is far more deadly than it first appears. There is much more at stake than simply dysfunctional marriages, as heinous as those are.

What is at stake is the gospel itself. It shows a complete misunderstanding of what sanctification actually is. For this reason, Christians really should study some of the basics of theology.

Israel was set apart by God as a holy nation. They were called to be holy, for Jehovah is holy. They failed, and served other gods.

In writing about the New Covenant, Jeremiah says,

31 “Behold, the days are coming, says the LORD, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah—32 not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in the day that I took them by the hand to lead them out of the land of Egypt, My covenant which they broke, though I was a husband to them, says the LORD. 33 But this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, says the LORD: I will put My law in their minds, and write it on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. 34 No more shall every man teach his neighbor, and every man his brother, saying, ‘Know the LORD,’ for they all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them, says the LORD. For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” Jer. 31:31–34.

More will be revealed as time progresses. But the idea is that God himself will make his bride holy, by separating them from the world in writing the law on their hearts instead of on tables of stone. They will be clean and holy, for they will be forgiven and cleansed.

Similarly, Ezekiel writes,

23 And I will sanctify My great name, which has been profaned among the nations, which you have profaned in their midst; and the nations shall know that I am the LORD,” says the Lord GOD, “when I am hallowed in you before their eyes. 24 For I will take you from among the nations, gather you out of all countries, and bring you into your own land. 25 Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. 26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will keep My judgments and do them. 28 Then you shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers; you shall be My people, and I will be your God. 29 I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. (Ezek 36:23–29).

Read those passages carefully for an understanding of what sanctification is. The law was given so that Israel might dwell in God’s presence and God might dwell with them. Being holy is being in God’s presence. But the wicked shall not stand there.

So they must be cleansed from their evil ways and given a new heart – a heart that loves instead of a heart that hates; a heart that doesn’t dream of following idols or chasing after the neighbor’s wife, or stealing the neighbor’s cattle, because it is a changed heart, a new heart and a new spirit.

And how does it come? NOT by the law, for that can never make anyone holy. Not because it is defective, but because WE are defective.

For if there had been a law given which could have given life, truly righteousness would have been by the law. 22 But the Scripture has confined all under sin, that the promise by faith in Jesus Christ might be given to those who believe. (Gal. 3:21–22).

Because the law could never save, Jesus became flesh and joined himself to his people. He kept the law for his people, and took their curse upon himself.

And when he ascended into heaven with the blood of his sacrifice, just like the ancient priests brought the blood into the holy of holies, he received the promise of his Father.

“Ask of me” he said, “And I will give you the heathen for your inheritance.”

In Peter’s sermon on Pentecost, he shows us how this promise was fulfilled in the pouring out of the Holy Spirit.

Just as God’s presence filled the temple in Solomon’s day, so also the Spirit fills his church because Jesus has conquered death and was obedient to the Father even in his crucifixion.

So Jesus pours out his spirit. He gives the new heart and the new flesh. He causes us to love by conforming us to his image. He sanctifies us as his Holy Temple by joining us to himself as the head, and we are the body.

And so we are sanctified, because we are in him.

“You are already clean,” he said, “Because of the word that I have spoken to you.”

Jesus has the words of eternal life. He speaks and accomplishes all of his good pleasure. He said, “Lazarus, come forth!” – and the dead were raised.

He sanctifies by his word and by his spirit.

All that a human being can do is lay down the law, and enforce outward conformity. And this is NEVER what the bible means by holiness. If the inside of the cup isn’t clean, what good does it to to polish the outside. But if the inside IS clean, the outside will take care of itself.

How can a husband clean the inside of anyone? He cannot even make himself holy!

So, Mr. DeYoung, tell me again how husbands can usurp this place of Jesus?

As soon as you can speak and draw the dead out of the graves…

As soon as you can take the curse of the law upon yourself…

As soon as you can breathe and fill your wife with the Holy Spirit…

As soon as you can call down tongues of fire on your wife’s head…(without setting her hair on fire)

As soon as you can make her a living stone in the temple of the living God…

Then I will concede that you are responsible for your wife’s holiness.

Until that day, though, I will love my wife, pray with and for her, talk with her, listen to her, praise our Savior together, and walk through this valley of tears together, holding her hand and making our journey together a little more bearable, just as she does with mine.

But I’ll never pretend to be the Holy Spirit, nor will I usurp the place of the Groom in my home. He is perfectly capable of sanctifying my wife and doesn’t need a neo-pope to do it. I’ll point her to Jesus just as she points me to Jesus. And we will do this together.

I’ll be her companion and her lover and her friend. But I will never be her Redeemer and Savior.

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March 18, 2023 · 8:11 am

Husbands, love your wives

I received this comment on one of my blogs. I appreciate that Jon took the time to write, as it gives me an opportunity to draw a distinction between two different religions – modern patriarchy and Christianity. They are not the same, as we will see.

Here is the comment:

It surprised me that this conversation went straight to divorce. I realized many years ago that my happiness does not depend on my wife and that the happiness of my wife does not depend upon me. Once I realized this I made decisions for the family without asking permission, but with giving guidance. As the leader I realized all that was needed was guidance and conviction that I was operating under the leadership of the Holy Spirit. I made decisions, informed my wife of those decisions and did not stop until the task was done. I protected my family as best I could from any tough repercussions from that decision and when the task was complete my family reaped the rewards and were happy.
This all meant that I had to be in lock step with the Spirit and I had to follow through with all my decisions to the end. The worst was having to deal with a wife who was against me for the decision I was making. Previously I would have surrendered my will to what my wife desired which was perceived safety and security. I fought through those issues and was prepared to face the challenges of the task at hand whether it be a business decision or a move or a remodel. Anything I chose to do brought initial kickback from my wife, but follow through and determination brought success and more willingness by my family to trust my decision making.
It is the man’s job in the family to lead. If he allows the fears of the wife to stop any progress, the the family will be stuck. There will be resentment towards the wife and then the man can do very hurtful things.
I am not blaming women. I am blaming men for not being leaders and following through, ignoring in many cases the fears of the wife. Weak men cannot lead a family to victory. Until I became strong I was resentful and hurtful. Now I lead and my family has never been happier and so very successful. My wife and children are honored in the church and community. They are blessed. It is because I quit blaming them and took responsibility for my own actions.
If I have any suggestions for wives, it is to submit to your husband and honor his decisions and hold him accountable to follow through and support him throughout the process. To be patient with the process because everything takes time to complete. Often longer than expected. Do not kill his spirit because once that happens, often to weak men, it will end up in an irreparable relationship.

Dear Jon. The essence of being human is being an image-bearer of God. We are created with the ability to discern between good and evil, to make decisions, to interpret the world, to think and feel and shine God’s beauty and love to the world around us.

We were created to have dominion over all creation and be the voice of praise to the creator, to rest in his presence and join our voices to his in saying, “Behold, it is very good.”

This image-bearing was gifted equally to the male as well as to the female (Genesis 1:27).

God’s beauty and wisdom and love and justice are infinite. Humans are not. But God shows his wisdom by the remarkable diversity in all of creation, including the wonderful different gifts and personalities in each human that he created, male or female.

Of course, when the fall entered, mankind lusted after dominating each other, rather than having dominion over creation and disharmony entered. Men and women became slaves to sin, and there was nothing they could do about it.

So instead of marvelous freedom and diverse gifts and beautiful harmony, there entered domination, slavery, control, and pride. Men and women became slaves to sin.

This was pictured beautifully in Egypt. The whole story of our redemption is painted on the background of the Exodus, where the nation of Israel was redeemed from their hard bondage in Egypt to be the people of God in liberty and joy. Their slavery was so strong that the strength of men could not deliver them. Men could not work up enough will power to deliver them. The husbands could not bring about deliverence through their manliness. They were enslaved and powerless. But God delivered them with his outstretched arm. Both Moses and Miriam sing at the destruction of Pharaoh’s army.

But that was just a picture. As you know from the story, the slavery in Egypt was broken, but the slavery to sin was as powerful as ever. God gave the law from Sinai, and within a few days, Israel was worshiping golden calves. With a golden calf, they believed that they could control Jehovah. A God who speaks, who enters covenants freely, who loves, is actually terrifying because of the bondage of sin. The God who is cannot be controlled. All we can do is rest in his love.

But in order to rest in Jehovah’s love, we have to give up control and believe in the name of the One who Saves.

You can worship control, or you can worship The God Who Saves. But you can’t do both.

On the cross, Jesus broke the bonds of sin and death and misery. The law couldn’t do it. Authority and submission couldn’t do it. If man could have been made righteous by the law, Christ died in vain.

The problem was slavery and powerlessness. We are all subject to death.

Christ delivered us from the fear of death and the power of sin that we might serve him without fear, with our full restored image of God, reflecting his tremendous beauty and wisdom as we were created to do.

When the Holy Spirit was poured out on the church (Acts 2), it was poured out on men and women, old men and maidens. And later that included rich and poor, Greek and Jew, bond and free.

Satan hates God and hates his image. He seeks to silence the voice, crush the will, destroy the spirit. But Jesus died to set his people free. He governs his church by his word and spirit, NOT by tables of stone. He writes the law on the heart.

This means that your wife has equal access to the spirit that you have. The spirit was not poured out on you alone. Throughout scripture, God spoke through holy men AND women and held his people accountable for listening to them.

God could have spoken directly to Barak. But he spoke to him through Deborah. Barak could listen to her and live. Or hold on to his masculine pride and die. Sisera wasn’t defeated by testosterone, but by the power of God.

The two central doctrines of Christianity, the virgin birth and the resurrection, were witnessed by the women. The men could listen to them and live. Or they could ignore them and die. By God’s grace, the apostle’s repented of their hardness of heart and listened to the women.

So one question to answer is this – how certain are you that YOU are the one being led by the spirit and not your wife?

It is not the Spirit of Christ that silences the voices of his people. I fear that you are unaware of the spirit that you are operating under. But Christ came to restore us to his image, not silence us and keep us in bondage.

You are treating your wife like Pharaoh treated the Israelites. This is NOT Christianity. Peter commanded YOU to treat your wife as a co-heir of eternal life, not like one who is still in bondage to sin and misery. You are taking one verse out of context and deriving a whole new religion.

Your religion is a religion of control, not peace. A religion of authority and submission, not rest. A religion of bondage, not freedom of conscience. A religion where YOU are the golden calf, seeking to control the power of God.

This is paganism, not Christianity. If the Holy Spirit is poured out on you, it is also poured out upon your wife, and you will answer to him about how you treated his sheep.

I pray fervently that you will either repent of your cruelty, or that God will provide freedom for you wife. Treating her like this is oppressive and wicked. You are not loving her as Christ loved the church and set her free.

The scripture does not say, “Love your wife as Ahasuerus loved Vashti.”

Nor does it say, “Love your wife and Nabal loved Abigail”.

Nor, “Love your wife and Pharaoh loved Israel”.

All of those examples are examples of wicked men seeking to control people, rather than watching them thrive in freedom.

Love your wife as Christ loved the church. And how did he love his church? Read Philippians 2 carefully. He took the lowest place. He became a slave to all. He gave himself that she might be free.

Assume that your wife is an image-bearer of God and perfectly capable of making her own decisions. Set her free. If you belong to Christ, it is what he has done for you. So how dare you use that liberty as an excuse to enslave your wife and crush her voice?

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January 31, 2023 · 3:50 pm

Covering the Altar with Tears

Malachi 2:13–14.
     13      And this is the second thing you do:
     You cover the altar of the LORD with tears,
     With weeping and crying;
     So He does not regard the offering anymore,
     Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.
     14      Yet you say, “For what reason?”
     Because the LORD has been witness
     Between you and the wife of your youth,
     With whom you have dealt treacherously;
     Yet she is your companion
     And your wife by covenant.

The wives in Israel were so treacherously abused that they had no recourse but to cry before the Lord. THEY are the ones covering the altar with tears and bringing their cries to the Lord.

For this reason, God will not hear the prayers or accept the offerings of the husbands. You cannot treat your wife as a slave, a servant, or a beast, without bringing upon yourself the wrath of God.

In fact, Peter alludes to this passage in 1 Peter 3:7

1 Peter 3:7 (NKJV)
7Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

If you treat your wife with anything less than the honor befitting a firstborn heir of eternal life in Christ, you are also dealing treacherously with her.

God hears the cries of the oppressed and he answers them.

Remember, dear ones, that Lazarus received evil things on this earth for a time, but when he died he was carried by the angels to the bosom of Abraham, and rests in the arms of Jesus for eternity.

The rich man, on the other hand, who was treacherous to Lazarus, was tormented day and night.

God knows how to deliver the godly and give them peace. The cries never go unheard.

She is a wife by covenant. This does not mean that you can treat her however you wish and she is not allowed to leave you. That is contrary to everything we know about covenants. I have written on that before. Malachi is using Old Testament language to say what Peter says in the New Testament. She is a co-heir of eternal life, a wife by the covenant you made with her, and that covenant can be broken.

Israel understood broken covenants. They had already been cast out of the land because they broke the covenant with their God. And now, as they are resettling the land, they are treating their wives, whom they made covenants with, the same way.

Which follows – they deserve to be cast out.

God is bearing witness of your treachery, and refuses to hear your prayers as long as your wife is covering the altar with tears.

Matthew 5:25–26 (NKJV)
25Agree with your adversary quickly, while you are on the way with him, lest your adversary deliver you to the judge, the judge hand you over to the officer, and you be thrown into prison.
26Assuredly, I say to you, you will by no means get out of there till you have paid the last penny.

In Malachi, the adversary is the oppressed wife, crying out to the judge. Make peace with her before Christ comes in judgment. Repent of your treachery, for there is a God in heaven coming to hand you over to judgment.

In fact, it would be better to give her a divorce and send her away (verse 16).

Therefore, the wise man will hear.

Take heed to your spirit, and do not deal treacherously. (Verse 16)

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January 19, 2023 · 1:46 pm

Co-heirs of eternal life

Have you seen the “trend” going around, where fathers are groomin…oops, I mean “training” – their daughters to serve men, cleaning after them, cooking for them, serving them at the table…?

It is really stomach-churning. But far worse, it isn’t Christianity. Maybe it is God’s desire that we teach our daughters to be more and more like Jesus; perfecting their gifts, using those gifts in their communities, learning to speak without fear, growing in wisdom and stature.

It is true that women, like all of humanity, are called to serve. Men are also called to serve. It isn’t a gender role thing, it is what it means to be like Christ.

Matthew 20:25–28 (NKJV)
25 But Jesus called them to Himself and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who are great exercise authority over them.
26 Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant.
27 And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave—
28 just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”

Mutual service in Christ isn’t what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the fathers and mothers that teach their daughters that they are called to cook and clean and pick up after their fathers and brothers, that they are to serve, while the men are to be served.

And here is where it gets interesting. If I name the names of people who teach this (of which there are many) the response will be “Why did you name names? Did you confront them first? I know that they are good men who love the Lord!” And on and on.

But if I DON’T name names, then the response is “I’ve been a Christian my WHOLE LIFE and have never, ever heard anyone teaching this!”

Any reason at all to discount what I am saying. So I would simply invite you to look over my facebook page and see the hundreds of men and women who have been taught exactly what I am saying – that women’s goal is to be married and to serve men. Men are called to be served at home, since they have to do all the hard work.

None of this is taught in scripture. Yes, the scripture teaches women to serve. It also teaches men to serve. It teaches apostles and prophets, martyrs and pastors and teachers to serve.

And not just “I tell them what to do” kind of service, nor the kind of service like the Pope of Rome, surrounded by wealth, power and prestige and calling himself the “servant of servants”. This is not at all the kind of service that scripture calls for.

It calls for us – men and women – to put on the apron, do a load of laundry, mop the floor, bring our loved ones coffee, love, honor and respect one another.

When Jesus washed his disciples’ feet, it was the work of a servant – THAT is the kind of service Jesus calls us all to.

If you are teaching your boys and girls to have a servant’s heart, you have no argument from me.

It is the teaching that only GIRLS are called to serve. That boys are called to lead and to BE served. None of this is in the bible.

Maybe we can do better. Maybe we can teach our daughters to grow to their full potential, led by the Holy Spirit, with gifts and callings and personalities all their own.

And maybe we can teach them that they can live their lives fully before the face of God without fear and shame, whether they ever marry or not.

Perhaps God’s will for our daughters, just like his will for our sons, is that they be conformed to the image of God’s Son, and thus become fully human, fully alive – without ever having to suppress their voice or their beauty or their wisdom out of fear of insecure masculinity.

Marriage should allow both men and women to be fully who they are before God, thriving and loving as image-bearers, and thus a fountain of blessing to all who know them.

Why isn’t this our goal?

I posted something similar to that on Facebook yesterday and people are losing their minds. I’m being called a hater of God, an unbeliever, a bad influence on Christian women, a pagan, a feminist, a heathen, non-reformed, a Satanist, and so on.

It got me thinking –

Pharaoh lost his mind when Moses said, “Thus saith the Lord, Let my people go.” He didn’t want to lose the work of the slaves. It, after all, was the order that his gods placed on the world. Pharaoh and Egyptian males first, women and Israelites next. Every knows that, right? It is the natural order of things.

But when God said, “Let my people go” it upended everything about Pharaoh’s religion and social order. That is why he couldn’t bend.

Similarly, even though the Lord so clearly loves and values women as his image-bearers, and did not create or redeem them to be the slaves of men, yet His cry, “let my people go!” upends the status quo and turns everything upside down. It arouses the same fury in the ones who hold the power.

BTW – I’m not speaking of divorce right now, I am speaking of letting go of the control and domination of wives and daughters and watching them thrive as image-bearers of God.

If the first thing your wife would do if you let go of your control and dominion is leave your sorry a#@, maybe you should rethink your lifestyle.

You could, maybe, learn to make your own sandwiches.

She is your fitting help, not your property or your servant.

Malachi 2:16 is often translated “God hates divorce”. I have written extensively on how bad that translation is. The Hebrew reads “Because he hates, let her go…”

It is the exact same word used in Moses’ instructions to Pharaoh. “Let my people go” or “let (her) go”. Set her free. If you hate her so much that she is odious to you, send her away.

If not, then please treat her as the scripture commands you to – as a co-heir of eternal life.

One day, you will stand before God and answer to how you treated her, a firstborn son, an heir of all things, and the bride of Christ.

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December 26, 2022 · 8:51 pm

How I met my wife

The nineties were a heady time. Flannel shirts, grunge, Janet Reno jokes. I remember it well.

It was in the flurries and scurries of the nineties that I met my wife. It is an interesting story.

It starts with a poker game. I was sitting around the table with my brother, a gamer, a pseudo-philosopher and a hacker. The shots were flowing. Uma was dancing with Travolta on the TV and Marlon Brando was sitting by the fire in the corner with Neil Young and Pocahontas.

The gamer was forming a tin-foil hat for his head to keep the alien rays out and so he was distracted. The philosopher folded (you gotta know when to fold-em) and my brother was raising the pot. We kept going higher and higher, with the hacker matching me each time. Finally, my brother was out, and I went all in.

The hacker couldn’t match, but he wanted to stay in. Marlon Brando stopped mumbling and looked over. The pot was huge and the hacker was out of funds.

“Well”, I said, “What do you have?”

He thought for a moment, and then said, “I can hack Santa’s computer.”

I said “No way.”

He said, “Way” – cause it was the 90s.

The gamer said, “Woah…” but he might have been talking about his new tin foil hat design.

Brando and Young muttered something about the exploitation of the elves, but the atmosphere was too thick.

I said, “What would that do?”

“I can get you his naughty list”

“No way.”

“Way”

“Whoa”

And that is how I got a hold of Santa’s naughty list in 1995.

You all know who you are.

But when I saw Susan’s achievements that landed her on the naughty list, I was smitten. I had to meet this woman. Such daring! Such audacity! Such creativity! I had to meet her.

I couldn’t even repeat the things she did that got her on the list, because I don’t want to give the children ideas. But I couldn’t get her out of my head.

I began scheming.

I knew that she was planning on attending church camp with her family, so I signed up. Maybe we could cause some chaos together. Maybe I too could get on Santa’s naughty list! Oh the places we could go together. But banned from Santa forever, but banned together! I have chills just thinking about it.

I dreamed in my bed at night. My sweat soaked the sheets. Oh the naughtiness! What decadence! What a woman. What a woman!

We could run with scissors. We could NOT finish our plates. We could order dessert and skip the veggies! We could stay up all night and watch QVC with a devil-may-care attitude! We could order Mexican food on Thanksgiving. Oh the wickedness we could get up to! So completely and totally improper! We would make the world blush!

When I got to the camp, I stopped for ice-cream in a small shop and in she walked. The silence descended and in my mind’s eye, a chorus began to sing Orff. Her eyes! Her hair! Her wickedness! I was smitten. The future was pregnant with possibility!

So I hugged her. And she hugged back.

Yada, yada, yada – we were married a few months later.

Almost none of this is true. Some of it is, but as far as I know, she has never been on Santa’s list. Marlon Brando might have been a dream. The nineties were weird. We did pick up Mexican food on Thanksgiving once and she still doesn’t finish her plate, and sometimes she eats pie for dinner, so all of that is true.

Oh the other things I could tell you, too!

But here is what is true.

Her eyes smile peace, and when they lock with mine, I am home.

Today, December 27, we have been married for 27 years – I think. Neither one of us can do math.

What is the secret to a long and happy marriage?

Neither one of us read marriage books, go to conferences, or follow the fads. We are just gloriously ourselves, respect each other, love each other and always defer to each other.

We have never asked “Who is in charge” because when the two become one flesh, that question is an unwelcome intruder, like a mother-in-law on the wedding night.

Just keep your marriage vows and ignore the experts. You’ll be fine.

Lots of love, my wicked awesome wife! You are spectacular.

And the future is still pregnant with possibility. Even more, I should say.

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November 17, 2022 · 8:07 am

An Abusive Man’s Toolbox

It is in the best interest of an abusive man to use religious coercion to hold onto access to his victims.

Godly sounding “christianese” sometimes serves that purpose very well.

One phrase that sticks in my craw is this one:

“God designed marriage to make you holy, not happy.”

I can’t explain how this one became so popular, except by the first sentence above. But it is wrong.

God instituted marriage before the fall, when Adam and Eve both walked in God’s presence in the temple of Eden.

Adam was already holy when God presented him with Eve. Even was given to Adam as a fitting helper, and Adam exclaimed with joy, “At last! Flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone!” And God saw it and said, “Behold, it is very good.”

Man’s lack of holiness came AFTER the fall, when he was driven from Eden, away from God’s presence. That holiness is only restored in the Second Adam.

By union with him, we are made what we are not. We are holy, because we are flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone. He has consecrated himself so that he might consecrate us and present us to God, a bride without blemish and without spot. If you belong to Christ, you ARE holy, and you will be MADE holy – whether you are married or single, widowed or divorced, male or female.

But the design of marriage is the same as it has always been. For the happiness and joy of the two entering into marriage.

So that brings me to compassion. We are called to enter into the suffering and pain of others, especially of the body of Christ. When one member hurts, all members hurt. We are called to hurt and suffer together as well as rejoice together. But that is costly.

It takes time to enter into someone’s pain. It may cause you to re-evaluate everything that you thought was solid. It may cause sleepless nights, wrestling in prayer. It may cause you to weep, which is always uncomfortable.

But it may also cause you to have to step out of your comfortable worldview, where “we are all nice Christians here” and into a worldview where wolves terrorize sheep and the sheep are often left scattered and alone and vulnerable.

And that is never a comfortable zone for anyone to be in.

So when a sister or brother tentatively reaches out about pain in marriage, about the abuse she is suffering at the hands of her husband, about the horrible things that human beings can do to each other, it is far safer and more comfortable for the hearer to bounce it back, put up a “I-am-so-not-interested” wall and say,

“Marriage is designed to make you holy, not happy.”

Then make some mmm, mmmm, mmmm sounds. Grasp her hands and make a sad face, and send her on her way.

That way you don’t have to disrupt your own life with uncomfortable truths.

But it is wrong.

As members of Christ, we are to be as he is. We enter into suffering as he does. We walk with the wounded as he does. We pay the cost to sit with the vulnerable and suffering, because Christ paid the ultimate cost and we are honored to take up his cross with him. He paid the cost so that we might be delivered from the hard bondage of sin and misery and the kingdom of the devil.

And it should be our greatest desire to lead others to the paths of liberty. What a great joy when a sheep escapes from the mouth of a wolf!

So listen to the uncomfortable stories. Tear down the wall that you think is keeping you safe and learn to walk with the wounded. Bear the reproach of Christ, and the insults.

It is tremendously costly. Ask anyone who has made a habit of it, and they’ll tell you.

But when you do so, you will have the honor of being more and more like Christ, reflecting his comfort, righteousness and beauty to a wounded and hurting world.

“Be ye holy”, he says. “For I am holy.”

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